life

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The end… and why

Published March 13, 2013 by jjjemma

Hi all.

I’m feeling quite charged with emotion today so i’m going to try and depict why i’m leaving twitter and not blogging again.

I don’t know where to begin… I guess i’ll tell the whole story.

So, myself and “boyband” met for lunch on pancake day last month. It went well for an initial meeting – he’s tall, funny, handsome and well, just a nice guy. Anyway, we both got really busy with life and work and we didnt meet up again untill last tuesday – for lunch again. Boyband had been out in town a few weekends in a row and had suggested meeting but i was always otherwise engaged.

So, second lunch… went REALLY well. In my opinion there was a spark and we had similar humor. I knew he liked long haired girls and i had just had mine all chopped off – but he complimented me and said he liked it. After the second lunch we spoke pretty much daily. I’ll happilly admit that i was really quite happy and excited by what may come of this. I’ve never found anyone that ticks all the boxes… and other than him being lazy with communication sometimes he was pretty much perfect.

Then last weekend i went to Butlins skegness with a group of friends. We had a brilliant time and “boyband” and myself were texting daily and exchanged some drunk texts too – which ended with me leaving him an incoherent but hilarious voicemail. We’d arranged for him to come round mine for dvd and wine – it was arranged for yesterday. I was super excited.

On the last night at Butlins an epic row broke out within my friendship group – me being in the centre of it. I was drunk for most of the holiday and actually think it turned me into a total paranoid prick. One sceaming match later and i’d almost ended a very good friendship with someone I spend alot of time with – over NOTHING.

So last night before boyband came over , I text her just saying “lets not end the friendship because of a drunk row” shes coming round mine friday and we are gonna talk and snog lol. So hopefully it will get sorted as I actually really hate confrontation. I’m too old for drama!

Back to last night – so “Boyband” came round mine at 8 and we ordered chinese and drank wine. I let him choose the dvd to watch as im so laid back im almost horizontal.

He looked proper hot when he turned up all casual chic. He’s tall he’s got a lovely smile and twinkly eyes. Well, I think that I was abit delirious from the holiday as my voice has almost gone and sounds like gravels been swallowed. I was proper hyper and talked his ears off and was joking about. Thats my persona. Im in a happy bubble and i wanna stay that way. At one point we even went through my POF and was laughing at all the “original” messeges i get. I really thought the night went well. I was comfortable in his presence and even put his size 9 hi-tops on for a lugh as i’m a size 3 and they looked hilare.

He left fairly early it was just gone 11pm. No kiss just a hug and a “see you soon”.

I text him to thank him for coming over and suggested going out at the weekend.

He text back saying “awww you’re lovely, a laugh and i enjoy your company-

this is gonna sound really poo but i’m just not sure if its romantic or mates”

😦

I kept my reply very cool and said i did wonder why he didnt kiss me.

He then said he didnt feel it appropriate to go there. he respects me blah blah blah – basically “friend-zoned” me.

He then said he thinks heis not ready or bothered with the whole dating thing and that hes sure i wont have trouble finding someone as im a top bird.

Gutted

Went to bed with the hump.

I’ve not contacted him and nor will I now.

Maybe i was too much? He did say I swore loads (but its not like he didnt!!)

Maybe it was the short hair? The honesty? Maybe he just didnt fancy me.

Maybe this was his plan all along??? – He has read these blogs remember … and he said via text that “maybe” he would be the one to put an end to my blogs… WELL HE WAS RIGHT THERE …I’ve had enough of over-sharing. He was probably scared id blog about him. Maybe he was getting revenge for all the men ive pissed off.

Maybe i’m just over thinking.

So today I give up twitter, my blog and POF.

I’m so disheartened by this guy not liking me back. It was like the final nail in the coffin for me. I feel tired. Maybe i tried to hard. I am a people pleaser. Its nice to be nice and all that.

I did a cancer patients hair at college yesterday and she was so very open with me. She spoke of how “you never think its gonna be you” and that when it hits you and you realise you may die you panic and start thinking of all the things you wished you had done.

Well that comment has got me thinking. The kids dad always checks my twitter and blog – we don’t speak so its like a psycho game we are playing. I’m always on my phone tweeting my fucking life away to people i’l probably even meet. Instead of sitting with my folks and giving them my FULL attention. Or getting down on the floor and playing with my boys. And even reading a book from start to finish… i cant remember the last time i did that. Twitter for me is like a crutch. It makes me feel loved and funny and gives me attention. I’ve turned into an attention whore with my “Look at me” pictures. The bitchiness amongst cliques is rediculous too. Drama I dont need.

My blog – the place I slate all the men that were nice enough to take me out. I come across as a manhater/eater. A frequent over-sharer.

The thing is – most of you don’t even know the actual real, vulnerable, intelligent girl behind all this.

Boybands knockback was probably the best thing he could of done. It has made me realise so much. I’m nowhere near perfect. I have so much to do with my life and actually need to start making these memories.

If i never meet the one – so what?!

Shit dates – are shit!

I give up on all for now. I’ve got to focus on my kids, my family, my friends and my business. I have to find the real me again.

I loved every second on twitter but its just the right time to make positive changes.

.

I’m not shutting this blog down or deactivating my twitter i’m just deleting the apps from my phone and you never know one day I may shock you all and come back. Maybe i’ll have a happy ending to tell you all about!

Thank you everyone for being my mates. I love you all and will miss you, but i am excited to try to live a normal life without my phone in my hand

Any comments on where i went wrong with boyband would be appreciated!

Ta ta for now

Love Jemma

xxxx

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Pancake day!!!

Published February 10, 2013 by jjjemma

2 weeks ago, I got drunk and rang boyband. We got on really well on the phone, banter and he sounded lovely. He even said I sounded nice after and thought I wasn’t a nutter anymore… but then stopped talking after a few days … It just sloped off. 😦

So then last Monday we arranged to have coffee sometime over the next week… The. Conversation sloped off again. I didn’t mind. I knew he was busy with work and my week was pretty hectic with college and the kids.

So, Friday night… Went out with my pals. Lots of shots and drinks and dancing. I literally fell in love with the Dj when he played a 5ive,b*witched melody – a nod towards the telly box show I LURVE “the big reunion”.
Anyways, we were rapping along to 5ive tunes (we were surprised at how much we remembered!!!), having a quality night.

I danced with folk, even had a chat to a lovely lad called Adam – but he was very shy and said he had no kids , then later admitted to having a son but not ever seeing him πŸ‘ŠπŸ‘Žβœ‹ BYEEEEEEE

Now, I’m not sure why it happened, maybe I was drunk / waiting to long at the bar / having a moment… But I text boyband!!!

Fuck. My. Actual. Life.

At 2.21am (why would I even of thought he was awake at this time?!)
I text him saying:
“You are weird”

Lucky for me that’s all I text cos I could of wrote so much more- I’m the girl who yells abuse at taxi drivers when I’m drunk. If I feel they are driving too fast, I will shout obscenities for them playing “god” and comprising my life”

πŸ˜“ I’m basically , a nob!

When I woke up, hunger over to FUCK, Saturday morning. I checked my phone and saw a message from “boyband” , waiting to be opened. Horror overcame me. I thought he might of actually had enough of my silly mental crap.

His message read:
Awww thank you 😊 so very complimentary lol.

Sorry I am rubbish at times I know. 😳πŸ’₯πŸ”«xx

Aww! πŸ˜‹ He was kind! And we’ve arranged the coffee (which has now turned into lunch) for Tuesday!

I’m excited to meet this one! He’s very funny and I guess him being all cool has kept me interested – which is a rarity as I usually find boredom-central with fellas v. Rapidly!

So , pancake day will be the day that I get to report back on mr gorge boyband πŸ™‚

Laters πŸ’‹πŸ˜‚

Jemma

@barbiedoll_moi

Xxx

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The Youth Of Today

Published January 2, 2013 by jjjemma

Does anyone remember Aaron… The 21 year old stud from the post “the eventful evening”.

Well!!!! Let me tell you all that has developed!!!

Little , sweet, gorgeous Aaron, has been texting me constantly over xmas. Including several times on Christmas Day. Then a few days later he began WhatsApping me. Which i was happy to oblige with flirting etc. I asked why he had come over to Whatsapp rather than texting me suddenly and he said “cos I aint used this before”.
Okay, fair enough Jemma thought.

So Aaron continued to elaborate on how much he wanted to kiss my sexy body all over /lick me all over / Can’t wait to come to leicester SO BAD etc etc …. (those were his words btw)

So, today, for some reason I went on Facebook and there was Aarons status update
” Taking my gorgeous gf to arsenal at the end of the month… i will covert you ;p” (and tagged “said” gf in the post)

HOLD. THE. FUCK. UP….!!!!!!!

GIRLFRIEND???? WHAT GIRLFRIEND???!!!

So I made a fresh brew, plugged the mac book in and turned on “stalk-mode”. As a few of you may know from this postwhen I suspect a situation is any less than kosher, I turn into fully blown stalker girl.

So I clicked on aforementioned girlfriends profile. She looked about 19, nose piercing and without sounding like a bitch, average. – I mean, come on… I have “grown” into myself… as I am sure she will…

Anyways, said she was in a relationship with him since Dec 25th. Christmas day – when he spent a lot of it texting ME!
Looked through her profile pics and there was one of HIM and HER on November 4Th 2012 looking loved up. Went down her timeline, and saw she had been “in a relationship” with Aaron in Sept 2012 and June 2010. Basically, it looks like they have been on/off for a very long time. I am sure of one thing … I bet she doesn’t know of ME and I bet thats why he has swerved our little frisky chats over to Whatsapp! CUNT!

So.. I played it very innocent with Aaron. I went onto Whatsapp and said “Oh gosh I didnt realise you had a GF”

He replied:”Only just got one… you were too far away haha”
I replied: “You were too young for me anyway!”
He replied: “Never too young!Well if nothing was to happen at least I met a lovely woman out of it :)”

I replied: πŸ™‚

He replied:”If you’d of came back to my hotel I wouldnt of been a good boy πŸ™‚ xxxx”

I replied: “really?” (at this point fuming)
His response: “yeh course – i was besotted with YOU”

I havent replied. HE hasn’t been straight with me here has he?! “I just got a gf” —- REALLY?!!!
DO I LOOK LIKE I FUCKING FELL OFF A CHRISTMAS TREE?!!!

Now, I have 3 choices here…

1.) Keep quiet, pretend he doesn’t exist and delete off Facebook

2.) Tell his girlfriend, break the girls heart (she will prob go back to him anyway) and fuck him over – SURELY THESE DICKS NEED TO GET WHATS COMING TO THEM?! He dry humped me all over The Fan Club ffs!!!!!

3.) Scare the little player senseless and tell him if he doesn’t be straight with me then I’m gonna tell his gf about our night of “passion” *evil laugh* muhahahahaha!!!

I havent decided what to do. I am not sure I want the drama. However, on the flip side if i was the girl then I would want to be told! Lets not forget, 2 days ago, that little RUNT was planning to take me out when he is down here in 12 weeks!!!

What shall I do??????

YOU DECIDE

Loves Jem xxx

@barbiedoll_moi

@barbiedoll_moi

@barbiedoll_moi

The finale!!! Part 3 : The Tale Of The Ginge

Published November 12, 2012 by jjjemma

…

Last Friday, i woke up feeling like i’d been hit by a truck. My main emotion was betrayal and the overwhelming sense that i’m a gullible dickwad.
Ginge was frantically texting around mid afternoon and the text that broke me was “i know we are not in a relationship but have some decency and courtesy to reply at least!”

FUCK YOUUUUUUU!!!!! i replied a simple but effective “Like you did?”

He had no idea or remorse about ignoring me and lying?!!

After speaking with my closest pal that evening, i decided to give him a chance to admit some of his lies.
My friend pointed out a number of things:
1.) She could be a woman scorned and lied about everything
2.) I have been badly hurt in the past and could be looking for things to go wrong
and
3.) Even if he did do them things to her, he may of changed as it was a few years ago, plus everyone billy bullshits when you meet someone you like and want to impress them

so i text him. I asked him if “this” was really him. I told him i would like him regardless of job status, celebrity ex girlfriends etc. i told him he was funny and that i would still like him even if he worked in Asda.
He admitted NOTHING.
He even suggested that i was insecure and that just because he is a decent guy, i shouldn’t knock him down.

So , i told him that a friend of mine had done some research on him and that he never was in an actual relationship with the celeb.
He started ranting, saying he couldn’t believe it and that they were together over a year and that my friends are misinformed.
He then BLOCKED me on Facebook!
– Very dodgy move!!!

I asked why he had blocked me on there and also asked why he was still living at home if he was a hot shot businessman… (why not ? i had fuck all to lose AND, i am a fucker for getting the truth).

He said because he had moved back here after splitting with his LA girlfriend. He didn’t know whether to move to London where his office is located or stay here. He replied, that he blocked me because he felt “well awkward” about my mates checking on him.

(He said he moved to LA to live with a girl for almost a year, but it didn’t work out… rem don’t you need a Greencard to live in america and work???)

I calmed down abit and asked him to re-add me on Facebook. He didn’t.
I told him i was asking all this because id heard bad stuff and that if it was reversed i would expect him to do the same back.

No reply from Ginge.

I asked him if he was still sulking , as i got into bed.
He replied “yes, i am still sulking like a disabled, ginger, fat person” (thats him being funny not offensive btw!)
and then said “i trust you to trust me”.

Saturday came. Heard nothing from him. He still blocked me on Facebook yet i saw his new blog posts about bullshit overpriced crap. So he was still alive.

In the afternoon i heard from him. say
ing he will unblock me when he isn’t mardy anymore. We had bait of banter. But i couldn’t forget what the celeb girl had told me. We exchange pics of us dressed up (he was out in the shire, whilst i was out 12 miles away). He said i looked pretty.
Later that night at 1 am, he text a very pissed me saying “jem, what do you think about an “us”?”
i replied coyly “i don’t know what do you think?”
He replied in a series of texts that said” I think we would be amazing, we would burn this mother down”.
I said “unblock me on Facebook”
NO REPLY
at 4.58 am , Me and my friend got to our hotel room shit faced. I rang him. He answered. He was laughing at my drunkenness and said “you love me”. I turned. So did my mate. We said he looked like James Hewitt, and called him a liar and my mate screeched “i hate you man!” down the phone and he hung up.
I woke up yesterday with a head rougher than a jermoy kyle contestant.
I got to my mums and was monging out when he text.
He asked me to go and collect him and offered to keep me company at MY HOUSE!

When i am hungover i am very easily pissed off and basically-a bitch.

AS IF I WOULD GIVE JAMES HEWITT (AKA GINGE) MY ADDRESS AFTER WHAT THE C-LIST CELEB SAID !!!)

i called him a dick.
he asked what was wrong with me.
I gave him my blog link and told him to read the fucked. he clearly didn’t as he was replying back and forth too quick.
i then asked him if he turns up at peoples houses with his stuff once they give him their addresses?
He replied “eh???”
straight away.
i text him spilling it all out, what c list celeb had told me. He instantly replied a shocked “oh my god , this is slanderous, im in utter disbelief”
I told him i enjoyed getting to know him and told him how funny he was.
He then responded telling me how his family had opened there arms tp that girl and that he walked out on her as nothing was ever good enough. He expressed his shock and disbelief. Part of me really believed him. He didn’t wait to respond so he wasn’t having “thinking” time between txts either.
He said “THIS” was meant to be our time, getting to know each other and how gutted he was that the nuttier (c-list celeb) had ruined it. He told me how lovely i am and said we should keep in touch.

His last text to me was:
“Find someone nice and don’t settle for less”

Mine was:
“i don’t want anyone now,i am done. This is why i stay the fuck away from men. I am better off on my own. See ya!”

and there, just like that. It was done.

I’ve not contacted him and he hasn’t contacted me. I don’t expect to hear off of him.
I don’t know which of them i believe, all i know is this:

I liked this guy. A lot.
I knew the second i contacted his ex that id probably lost him despite what she said.
I am probably damaged goods thanks to the fellas that have fucked me around.
I find it hard to trust.
I hope that this means i am one step closer to meeting my match for life.
No regrets and i definitely have not cried. I felt sad and still do.
If Ginge asks me for a coffee i will probably meet him to clear the air and try to work the truth from the lies. What do you think?????
But for now, its done.
And i’m a single pringle baby!!!
love Jem x

p.s; i ate a bag of cheese and 2 mince pies whilst writing this blog – comfort food rocks xxx

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Scared

Published October 15, 2012 by jjjemma

Scared

My dreams are extremely vivid. I dream almost every night. Sometimes , they are amazing… I’ve dreamt of winning the lottery, meeting the man of my dreams and having lovely holidays with family. Other times, and more so this past 6 months, my dreams have been haunted. Things that I am not proud of that I have done in my past have revisited me via my dreams. Lots of sad events have morphed into strange nightmares:-
My grandparents that have passed away, a baby that’s in the stars, my children’s father who I know I will probably never get “closure” from and even current people that are in my life right now have shown up to taunt me in my sleep.

I’m thinkin that this could mark the end of the crap that has followed my ass around most of my life- as if this is my brain finally processing it all and filling it under “junk”. πŸ“πŸ“‚
I was once told I have a spiritual aura ad could tap into this if it was a path I chose. I’m scared of the bleedin’ dark, so I never looked anymore into it.
I have recognised I get a “feeling” when someone is going to pass from this world. It’s a deep,sicky, worry feeling that lurks in the pit of my stomach. I got the feeling on the day my nana and grandad died, the dad my first boyfriend lost his aunty and I got the feeling a few nights ago- the night a dear friend lost her grandmother.

I’m not sure why I’m Sharing this, I guess because its part of my story.

People always say to me “I don’t know how you do it” (-being a complete single mum / zero aid from my boys dad). I also get told numerously how “strong” I am.
Here’s the truth:

My names Jemma. I’m 27 years old. I spent my early years struggling to find who I really was. I got in with bad crowds and was a complete tosser. I spent my teens fucked up from close family dying on an annual basis. Then, wasted my early twenties allowing myself to be manipulated by a very clever and sick person. I’m now approaching my 30’s. I try to be an ace momma, but accept that I am nowhere near perfect. I try to keep my friendships close and would call myself loyal. I’ve got my act together, removed myself from negative people &treat people as I want to be treated. I have educated myself and have put my all into my career. I’m chasing my dreams. Feeling the fear and doing it anyway. I am the healthiest I have ever been and completed my fort 10k in September… But I’m still scared.

Scared of my folks dying.
Scared of failing in life, at being a mom and a citizen of the world.
Scared of not having enough money, ever meeting a life partner and scared of never feeling truly contented.
Scared of letting myself or others down and scared that they will eventually let me down!
Scared that I will never achieve my dreams.
I’m scared of fricken EVERYTHING!!!

But that’s ok cos I’ve learned to “switch” it off. To fake it.

Being a mom certainly is the hardest job in the world – I should know I’ve done soooo many jobs over the years: cook, cleaner, waitress, pot washer, telesales,singer, Dj, retail sales, manager, deputy retail manager, beautician, make up artist and hairdresser.

NEVER did I feel the guilty scared feeling that comes with being a mom!

Guilty for leavin kids and going to work / college

Guilty that I can’t afford a certain must have toy

Guilty that I can whip them up a father

Guilty that I spend too long putting make up on in the morning

Guilty for spending more time / money / cuddles on one kid instead if the other …

But !!!! I’ve realised that being scared and feeling these emotions in like is perfectly NORMAL.
They are what make us human. The important factors to remember are :-
1.) Don’t beat yourself upπŸ”«
2.) Live each day as if its your lastπŸ’€
3.) SmileπŸ˜‹

It doesn’t cost a thing to smile. A smile can often counteract the fear or “scared” and if all else fails remember

❀SOMEONE LOVES YOU❀

🎢🎡-jlo was correct “love don’t cost a thing” 🎀

So next time you feel scared, do what I do- use it as the fuel to fire your drive πŸ™‚
Love y’all,
Jem xxx
Xxx
@barbiedoll_moi

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Wake me up …when September ends

Published September 21, 2012 by jjjemma

It’s the 21 September! Where has this year gone!???
I remember years ago listening to greendays song (the blog title) years ago and wishing sept away… But not this year!!
September has been GREAT for sooo many reasons!
I am in my final year of college and September signifies the beginning of my final 3 terms in education!!!
I have also had news from the CSA. Which seems promising and I feel positive that a financial level of security will be put in place for my children before this years out!!
I have also started Xmas shopping – all you single parents out there know how important it is to start it early to ensure your kids aren’t disheartened on crimbo day.
Today I got my iPhone 5!!! I have been waiting 2 years for this! And finally I treated myself to a decent phone! 3GS is NO MORE!!! Woop!!

My parents celebrate 40 years of marriage (ruby wedding) next Sunday! On the last day of September – which will be a positive way to end this month!
And tomorrow I am running my first ever 10k !!! For cancer research! I’m sitting here all excited and nervous! I can’t wait to put on my t shirt with running number and “who I am running for” badge. I will be thinking of my beautiful family a d friends that I have lost to cancer whilst I am running my hardest tomorrow. I’m ready.
My boys are gonna be watching me and fam & friends ! I realise how extremely lucky I am!!! I finally found myself! Aged 27 πŸ™‚

Doing my 1st 10k TOMORROW πŸ™€. Race for life #cancerresearch Text JEMS84 Β£5 to 70070 to sponsor me OR CLICK HERE http://t.co/2iU0wGYI πŸ˜‹

There’s the links if you fancy helping me smash my targets xxxx
Think of me at 10.30am πŸ™‚ xxxx

@barbiedoll_moi

Jemma xxxxπŸ’‹πŸ’‹πŸ’‹πŸ’‹

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Crossroads

Published August 20, 2012 by jjjemma

Cross roads

So today’s first blog of the week is about my life (no surprise there!)

I’m at a complete crossroads in my life , professionally and personally.
Last year I trained as a level 2 hairdresser and 2 years prior I was awarded my level 3 in Beauty sciences (all destination levels). I love hair and beauty, but I always thought I’d end up teaching. To teach, would mean going to uni and putting life on hold for 3 years. As the sole parent of two young boys, I can’t imagine juggling them, child care, study, uni and life – not to mention being skint for years.

So I applied to do my level 3 at college in hairdressing. I was told I’d get funding, but now the government has changed legislation which means I may get no help with child care and have to find Β£800 in study fees – not gonna happen :/

The other option is to go completely self employed and build up a business from nothing. It’s a terrifying leap that I may now be forced into. But I refuse to sit at home for a year on benefits whilst I wait for my youngest to get his government funded child are when he turns 3 . Although I’m sure many single mums wouldnt mind chilling for a year- its not for me. I wouldn’t want to waste a year doing nothing.

So today I’m emailing various salons and oap homes to see if they need a hairdresser. I will do this. I CAN do this.

My personal crossroads is, I’ve decided to come off POF which means – zero dates for me. Will he ever find me?
Plus, my 6 year old is really testing me over the summer holidays. This morning hasnt been a good start to the week. He has been assessed for autism last year and I was told that no – he wasn’t on the autistic spectrum. His consultant doesn’t believe their is anything wrong with him (other than behavioural difficulties) – but that’s mainly because my 6 y/o is a complete angel in front of the doctor.
What concerns me most is that two of my uncles were what was known as then as “backwards” , now called “learning difficulties” – neither can read or write and both have very immature mental ages. My brother has had alot of behavioural difficulties growing up and was never diagnosed with anything.
I’m really praying that the last two years of bad bad behaviour is just “growing pains” and may even be trauma from his dad leaving. The doctors tell me to keep doing what I am doing. The support and advice I’ve received from them is minimal. Sometimes I don’t know the right way to do stuff. Kids don’t come with a manual.

Really this post is abit of a life moan…. Blurb… Oh I don’t know. I’ve got it out now and must continue to push forward.

Success doesn’t happen from being still
Jem x

Ps: I have just been talking with a girl from college and we are meeting Wednesday to talk business ideas and merging, as she has projects lined up πŸ™‚ eeee:) see – it’s not what to know / it’s WHO you know
X

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