What is love?
Ive spent the last 11 years of my life searching for love. I can honestly say I don’t believe iv ever been “in love”. Personally , I believe you can love many people (and if you have this honour then you are lucky!)…. But I choose to believe we find one true match in life.
Let me explain myself before the pessimists storm my page!!!! I DON’T believe in “the one” theory, but I do believe that we each find one great match in our lifetime. Nothing pre-empt such as “god made us in two parts” or “other half” bullcrap – just that some people are better suited than others:)
Lets look at my relationship history- my first ever boyfriend, Ricardo, he was a year my senior, Portuguese, short (5ft 6), olive skin, dark hair, funny and kind. We got our own flat after dating for 3 months and before we’d even slept together! I lost my virginity to that boy, in our own place, in our own bed and totally in love (or so I thought). I was a young girl, believed in everybody being nice people and very naive. He was a good man, wouldnt hurt a fly and worshipped the ground I walked along. I discovered that he had told me Lies – usually they were only to protect me or when he’d given his family money and didn’t want to upset me.
Ric and myself lasted almost 2 years before the cracks began to show. He was stifling me, always with me,never gave me space and I realised I did not like it. LOVE DOES NOT SUFFOCATE !!!!We were on a break when the next guy turned my eye…
This man, (little did I know) would turn out to be the father of my children. So, to re-cap, I was 19 years of age, I’d just lost my final grandparent to cancer and was on a break from my childhood sweetheart and first ever relationship. I was drinking heavily, smoking excessively and working 50+hours a week in a managerial retail role to keep a roof over my head, now that I had made Ric move out of our flat.
I used to go bowling every sunday night. There was always karaoke and a dj on playing cheesy tunes. This very dj my friends and I used to rip to shreds cos he was old, fat and a complete knob.
One particular sunday evening, i was drinking to get rid of anxiety. I had a sale launch at work the following morning, my area manager hated me, Ric was bombarding me with calls and texts begging for another chance at our relationship and I realised that I wasn’t in love with him anymore (that’s assuming that I ever was!)
I was up on karaoke, drunkardly screetching along to Whitney and found myself flirting with the fat/old/ugly/cringy dj?! He slipped me his card before I left.
Looking back…. The dj who was 10 years my senior saw an opportunity to manipulate a young teenage girl and ran with it (he admitted my theory was correct years later).
The next day on my break from my stressy job, I found my hungover, lonely self texting the dodgy dj. our “relationship” escalated pretty intensely from that first text.
We text and spoke on the phone all day and all night. He told me he still lived with his ex as they had a 12 y/o daughter and he was looking for his own place near her school. I was 19. I had no reason to disbelieve this. He drew the line at texting when he was at home – and he used to send me a messege saying he was going into “stealth-mode” , which basically meant “do not text”. The next time we met was when I was in Nottingham for a girly evening out. We bumped into each other at a bar that he was dj-ing in and I was drinking in. I got drunk and ended up snogging his face off. He was backing off from me , I wasn’t used to this, so I chased him harder.
Years later- he admitted that night was the night his “ex” told him she was 6 weeks preg with their second child. 😦
I didn’t know this at the time and we eventually planned our first date;the zoo. We had such a great time. He was funny but not all over me. When he touched my hand it was electric. I was 19 years old and was on a date with an actual MAN!!! I felt SO grown up. But still, this dj was not that into me!? What was going on?! So, not long after our first date, I slept with the dj in my quest to make him like me. I’d only ever slept with one man before him in my life an was very inexperienced. I found myself having feelings for the dj that I had never felt for Ricardo : longing, knots in my tummy and feeling sick most of the time- almost as if I was onthe verge of a panic attack constantly! I knew something wasn’t right… I’d only ever see the dj on his terms, he rarely stayed over at my flat and would shower immediately after sex an leave. He guarded his phone with his life, he hadn’t found his own place and we’d been seeing each other almost a year and I’d never met his family. I started to realise I was wasting my time. Id never said “I love you”. Neither had he. He kept breaking up with me and then saying he couldnt be without me. I was a mess. I started applying for jobs abroad and filling in applications to work in entertainment venues with kids.
This is when he panicked – that night he sat on my sofa, admitted his ex and him made a baby and she was due to give birth any day. He was broken. He told me he loved me and told me he expected nothing. He told me he’d never expected to find me and that I was his one. And that if I was patient and loved him too, that we could be together one day soon after the baby was born.
I was shocked, upset, relieved and happy all at the same time. This explained why he had been back and forth / on and off with me! He didn’t know how to tell me he had got his ex pregnant after a last ditch attempt to save their relationship with a “band aid baby”. In my 20 year old head I was mostly thinking “HE LOVES ME!!”
So we kept going round in circles , arguing, making up, clinging onto the love we thought we’d found. The night his baby was born, I was with him at a massive party he was djing at in London. He smoked a cigar and forced my hand onto his dick saying “who’s the daddy” . I felt sick and devastated. That was the night I grew up and realised he’d made a life with a girl he’d been with for 10years. I ended it that evening and cried for the 2 hour journey back to Leicester. I didn’t think I’d see him again. I’d lost my baby because he gave another woman a baby.
I had a breakdown. I didnt stop crying for days. Mum took me doctors and I was signed off work for two weeks with depression. I moved back home for this time. I felt like the young girl I was again. I logged onto my hotmail when I was back home. Fatal mistake. He was signed in a his profile picture was of his newborn baby. I sent him a message saying “she’s beautiful”. He immediately responded with “so are you x”. And so the game began. He started seeing me again. And breaking up with me when the guilt got too much. I was wising upto the fact that he was undoubtably sleeping with myself and the mother of his children. I was fallin out of love with him but completely addicted to “winning the game” or “winning” him. Everytime the dj dumped me or went on a wobble , I’d go out and get drunk. Then one night after a particularly bad row where he told me I was and always would be “nothing”, I did something I never thought I’d do. I had a one night stand. The day following I sat at work feeling disgusted with myself and crying. The dj was mortified at his disgusting behaviour during the previous evenings rant. And we made up. I made a vow never to tell him about my one night stand. The following week, I got dumped again, so I had a one night stand again. I was on a one way route to self destruction. I didn’t want or even like the men I slept with. I did it because I craved affection.
A few months later, the dj started spending more time with me. I was applying for jobs singing abroad again. I wante out of the circle of self destruct and he knew it. The night I was in my bed applying for these jobs was the one and only night we slept together and used No contraception-he knew what he was doing. 6 weeks later I realised id missed a period. A few days before I was 21. I took a pregnancy test in the toilets of the broadmarsh shopping centre whilst the dj was fitting a sound system in a shop. I didn’t mention a single thing to him as obviously I didn’t think for one second I’d see those two lines appear. How wrong was I. I was scared. I didn’t want to be a mum. Especially with a man who was so unreliable. I spoke to my mum primarily , an she assured me that she’d always help if I chose to keep the baby. Two days later, I received an email offering me a job on a cruise ship singing. I knew my decision had been made. I declined the job and nervously told the dj as we went to bed that evening. He was SO happy! He told me he couldn’t wait to e a “proper dad” this time. I fell asleep the happiest girl in the world that night.
The next day I got back to my flat to discover the dj’s things had gone and a note by my pc saying ” sorry I can’t do this I love My daughters too much”.
Devastated wasn’t the word. I wished at that moment I was dead.
I was in a pokey flat, no heating, in the roughest part of town, pregnant, 21 and totally alone.
I soon pulled my socks up and got on with making the most of a bad situation. I Even came round to the idea of being a single mum. The dj came back, of course, when I was 6 months pregnant he finally left his other family and we got a house together. He wouldn’t come home when expected and sometimes didn’t return home at night. After 6 weeks of hell I went through the idiots phone and discovered he’d been meeting several teenage girls. At this point he was 31 and I was 21 (past it in his eyes!) I walked out of the house into the pouring rain, 8 months pregnant ad again alone.
I moved out – the dj told me if I took any stuff from our house he would have me arrested and gave all our furniture to his other ex (the one with two of his kids).
I got my own place, worked fucking hard and furnished my house on
My own. After our son was born the dj demanded not 1, but 2 DNA tests (didn’t want to believe Alfie was his). We were beyond help at this point and he didn’t help much with the newborn. I was my worst fear – a single mum. A bout of domestic violence ensued shortly afterwards which led to dj strangling me in our bed and being convicted of assault against me.
When Alfie was 3, the arguing stopped and me and dj tried to amicably get along for the sake of our kid. He started watching alf at my house whilst I went out. I eventually met a wonderful man called Andy who was EVERYTHING I wanted: smart, funny, gorgeous, fit, own house, Porsche and loved kids and animals. One night I returned from a lovely date with my Andy an was beaming. This guy was perfect. The dj knew he’d lost me. He panicked and declared he was still in love with me and through his tears told me I was the girl he wanted to marry and have babies with and die with – everything I always wanted with him , he basically turned aroun and promised me that evening. I ended it with perfect Andy as I wanted to try again with dj so that I wasn’t a single mum and so tht Alfie had his dad everyday. 2 months later, in september 2009, dj ended it with me once an for all – declaring “I’ve tried and I just dont love you”. Dread filled me and I hurried top speed in the middle f the night to get a pregnancy test. I knew. As the test said “pregnant – 4weeks” , I vomitted into the sink. I decided to have a termination. I don’t want another baby on my own. I was scared. My mum helped so much with Alfie , I dont want to burden them further. Or to go through a pregnancy alone again. I told the dj I was pregnant who immediately declared ” it’s not mine, I had a vasectomy” WTF?! I’d slept with nobody else in over 4 years!!!! When it came to the termination- I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t kill Alfie’s brother or sister. A baby made through no fair of its own. I had that baby and named him Archie. I went through the pregnancy alone and when I was giving birth I rang the dj to invite him to the life event , in which he declined an hung up. Since then he has been back once to see the kids last November – he begged for the chance to be a dad to the boys and after discussing with family I gave him the chance (which he blew). He wanted me back. I said no. He fucked off again.
He doesn’t pay for the boys and he isn’t on the boys Birth certificates as he refused to be put on without DNA tests (I refused to do a DNA on the youngest boy). But the circles never end. He doesn’t send birthday or Xmas cards / gifts for the boys and isn’t interested in them. Yet still insists on abusing my phone everytime he is indulging in his new addiction – cocaine . His vulgarity is unbelievable and has led me to ask the police for help. A harrassment order is now in place and I’m free at last. after 8 hard years.
So you see, I don’t think that was love with the dj either as to me if felt like a mixture of manipulation, games and obsession.
It’s made me cautious about love. I think it does happen when you don’t expect it. I do enjoy dating though and see no harm in doing so.
I hope I get to experience love that does not anger, does not boast and always perseveres 🙂
Do not settle for what doesn’t feel perfect.