relationships

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No spark, No cigar!

Published September 6, 2013 by jjjemma

Ola!

Long time no speak!

I kinda thought that i’d try keeping my private life…. private.

I succeeded. For a little while :0

 

So as a few of you know, I found a good ‘un off POF.

This guy, I’ll call him Big G, was a good catch.

 

He was 26 (2 years younger than me), no kids, good job, own place and car.

He was into football played it – and watching it.

 

So Big G (this was my nickname for him, as his name begins with “g” and I was just being daft one evening).

 

Big G and I spoke very briefly through POF before he asked for my number and got straight onto asking and arranging a date with myself. I liked this. No messing around at all.

 

He wasn’t in my face texting all day, he would text good morning and then we’d usually text evening time.

 

The day of our date, i had no “good morning” text.

I stayed pretty cool. My mate came over to babysit and asked if he’d been in touch. I said “NO”.

 

I wasn’t too pissed off and i was quite chilled and not bothered by it all.

So many blokes have fucked me about that i think i have built a pretty tough wall around myself now. 

 

I was running late, said bye to my mate and off i went.

 

Arrived, 20 minutes late! He had a wine waiting for me andddddd GORGEOUS!!!!

 

YAY!

 

He pulled out a chair for me to sit! – Noone has EVER done that.

we had a good laugh, easy chat. When we was leaving he walked me to my car and put the moves straight on me!!!!

Snog, snog , snog!!!

 

My legs were like jelly man! I got in my car and had to wind the window down to ask him how to get out the carpark (cringer!!!). He told me and then leant in and kissed me again.

 

I virtually skipped home and told my mate all about it!!!

 

The next day he friend requested me on Facebook and text mornings and evenings.

 

We arranged the second date for the following week. He asked me and we decided on bowling. I offered to pick him up as he lives near the bowling alleys andthen he could have a drink. 

 

We spoke every day again, and yet again, on the date of the date he went all silent.

I again stayed very chilled and eventually he texted his address and i went to pick him up.

 

The second date was really fun. He payed for bowling and kicked my ass at it. We had a laugh. I nearly killed him via an air hockey disk… it was all gravy.

 

He invited me in his house when i dropped him off. I went in and he made me a tea – I like that he did that. He gave me the tour of his house – it was lovely.

we sat chilling on his sofa till gone midnight and then i had to go as I had the kids to get up for. Again we had a little kiss and off I went.

 

At the weekend, it was bank holiday. Both of us by chance were out with our mates on the piss. He text me and came to meet me with his mates. Awesome i thought!!!

Drunk “big g” and me would have a right laugh. 

No.

he came an found me, he awkward. No kiss, no offer to get me a drink, no banter – TOTALLY DIFFERENT PERSON AROUND HIS MATES. Then, he just fumed off to the other side of the bar with his mates, so me and my mates left.

 

I wasn’t too pissed off as I was having a laugh with my mates. I text him the name of the bar we were headed too but never got a reply.

 

Around 1 am I had a text off Big G, saying he’d taken his drunk mate home.  Then, offering me to go back to his!

 

I was having a mint time with my girls , plus I was child free for the night… No way was I gonna cut my night short for anyone.

I told him that I would probably go his later as I was having a good time.

 

He then said not to.

 

But by the time i’d read that it was 3am, I was smacked off my face on jagerbombs and in a taxi en route to his 🙂

 

I banged on his door, armed with a massive bag of crisps from the garage. He answered, half asleep and in nothing but a pair of shorts. I was in no fit state. He made me a cup and then I asked for a tshirt to go kip in. He gave me a t shirt and then we went to bed. I must of slipped into a coma at that point as i woke up at 5 am, mouth dryer than ghandi’s flip flop and sweating buckets . The alcohol sweats! He had his arm clamped around me and was snoring PURE loud.

 

I dozed in and out of sleep. To be honest, its been years since vie been in bed with anyone with their arms around me so it felt kind of weird and i wasn’t comfortable. I also stared t his snoring carcass and decided I didn’t really fancy him. 

 

In the morning I acted really hungover to keep him at arms length. 

 

He dropped me home.

 

I wasn’t going to see him again, but slowly I thought and thought about it and decided to see him one more time. I felt like maybe  I was being too picky and at the end of the day – WHO AM I TO BE PICKY?????!!!

 

So, we had a few texts and bait of banter but at this point i’d really gone off him and i think he picked up on it as he didn’t text that much either but he kept asking to see me again.

 

My friend was up from down south with his gf and i’d not seen him for over 10 years. We arranged to meet for drinks and I offered Big G  to come along too.

 

To my surprise Big G agreed. I tried to include him in the convos between me and my old mate but to be fair it was just bait awk.

 

 

By this point i’d completely gone off Big G and in the carpark gave him a quick cuddle and a peck and drove off.

 

Big G is still oblivious to this, so I tried to let him know by texting him telling him that i really didn’t feel a spark and that i am sad as he ticks the boxes. 

 

Big G had a Facebook status meltdown “gutted” and ranted via text. Eventually i agreed to just keep seeing him to see if anything developed. We arranged dinner for tonight.

 

Yesterday, Big G basically “liked” everything I wrote / commented or uploaded on Facebook – even to the point of liking my mates replies to me!

 

He then whatsapped me a pic of himself, topless, with his tits out, and his stubble shaved into a fucking goatee!!!!! With the caption ” do you like my goatee?”

 

NO I FUCKING DONT AND WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU TOPLESS?????

 

That was one step too far. I text him and said I cannot see him again and that I am really sorry etc.

 

He replied “no probs”

 

i left it

 

Then, 2 mins later he said ” to be honest i don’t know if i even want a gf as i like playing football, going work and going to the gym”.

 

I know at this point that he was just saving face, so i went along with it and replied:

“yeh i get that vibe off you too and i think i realised you weren’t bothered too much too”:

 

he replied ” Id like to keep seeing you to see if anything became of it. be happy”

 

I ignored.

 

He tried to ring.

 

I ignored.

 

He tried again.

 

I ignored.

 

He then text asking me to ring him.

 

I ignored.

 

He text again saying he’s not a weirdo and wont keep bothering me. But, if i ever want a chat to call him.

 

 

I FEEL REALLY BAD.

I just couldn’t bring myself to keep seeing someone without a spark. Was I wrong??

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Guest blog post from #sexstarvedgoodguy

Published January 6, 2013 by jjjemma

Happy Sunday!
My, my, my … Do I have a treat for you lot today!?
I have a mans perspective!!!!
One of my pals I regularly chat to on twitter told me he has skeletons in his closet… We spoke about him doing a guest blog post and he agreed 🙂

He has chosen to remain anonymous- as would I if I was in a relationship 😉

If people like this … Please comment / retweet and #hashtag
#sexstarvedgoodguy so he can view comments 🙂

Jem x
@barbiedoll_moi

….

Reading your blog got me thinking. Are there any decent men out there? Well, I like to think so. Then it made me think about myself. Am I a decent bloke??
Answer: in short yes. But we all have a dark side don’t we.

The blog about the young lad who had a girlfriend got me thinking. You asked for advice on how to confront him. Should you say anything etc. my reply was we’re all young once and try it on.

Well my current predicament on wether I’m a good guy. I’m with my partner of 9 years. We’ve had sex once in last 6 months. (Not my choice) .

Then recently- 2nd jan to be precise, I was out with a few of the lads having a beer. When my phone goes. What’s app notifications. “Old school friend girl” has sent you an image. I open it up and there is 5 images from a girl I had a flirt with last year (No more, just a few messages and calls.). -pretty graphic to say the least.
Then a message saying happy new year. I didn’t reply straight away I was a bit shocked she’d sent them. Anyway after a bit she messages again ‘do you like’ so I replied did she mean to send to me. Well she did and then in no uncertain terms told me she wanted to meet ASAP and in no doubt what we’d be getting upto. I made my excuses and said I’d be in touch in future.

So my thoughts. Are there any decent guys out there. Yes I am. But for how long?????

Sex starved good guy.

The Youth Of Today

Published January 2, 2013 by jjjemma

Does anyone remember Aaron… The 21 year old stud from the post “the eventful evening”.

Well!!!! Let me tell you all that has developed!!!

Little , sweet, gorgeous Aaron, has been texting me constantly over xmas. Including several times on Christmas Day. Then a few days later he began WhatsApping me. Which i was happy to oblige with flirting etc. I asked why he had come over to Whatsapp rather than texting me suddenly and he said “cos I aint used this before”.
Okay, fair enough Jemma thought.

So Aaron continued to elaborate on how much he wanted to kiss my sexy body all over /lick me all over / Can’t wait to come to leicester SO BAD etc etc …. (those were his words btw)

So, today, for some reason I went on Facebook and there was Aarons status update
” Taking my gorgeous gf to arsenal at the end of the month… i will covert you ;p” (and tagged “said” gf in the post)

HOLD. THE. FUCK. UP….!!!!!!!

GIRLFRIEND???? WHAT GIRLFRIEND???!!!

So I made a fresh brew, plugged the mac book in and turned on “stalk-mode”. As a few of you may know from this postwhen I suspect a situation is any less than kosher, I turn into fully blown stalker girl.

So I clicked on aforementioned girlfriends profile. She looked about 19, nose piercing and without sounding like a bitch, average. – I mean, come on… I have “grown” into myself… as I am sure she will…

Anyways, said she was in a relationship with him since Dec 25th. Christmas day – when he spent a lot of it texting ME!
Looked through her profile pics and there was one of HIM and HER on November 4Th 2012 looking loved up. Went down her timeline, and saw she had been “in a relationship” with Aaron in Sept 2012 and June 2010. Basically, it looks like they have been on/off for a very long time. I am sure of one thing … I bet she doesn’t know of ME and I bet thats why he has swerved our little frisky chats over to Whatsapp! CUNT!

So.. I played it very innocent with Aaron. I went onto Whatsapp and said “Oh gosh I didnt realise you had a GF”

He replied:”Only just got one… you were too far away haha”
I replied: “You were too young for me anyway!”
He replied: “Never too young!Well if nothing was to happen at least I met a lovely woman out of it :)”

I replied: 🙂

He replied:”If you’d of came back to my hotel I wouldnt of been a good boy 🙂 xxxx”

I replied: “really?” (at this point fuming)
His response: “yeh course – i was besotted with YOU”

I havent replied. HE hasn’t been straight with me here has he?! “I just got a gf” —- REALLY?!!!
DO I LOOK LIKE I FUCKING FELL OFF A CHRISTMAS TREE?!!!

Now, I have 3 choices here…

1.) Keep quiet, pretend he doesn’t exist and delete off Facebook

2.) Tell his girlfriend, break the girls heart (she will prob go back to him anyway) and fuck him over – SURELY THESE DICKS NEED TO GET WHATS COMING TO THEM?! He dry humped me all over The Fan Club ffs!!!!!

3.) Scare the little player senseless and tell him if he doesn’t be straight with me then I’m gonna tell his gf about our night of “passion” *evil laugh* muhahahahaha!!!

I havent decided what to do. I am not sure I want the drama. However, on the flip side if i was the girl then I would want to be told! Lets not forget, 2 days ago, that little RUNT was planning to take me out when he is down here in 12 weeks!!!

What shall I do??????

YOU DECIDE

Loves Jem xxx

@barbiedoll_moi

@barbiedoll_moi

@barbiedoll_moi

The finale!!! Part 3 : The Tale Of The Ginge

Published November 12, 2012 by jjjemma

Last Friday, i woke up feeling like i’d been hit by a truck. My main emotion was betrayal and the overwhelming sense that i’m a gullible dickwad.
Ginge was frantically texting around mid afternoon and the text that broke me was “i know we are not in a relationship but have some decency and courtesy to reply at least!”

FUCK YOUUUUUUU!!!!! i replied a simple but effective “Like you did?”

He had no idea or remorse about ignoring me and lying?!!

After speaking with my closest pal that evening, i decided to give him a chance to admit some of his lies.
My friend pointed out a number of things:
1.) She could be a woman scorned and lied about everything
2.) I have been badly hurt in the past and could be looking for things to go wrong
and
3.) Even if he did do them things to her, he may of changed as it was a few years ago, plus everyone billy bullshits when you meet someone you like and want to impress them

so i text him. I asked him if “this” was really him. I told him i would like him regardless of job status, celebrity ex girlfriends etc. i told him he was funny and that i would still like him even if he worked in Asda.
He admitted NOTHING.
He even suggested that i was insecure and that just because he is a decent guy, i shouldn’t knock him down.

So , i told him that a friend of mine had done some research on him and that he never was in an actual relationship with the celeb.
He started ranting, saying he couldn’t believe it and that they were together over a year and that my friends are misinformed.
He then BLOCKED me on Facebook!
– Very dodgy move!!!

I asked why he had blocked me on there and also asked why he was still living at home if he was a hot shot businessman… (why not ? i had fuck all to lose AND, i am a fucker for getting the truth).

He said because he had moved back here after splitting with his LA girlfriend. He didn’t know whether to move to London where his office is located or stay here. He replied, that he blocked me because he felt “well awkward” about my mates checking on him.

(He said he moved to LA to live with a girl for almost a year, but it didn’t work out… rem don’t you need a Greencard to live in america and work???)

I calmed down abit and asked him to re-add me on Facebook. He didn’t.
I told him i was asking all this because id heard bad stuff and that if it was reversed i would expect him to do the same back.

No reply from Ginge.

I asked him if he was still sulking , as i got into bed.
He replied “yes, i am still sulking like a disabled, ginger, fat person” (thats him being funny not offensive btw!)
and then said “i trust you to trust me”.

Saturday came. Heard nothing from him. He still blocked me on Facebook yet i saw his new blog posts about bullshit overpriced crap. So he was still alive.

In the afternoon i heard from him. say
ing he will unblock me when he isn’t mardy anymore. We had bait of banter. But i couldn’t forget what the celeb girl had told me. We exchange pics of us dressed up (he was out in the shire, whilst i was out 12 miles away). He said i looked pretty.
Later that night at 1 am, he text a very pissed me saying “jem, what do you think about an “us”?”
i replied coyly “i don’t know what do you think?”
He replied in a series of texts that said” I think we would be amazing, we would burn this mother down”.
I said “unblock me on Facebook”
NO REPLY
at 4.58 am , Me and my friend got to our hotel room shit faced. I rang him. He answered. He was laughing at my drunkenness and said “you love me”. I turned. So did my mate. We said he looked like James Hewitt, and called him a liar and my mate screeched “i hate you man!” down the phone and he hung up.
I woke up yesterday with a head rougher than a jermoy kyle contestant.
I got to my mums and was monging out when he text.
He asked me to go and collect him and offered to keep me company at MY HOUSE!

When i am hungover i am very easily pissed off and basically-a bitch.

AS IF I WOULD GIVE JAMES HEWITT (AKA GINGE) MY ADDRESS AFTER WHAT THE C-LIST CELEB SAID !!!)

i called him a dick.
he asked what was wrong with me.
I gave him my blog link and told him to read the fucked. he clearly didn’t as he was replying back and forth too quick.
i then asked him if he turns up at peoples houses with his stuff once they give him their addresses?
He replied “eh???”
straight away.
i text him spilling it all out, what c list celeb had told me. He instantly replied a shocked “oh my god , this is slanderous, im in utter disbelief”
I told him i enjoyed getting to know him and told him how funny he was.
He then responded telling me how his family had opened there arms tp that girl and that he walked out on her as nothing was ever good enough. He expressed his shock and disbelief. Part of me really believed him. He didn’t wait to respond so he wasn’t having “thinking” time between txts either.
He said “THIS” was meant to be our time, getting to know each other and how gutted he was that the nuttier (c-list celeb) had ruined it. He told me how lovely i am and said we should keep in touch.

His last text to me was:
“Find someone nice and don’t settle for less”

Mine was:
“i don’t want anyone now,i am done. This is why i stay the fuck away from men. I am better off on my own. See ya!”

and there, just like that. It was done.

I’ve not contacted him and he hasn’t contacted me. I don’t expect to hear off of him.
I don’t know which of them i believe, all i know is this:

I liked this guy. A lot.
I knew the second i contacted his ex that id probably lost him despite what she said.
I am probably damaged goods thanks to the fellas that have fucked me around.
I find it hard to trust.
I hope that this means i am one step closer to meeting my match for life.
No regrets and i definitely have not cried. I felt sad and still do.
If Ginge asks me for a coffee i will probably meet him to clear the air and try to work the truth from the lies. What do you think?????
But for now, its done.
And i’m a single pringle baby!!!
love Jem x

p.s; i ate a bag of cheese and 2 mince pies whilst writing this blog – comfort food rocks xxx

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The ghost of relationship past

Published August 17, 2012 by jjjemma

I went away to help a friend in need for a few days. Quick synopsis is, she has 3 kids – 2 from one relationship and a new baby with fiancé… Who is a tosser. He went on a bender and so she went on her first ever holiday alone as a single Mum with an 8 week old baby.

Here is where I come in — she was scared and rang me for reassurance , iv been away numerous times alone with my boys an it can be lonely so I offered to go visit her at Skegness and ended up staying the night and spending the next day going round skegvegas “hotspots”.

Skegness is a two hour drive for me. It’s somewhere me and the ex used to randomly road trip to for a bag of chips on the beach and play in the arcade. Everywhere I looked today there were reminders:
-the beach, where we kissed and cuddled on one of our last days out together, a sort of farewell road trip
-The chippy opposite the beach where we shared many evenings eating the battered crap and huddled together on cold autumn nights
-The amusements, where we spent many an hour playing on the monopoly game trying to beat it
-The clubhouse he took me too whilst he fixed up some new parcan lights and speakers
-even the journey home route back to Leicester passes where he lives, Nottingham. Followed by burton on the wolds (where we was going to move together).

I don’t know if all this has came out due to me being counsellor and confidantè for my newly single parent friend. But I really felt sad.

But I couldn’t cry. In the car I was driving, my kids were asleep and I could of but they wouldn’t come out. So I think I’m over it all.
He was a cunt (see prev blogs)
And I dont want him. I think it’s the old memories plus talking about men being cunty followed by the doubt that I’ll ever see his face again.

I had to have a harassment warning issued against him so that I can move on !!!
The father of my kids, the drug abuser, the girlfriend abuser and all round loser.

He was right. Everytime I look at my kids I’ll be reminded of him….

But only cos he has missed all the boys “firsts”. Let me do it alone. They are perfect. He messed up. Big time.

And I don’t know if I can trust a man ever again.

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What is love

Published August 6, 2012 by jjjemma

What is love?

Ive spent the last 11 years of my life searching for love. I can honestly say I don’t believe iv ever been “in love”. Personally , I believe you can love many people (and if you have this honour then you are lucky!)…. But I choose to believe we find one true match in life.
Let me explain myself before the pessimists storm my page!!!! I DON’T believe in “the one” theory, but I do believe that we each find one great match in our lifetime. Nothing pre-empt such as “god made us in two parts” or “other half” bullcrap – just that some people are better suited than others:)

Lets look at my relationship history- my first ever boyfriend, Ricardo, he was a year my senior, Portuguese, short (5ft 6), olive skin, dark hair, funny and kind. We got our own flat after dating for 3 months and before we’d even slept together! I lost my virginity to that boy, in our own place, in our own bed and totally in love (or so I thought). I was a young girl, believed in everybody being nice people and very naive. He was a good man, wouldnt hurt a fly and worshipped the ground I walked along. I discovered that he had told me Lies – usually they were only to protect me or when he’d given his family money and didn’t want to upset me.
Ric and myself lasted almost 2 years before the cracks began to show. He was stifling me, always with me,never gave me space and I realised I did not like it. LOVE DOES NOT SUFFOCATE !!!!We were on a break when the next guy turned my eye…

This man, (little did I know) would turn out to be the father of my children. So, to re-cap, I was 19 years of age, I’d just lost my final grandparent to cancer and was on a break from my childhood sweetheart and first ever relationship. I was drinking heavily, smoking excessively and working 50+hours a week in a managerial retail role to keep a roof over my head, now that I had made Ric move out of our flat.

I used to go bowling every sunday night. There was always karaoke and a dj on playing cheesy tunes. This very dj my friends and I used to rip to shreds cos he was old, fat and a complete knob.
One particular sunday evening, i was drinking to get rid of anxiety. I had a sale launch at work the following morning, my area manager hated me, Ric was bombarding me with calls and texts begging for another chance at our relationship and I realised that I wasn’t in love with him anymore (that’s assuming that I ever was!)
I was up on karaoke, drunkardly screetching along to Whitney and found myself flirting with the fat/old/ugly/cringy dj?! He slipped me his card before I left.
Looking back…. The dj who was 10 years my senior saw an opportunity to manipulate a young teenage girl and ran with it (he admitted my theory was correct years later).
The next day on my break from my stressy job, I found my hungover, lonely self texting the dodgy dj. our “relationship” escalated pretty intensely from that first text.
We text and spoke on the phone all day and all night. He told me he still lived with his ex as they had a 12 y/o daughter and he was looking for his own place near her school. I was 19. I had no reason to disbelieve this. He drew the line at texting when he was at home – and he used to send me a messege saying he was going into “stealth-mode” , which basically meant “do not text”. The next time we met was when I was in Nottingham for a girly evening out. We bumped into each other at a bar that he was dj-ing in and I was drinking in. I got drunk and ended up snogging his face off. He was backing off from me , I wasn’t used to this, so I chased him harder.
Years later- he admitted that night was the night his “ex” told him she was 6 weeks preg with their second child. 😦

I didn’t know this at the time and we eventually planned our first date;the zoo. We had such a great time. He was funny but not all over me. When he touched my hand it was electric. I was 19 years old and was on a date with an actual MAN!!! I felt SO grown up. But still, this dj was not that into me!? What was going on?! So, not long after our first date, I slept with the dj in my quest to make him like me. I’d only ever slept with one man before him in my life an was very inexperienced. I found myself having feelings for the dj that I had never felt for Ricardo : longing, knots in my tummy and feeling sick most of the time- almost as if I was onthe verge of a panic attack constantly! I knew something wasn’t right… I’d only ever see the dj on his terms, he rarely stayed over at my flat and would shower immediately after sex an leave. He guarded his phone with his life, he hadn’t found his own place and we’d been seeing each other almost a year and I’d never met his family. I started to realise I was wasting my time. Id never said “I love you”. Neither had he. He kept breaking up with me and then saying he couldnt be without me. I was a mess. I started applying for jobs abroad and filling in applications to work in entertainment venues with kids.
This is when he panicked – that night he sat on my sofa, admitted his ex and him made a baby and she was due to give birth any day. He was broken. He told me he loved me and told me he expected nothing. He told me he’d never expected to find me and that I was his one. And that if I was patient and loved him too, that we could be together one day soon after the baby was born.
I was shocked, upset, relieved and happy all at the same time. This explained why he had been back and forth / on and off with me! He didn’t know how to tell me he had got his ex pregnant after a last ditch attempt to save their relationship with a “band aid baby”. In my 20 year old head I was mostly thinking “HE LOVES ME!!”
So we kept going round in circles , arguing, making up, clinging onto the love we thought we’d found. The night his baby was born, I was with him at a massive party he was djing at in London. He smoked a cigar and forced my hand onto his dick saying “who’s the daddy” . I felt sick and devastated. That was the night I grew up and realised he’d made a life with a girl he’d been with for 10years. I ended it that evening and cried for the 2 hour journey back to Leicester. I didn’t think I’d see him again. I’d lost my baby because he gave another woman a baby.

I had a breakdown. I didnt stop crying for days. Mum took me doctors and I was signed off work for two weeks with depression. I moved back home for this time. I felt like the young girl I was again. I logged onto my hotmail when I was back home. Fatal mistake. He was signed in a his profile picture was of his newborn baby. I sent him a message saying “she’s beautiful”. He immediately responded with “so are you x”. And so the game began. He started seeing me again. And breaking up with me when the guilt got too much. I was wising upto the fact that he was undoubtably sleeping with myself and the mother of his children. I was fallin out of love with him but completely addicted to “winning the game” or “winning” him. Everytime the dj dumped me or went on a wobble , I’d go out and get drunk. Then one night after a particularly bad row where he told me I was and always would be “nothing”, I did something I never thought I’d do. I had a one night stand. The day following I sat at work feeling disgusted with myself and crying. The dj was mortified at his disgusting behaviour during the previous evenings rant. And we made up. I made a vow never to tell him about my one night stand. The following week, I got dumped again, so I had a one night stand again. I was on a one way route to self destruction. I didn’t want or even like the men I slept with. I did it because I craved affection.
A few months later, the dj started spending more time with me. I was applying for jobs singing abroad again. I wante out of the circle of self destruct and he knew it. The night I was in my bed applying for these jobs was the one and only night we slept together and used No contraception-he knew what he was doing. 6 weeks later I realised id missed a period. A few days before I was 21. I took a pregnancy test in the toilets of the broadmarsh shopping centre whilst the dj was fitting a sound system in a shop. I didn’t mention a single thing to him as obviously I didn’t think for one second I’d see those two lines appear. How wrong was I. I was scared. I didn’t want to be a mum. Especially with a man who was so unreliable. I spoke to my mum primarily , an she assured me that she’d always help if I chose to keep the baby. Two days later, I received an email offering me a job on a cruise ship singing. I knew my decision had been made. I declined the job and nervously told the dj as we went to bed that evening. He was SO happy! He told me he couldn’t wait to e a “proper dad” this time. I fell asleep the happiest girl in the world that night.
The next day I got back to my flat to discover the dj’s things had gone and a note by my pc saying ” sorry I can’t do this I love My daughters too much”.
Devastated wasn’t the word. I wished at that moment I was dead.
I was in a pokey flat, no heating, in the roughest part of town, pregnant, 21 and totally alone.

I soon pulled my socks up and got on with making the most of a bad situation. I Even came round to the idea of being a single mum. The dj came back, of course, when I was 6 months pregnant he finally left his other family and we got a house together. He wouldn’t come home when expected and sometimes didn’t return home at night. After 6 weeks of hell I went through the idiots phone and discovered he’d been meeting several teenage girls. At this point he was 31 and I was 21 (past it in his eyes!) I walked out of the house into the pouring rain, 8 months pregnant ad again alone.
I moved out – the dj told me if I took any stuff from our house he would have me arrested and gave all our furniture to his other ex (the one with two of his kids).

I got my own place, worked fucking hard and furnished my house on
My own. After our son was born the dj demanded not 1, but 2 DNA tests (didn’t want to believe Alfie was his). We were beyond help at this point and he didn’t help much with the newborn. I was my worst fear – a single mum. A bout of domestic violence ensued shortly afterwards which led to dj strangling me in our bed and being convicted of assault against me.
When Alfie was 3, the arguing stopped and me and dj tried to amicably get along for the sake of our kid. He started watching alf at my house whilst I went out. I eventually met a wonderful man called Andy who was EVERYTHING I wanted: smart, funny, gorgeous, fit, own house, Porsche and loved kids and animals. One night I returned from a lovely date with my Andy an was beaming. This guy was perfect. The dj knew he’d lost me. He panicked and declared he was still in love with me and through his tears told me I was the girl he wanted to marry and have babies with and die with – everything I always wanted with him , he basically turned aroun and promised me that evening. I ended it with perfect Andy as I wanted to try again with dj so that I wasn’t a single mum and so tht Alfie had his dad everyday. 2 months later, in september 2009, dj ended it with me once an for all – declaring “I’ve tried and I just dont love you”. Dread filled me and I hurried top speed in the middle f the night to get a pregnancy test. I knew. As the test said “pregnant – 4weeks” , I vomitted into the sink. I decided to have a termination. I don’t want another baby on my own. I was scared. My mum helped so much with Alfie , I dont want to burden them further. Or to go through a pregnancy alone again. I told the dj I was pregnant who immediately declared ” it’s not mine, I had a vasectomy” WTF?! I’d slept with nobody else in over 4 years!!!! When it came to the termination- I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t kill Alfie’s brother or sister. A baby made through no fair of its own. I had that baby and named him Archie. I went through the pregnancy alone and when I was giving birth I rang the dj to invite him to the life event , in which he declined an hung up. Since then he has been back once to see the kids last November – he begged for the chance to be a dad to the boys and after discussing with family I gave him the chance (which he blew). He wanted me back. I said no. He fucked off again.
He doesn’t pay for the boys and he isn’t on the boys Birth certificates as he refused to be put on without DNA tests (I refused to do a DNA on the youngest boy). But the circles never end. He doesn’t send birthday or Xmas cards / gifts for the boys and isn’t interested in them. Yet still insists on abusing my phone everytime he is indulging in his new addiction – cocaine . His vulgarity is unbelievable and has led me to ask the police for help. A harrassment order is now in place and I’m free at last. after 8 hard years.

So you see, I don’t think that was love with the dj either as to me if felt like a mixture of manipulation, games and obsession.

It’s made me cautious about love. I think it does happen when you don’t expect it. I do enjoy dating though and see no harm in doing so.

I hope I get to experience love that does not anger, does not boast and always perseveres 🙂

Do not settle for what doesn’t feel perfect.