I’m feeling quite charged with emotion today so i’m going to try and depict why i’m leaving twitter and not blogging again.
I don’t know where to begin… I guess i’ll tell the whole story.
So, myself and “boyband” met for lunch on pancake day last month. It went well for an initial meeting – he’s tall, funny, handsome and well, just a nice guy. Anyway, we both got really busy with life and work and we didnt meet up again untill last tuesday – for lunch again. Boyband had been out in town a few weekends in a row and had suggested meeting but i was always otherwise engaged.
So, second lunch… went REALLY well. In my opinion there was a spark and we had similar humor. I knew he liked long haired girls and i had just had mine all chopped off – but he complimented me and said he liked it. After the second lunch we spoke pretty much daily. I’ll happilly admit that i was really quite happy and excited by what may come of this. I’ve never found anyone that ticks all the boxes… and other than him being lazy with communication sometimes he was pretty much perfect.
Then last weekend i went to Butlins skegness with a group of friends. We had a brilliant time and “boyband” and myself were texting daily and exchanged some drunk texts too – which ended with me leaving him an incoherent but hilarious voicemail. We’d arranged for him to come round mine for dvd and wine – it was arranged for yesterday. I was super excited.
On the last night at Butlins an epic row broke out within my friendship group – me being in the centre of it. I was drunk for most of the holiday and actually think it turned me into a total paranoid prick. One sceaming match later and i’d almost ended a very good friendship with someone I spend alot of time with – over NOTHING.
So last night before boyband came over , I text her just saying “lets not end the friendship because of a drunk row” shes coming round mine friday and we are gonna talk and snog lol. So hopefully it will get sorted as I actually really hate confrontation. I’m too old for drama!
Back to last night – so “Boyband” came round mine at 8 and we ordered chinese and drank wine. I let him choose the dvd to watch as im so laid back im almost horizontal.
He looked proper hot when he turned up all casual chic. He’s tall he’s got a lovely smile and twinkly eyes. Well, I think that I was abit delirious from the holiday as my voice has almost gone and sounds like gravels been swallowed. I was proper hyper and talked his ears off and was joking about. Thats my persona. Im in a happy bubble and i wanna stay that way. At one point we even went through my POF and was laughing at all the “original” messeges i get. I really thought the night went well. I was comfortable in his presence and even put his size 9 hi-tops on for a lugh as i’m a size 3 and they looked hilare.
He left fairly early it was just gone 11pm. No kiss just a hug and a “see you soon”.
I text him to thank him for coming over and suggested going out at the weekend.
He text back saying “awww you’re lovely, a laugh and i enjoy your company-
this is gonna sound really poo but i’m just not sure if its romantic or mates”
I kept my reply very cool and said i did wonder why he didnt kiss me.
He then said he didnt feel it appropriate to go there. he respects me blah blah blah – basically “friend-zoned” me.
He then said he thinks heis not ready or bothered with the whole dating thing and that hes sure i wont have trouble finding someone as im a top bird.
Went to bed with the hump.
I’ve not contacted him and nor will I now.
Maybe i was too much? He did say I swore loads (but its not like he didnt!!)
Maybe it was the short hair? The honesty? Maybe he just didnt fancy me.
Maybe this was his plan all along??? – He has read these blogs remember … and he said via text that “maybe” he would be the one to put an end to my blogs… WELL HE WAS RIGHT THERE …I’ve had enough of over-sharing. He was probably scared id blog about him. Maybe he was getting revenge for all the men ive pissed off.
Maybe i’m just over thinking.
So today I give up twitter, my blog and POF.
I’m so disheartened by this guy not liking me back. It was like the final nail in the coffin for me. I feel tired. Maybe i tried to hard. I am a people pleaser. Its nice to be nice and all that.
I did a cancer patients hair at college yesterday and she was so very open with me. She spoke of how “you never think its gonna be you” and that when it hits you and you realise you may die you panic and start thinking of all the things you wished you had done.
Well that comment has got me thinking. The kids dad always checks my twitter and blog – we don’t speak so its like a psycho game we are playing. I’m always on my phone tweeting my fucking life away to people i’l probably even meet. Instead of sitting with my folks and giving them my FULL attention. Or getting down on the floor and playing with my boys. And even reading a book from start to finish… i cant remember the last time i did that. Twitter for me is like a crutch. It makes me feel loved and funny and gives me attention. I’ve turned into an attention whore with my “Look at me” pictures. The bitchiness amongst cliques is rediculous too. Drama I dont need.
My blog – the place I slate all the men that were nice enough to take me out. I come across as a manhater/eater. A frequent over-sharer.
The thing is – most of you don’t even know the actual real, vulnerable, intelligent girl behind all this.
Boybands knockback was probably the best thing he could of done. It has made me realise so much. I’m nowhere near perfect. I have so much to do with my life and actually need to start making these memories.
If i never meet the one – so what?!
Shit dates – are shit!
I give up on all for now. I’ve got to focus on my kids, my family, my friends and my business. I have to find the real me again.
I loved every second on twitter but its just the right time to make positive changes.
I’m not shutting this blog down or deactivating my twitter i’m just deleting the apps from my phone and you never know one day I may shock you all and come back. Maybe i’ll have a happy ending to tell you all about!
Thank you everyone for being my mates. I love you all and will miss you, but i am excited to try to live a normal life without my phone in my hand
Any comments on where i went wrong with boyband would be appreciated!
Ta ta for now