Two weeks

Published October 3, 2013 by jjjemma

Two weeks ago I had my second ever cervical smear test. Personally I think that they are really important and would never not attend one just because I didn’t wanna get my vaj out.
To be fair my vaj rarely gets an outing now so I’m happy to oblige when required!
I had my smear test- a swab swept across my cervix to collect cells to be scrutinised under a microscope in a laboratory(for those who don’t know!).
I went home and didn’t think about the cervical screening again. I’m 28, healthy and active. There is no reason why I would need to worry about pre cancerous cells.

I got an official looking letter last Friday- I opened it straight away. I knew instantly when I saw the “NHS” letterhead that it wasn’t great news. My eyes darted across the paper rapidly and then I had to dash off to take Alfie to swimming.
Whilst I was driving my brain was processing what it had just read.
Borderline cell changes on my cervix were spotted and I need a further examination and possible treatment.

Rationalising the info in my head, I thought “borderline” – this means something that is on the edge of change. I felt abit better and calmed down.

Once the kids were in bed I took out the letter again and read it properly.
Yes, I had borderline changes to my cervical cells. What I had missed during my quick scan of the letter was, I had been tested for “HPV” – the human papilloma virus.

Here is alittle about HPV:

HPV is common. Most people have the virus at some time in their lives. For most people it causes no symptoms and goes away on its own. It is much more common in young people, probably because we develop immunity to the virus as we get older.

Some types of HPV can cause changes in the cells of the cervix or the lining of the mouth and throat. They are known as high risk HPVs. Doctors call these cell changes dysplasia. The changed cells have an increased risk of becoming cancerous.

😞

This worried me. My HPV is turning my cervix cells bad.
HPV causes cancer.

HPV Testing is being rolled out around England as an “add on” to the cervical smear test.
HPV vaccinations are now being given to 12 year old girls in the UK TO TRY AND ELIMINATE CERVICAL CANCER IN YEARS TO COME.

Google became the enemy. I sat and googled all sorts. I knew I shouldn’t but my first thought was my children – Alfie and Archie.

They only have me as their parent and I was panicking.

Every single night since last Friday I have laid in bed having palpitations about this situation.

I had an appointment come through for a colposcopy this Friday.
A colposcopy is a microscopic thorough exam of the cervix and the cells.
I felt relieved to be seen so quickly!
My friend works on the colposcopy department at the hospital and she asked a nurse about my situation and the nurse told her that I would definitely need treatment. This would be a diathermy (heat) or laser treatment to kill the bad cells and to kill the HPV infection on my cervix. They will also be taking a biopsy to ensure that no pre cancerous cells have turned into cancer. I will then be graded dependent on how much of my cervix cells are mutated with abnormalities. CIN 1: less than a 3rd cells are bad
CIN 2 : 2/3rds of the cells are bad
CIN 3 : ALL of the cells are bad.

CIN 2 and 3 are defo the ones I wouldn’t be wanted CIN 3 is almost at the cervical cancer stage.

I can’t believe I’m writing this blog. I’ve only told a few real life people as I don’t want everyone knowing and giving me anymore horror stories. A friend of a friend died of cervical cancer and she was younger than me.

I feel sick when I think of jade goody: bubbly single mum of 2 boys- familiar?
I followed her story with horror and devastation.

Today, I got my period. So I rang up the colposcopy ward and they said I have to rearrange the appointment now as they will not be able to inspect my cervix clearly. The next appointment available is in 2 weeks.

I could fucking scream.

I am trying to be rational but I do not feel myself at all. I have a question mark hanging over my head.

1 in 20 smear tests get a call back.
2 in 100 have the hpv and borderline changes
Very few go on to progressive cancer.

I just can’t help feeling that I always get dealt the shit card.

I have my own business and 2 gorgeous boys. My family is great and have some amazing friends. I have worked so hard to have a happy life.

It has made me realise that I should not take one second of my life for granted. Already I feel like a happier grateful person.

No doubt tonight I will get in bed, and overthink again. That’s just me. I wish I could just switch off.
Whatever happens, I know I am a good person.
Good things happen to good people and I am a tough cookie.

I’ve been through much worse and I’m being as positive as I can!
I will keep you all updated. I just wanted to share my story so far.
Jem xxx

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The Big Lie

Published September 23, 2013 by jjjemma

Ola!

Me again…

I’m sitting here , bewildered. The past week has been a whirlwind.

I focussed my attentions on a new dating website “Tinder”. It is a bit like hot or not… you like or bin the men and if you both “like” each other then a chat option opens up, where you can chat etc.

This is how I came to know James. I’m naming this man as I really don’t know what else to do.

James’ avi was of him in a tight white T-shirt, cap and sunnies on and MASSIVE arms. He messaged me first with the compliment of “I love your tattoo”. We got talking and it was pretty much on from the word go. He was polite, educated, fit and very complimentary of me. He told me he was 26, own place, a PE teacher and played rugby a few times a week. James said he was very new to the whole “tinder” thing. He lived in a nearby village to myself and worked in the same area that I lived. The day after we began talking he asked me out for a drink. I liked that he didn’t wanna chat load before meeting so we exchanged numbers and he promised to buy me half a shandy on Friday night 😉

Wednesday to Friday he was texting and whatsapping me most of the day (even at work – a school). He repeatedly said he was looking forward to our date friday and he told me he admired me for being a strong single mother with my own business. No games. He wouldn’t play the “wait 5 mins and reply” thing.

He went a bit quiet thursday night – but when he finally did text he said he’d been at his mum and dads house – REMEMBER THIS AS ITS KEY!

Friday came and at 5 pm I had to have a lay down as i had a migraine. I text to arrange a later time and he was absolutely lovely about it. I was still very late turning up for my date (by 40 minutes), but he didn’t seem fazed at all. I walked into an upmarket bar in town there stood James at the bar. Great physique , over 6 foot tall, fabulous dress sense and waiting for me with a drink in his hand! BINGO! My nerves disappeared instantly. We went and sat down and chatted away and had a few drinks. During this time I asked him lots about himself as he knew lots about me already from our text conversations. He asked what I wanted to know and i replied “everything”.

He told me that he used to be a builder and his mate was a PE teacher so he retrained via an open university thing and as his mate left the job, he recommended James for the job and he got it. I asked “didn’t you have to do your PCGE thing to teach” and he said no. He doesn’t work in a mainstream school, he works in a school for disruptive kids that get expelled from regular schools. Fair play, I thought.

He then said he’d done some travelling for a year – Vegas, Thailand, Australia etc…In hindsight he said that he wished he had done it in smaller time frames so that he didn’t have to watch his money etc.

He’d been with a girlfriend for 4 years. I asked when they broke up? 18 months ago he said and he’s just sold the house they bought together to pay her off and is using his sum to do up a new house he’s put an offer in for. In the meantime he is staying with his mate. I had no reason to distrust anything he was saying. He was very straight to the point and didn’t use closed body language etc. He seemed really relaxed in my company as was I in his…

I asked about his mum and dad and he said that they lived very near to me. He then cursed and said “I don’t know why i always say mum and dad as my mums gone. She died a few months ago”.

I felt fairly gutted for him at that point. He is 26 and that’s too young to lose your mum. I didn’t pry too much as i obviously didn’t want him to cry on our first date. He said his dad is so lost and that he doesn’t like going round to the house anymore as his dad needs to learn to live without being surrounded by people all of the time.

He asked why i was single – I told him straight “because I am picky”, he laughed and said he best be on top form tonight then. I asked him why he has been single for 18 months – I mean, James is a fit, gorgeous independent man. He’s a catch!!!! I’d go as far to say he is the best looking man who I have ever dated. He told me that most of his pals had started families and were settled so he doesn’t go out often and doesn’t really like to try to “pull” chicks in bars.

Excellent.

He asked if we were gonna get drunk, I told him hell yes! I knew I wouldn’t sleep with him and I know my limitations with booze, but it was Friday night and I had an absolute HUNK on my arm!

We went to a cocktail bar which is my fave place. We had 3 cocktails in there – He payed and whilst at the bar he put his hand on the small of my back protectively as it was rammed with people. I’d had a drink and asked if he minded that I go outside to smoke. I told him I wouldn’t if he didn’t like it. This perfect man I had found on tinder laughed and said he didn’t mind at all and led me to the smoking area. Nothing was an issue for him, he was funny and laid back. His phone kept going off and i jokingly said it was his wife and 10 kids. He laughed and said no it was his mate.Some random man came up to us and started talking to James about Rugby as its fairly obvious from his body and size that he plays, whilst he was being polite and making conversation with the stranger he placed his hand on my arm and smiled. I liked it. I liked him.

It was getting late but neither of us wanted to go home so he suggested another bar and off we went. En route, I heard someone screech “Jemmaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa”. It was 2 of my good friends and party girls – we were all a bit tipsy and I turned to James and said “this was not planned”!!! He smiled and said it was alright and we all went to the next bar together. We got a drink and sat down and my friends joined us and started taking lots of photos of us. At this point myself and James were quite tipsy. We didn’t care. He told me that i was “perfect” and then kissed me so perfectly I actually could have kissed him all night. I’ve never been that instantly attracted to anyone in my whole life.

I went to the ladies and he sat with my mates and when I came back and my mates went off to dance he said he really liked my friends and that they were funny. We were constantly touching hands, and if we wasnt holding hands he was stroking my leg. It all felt very natural and I was really chuffed with myself. We did some shots of jager and took more pictures. We all wanted to go to a club and off we went, myself, James and friends in tow.

We got to the club, James and myself spent some alone time chatting some more, kissing lots and having really good banter. James phone was going off and he kept texting whoever it was back. He told me it was his mate who was also out in town but didn’t want to come to the club.Again, he told me how perfect I was and then he said “I don’t know why you like me, I’m ugly”

 

STOP RIGHT THERE.

James is gorgeous and the opposite of ugly. I found it a bit strange that he didn’t have much confidence. He said his ex had cheated on him and said some pretty nasty stuff and that the comments had stuck. I told him that it’s a load of rubbish and that he is gorgeous.

He has the same music taste as me and even dragged me to the dance floor to dance with me and my mates. More kissing on the dance floor happened.

At about 1.30am , He said that he was going to go as his mate was leaving town soon and he wanted to taxi share with him (the village he lives in would have cost £25+ to get home in a cab alone). I was happy with the night we had. He was kissing me lots and saying “I DEFINITELY wanna see you again, I mean it, make sure you let me know you got back ok etc”.

I carried on partying with my mates for a bit and then went home.

James had text as he had got in saying he loved tonight and put 6 kisses on the text 🙂

I was excited about this one.

Smug even.

The next morning I woke up about 9am and was a bit disappointed to not have any texts off of him. Like a paranoid twat, I went onto Tinder and saw that James had been “active” 20 minutes ago. My stomach dropped but i refused to think the worst.

An hour and a half later he text to say he had just got up. Now even though I knew it was a blatant lie, I didn’t want a friction after such a good date. So I asked if he really did have a good time last night…

 

NO REPLY

after 3 hours I was completely feeling sick, so I sent him a further text just saying “you sure know how to make a girl feel paranoid!”

About an hour later my phone rang. James. My heart flipped and I answered and he immediately launched into an explanation of how he’d accidentally disabled his iPhone and it had just unlocked. I was so relieved! I told him that it was very sweet of him to ring and admitted that I was having post date horrors. He laughed and took the piss and said he”d text later.

Proper relived and glad he called 😉

He text me that night (saturday) at 6pm and said he couldnt wait to see me again. I replied saying me too and asking him how his day had been. No reply. I left it at that as I didnt wanna be a nob. At 10pm I text him a lighthearted text saying that he is a lightweight and clearly hungover in bed. No reply again.

 

I went to bed feeling shite.

I woke up early sunday morning and checked Tinder again – The fucking cunt had been online again!!!!

I sent him a message saying that I got the hint and that i’d seen he’d been online and not even bothered to text me.

He text straight back saying “Dont be daft!! You are prob right most of the time but not this time! I’ve just woken up. I really wanna see you gain??? I loved the other night. I am into you ”

I asked if he thought i was stupid and told him at this point I feel like there is something he is not being honest about.

I had a feeling in my gut and my gut is never wrong.

He replied saying he had fallen asleep at 7pm last night and had woken up early and been on tinder to look at my pics again. He then said “I have no idea why you like me, but i do like you”.

I told him to stop being daft and that I think he is gorgeous and that I just dont want to be messed around.

He replied saying “you are georgeous, i’m just a normal bloke. I will not lie to you. I want to see you asap”

He asked when i was free again and I said most nights if I could sort a sitter for the kids. I asked when he was free. He replied “every night”. I then asked him “what about your rugby training?” . He said “oh yeh! I’m useless, prob can’t do Tues night then”

He forgot he has rugby training?? Okay then.

I asked what he was doing with his sunday?

No reply.

3 hours later he sent me a text saying “might of accidentally been to the pub”

I replied joking that he is a lightweight and asked what he was upto.

No reply.

I was sick to fucking death at this point.

4 hours later I sent him a text saying ” I’m getting bored already, cant be doing with these long silences”.

He text straight back saying “dont like long silences do we? Not one bit. You ok? Why do I keep looking at your pics? xxx”

 

ERM I DON’T FUCKING KNOW WHY YOU ARE LOOKING AT MY PICS JAMES WHEN YOU COULD BE TEXTING ME INSTEAD?????

i asked him straight “why do you not reply when I text?”

– a legit question considering during the run up to the date he was replying and striking up convo’s with me constantly.

he replied…

“I havent told uyou but my mum is in hospital at the moment. Cancer and really ill. I’ve been to see her and left my phone in the car, sorry”

 

WAIT ONE FUCKING MINUTE …. YOUR MUMS DEAD ??? YOU TOLD ME SHE’D PASSED AWAY FRI NIGHT???

I text him saying that but in a nicer way.

NO REPLY.

I was livid. I started shaking. He’s just said a massive lie.

He said his mum had died 2 months ago and that he’d been in the pub all afternoon and now he’s saying shes alive, but ill and he’s not been pub , he’s been to the hospital????

WTF???

i text him again asking for an explanation. Nothing.

I asked him via text if everything was a lie?

No reply.

I tried to call his phone. It went to voicemail after ringing out.

I searched for him on Facebook and found his profile. I looked on his friends list for any family with his surname – NONE. He has a brother and a sister. NOTHING.

I went to bed last night feeling shaken and upset.

Why lie? He has got everything going for him? Was it all a lie? Has he got a personality disorder???

The not knowing meant I had a shit nights sleep.

This morning, I woke up to a text from him saying” Fucking hell, just seen all your texts. Yeah my mum has died. My step mum is ill too. I’m not a liar. If youre not interested thats fine but don’t go mad at me”

I replied: “Youre lying. So your dad got a new partner just a couple of months after losing your mum and now you call her your mum?? Are you even a teacher? Everything you say doesnt add up???”

 

NO REPLY

i text him a few more times asking why he has lied and why isnt he bothered about correcting me if I am wrong?

He replied one last time this morning saying ” I’m not sure how you have made up your mind about me already.All I can tell you is I havent lied and why the fuck would I when I’ve only just met you?

 

I text him asking if his dad had met a new woman then and now she has cancer? I told him I was giving him the opportunity to correct me.

No reply.

I rang the school that he said he worked at posing as a “street dance tutor”. I needed to know if his teaching job was a lie. Luckily the office said they couldn’t transfer me as the system was down and to ring back later. He is a PE teacher. So why lie about the mum?

 

Has he got a girlfriend?

He’s just moved out of the house he had with his ex who he split up with allegedly 18 months ago.

 

He’s not replied and i’ve sent him a message saying i’m deleting his number and how gutted I am that he didnt even offer me an explanation.. He hasnt replied to that either.

 

I’m beyond gutter. And totally baffled.

Pics below of me and him on our first and last date 😦

 

Any opinions appreciated

 

Jem xx

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No spark, No cigar!

Published September 6, 2013 by jjjemma

Ola!

Long time no speak!

I kinda thought that i’d try keeping my private life…. private.

I succeeded. For a little while :0

 

So as a few of you know, I found a good ‘un off POF.

This guy, I’ll call him Big G, was a good catch.

 

He was 26 (2 years younger than me), no kids, good job, own place and car.

He was into football played it – and watching it.

 

So Big G (this was my nickname for him, as his name begins with “g” and I was just being daft one evening).

 

Big G and I spoke very briefly through POF before he asked for my number and got straight onto asking and arranging a date with myself. I liked this. No messing around at all.

 

He wasn’t in my face texting all day, he would text good morning and then we’d usually text evening time.

 

The day of our date, i had no “good morning” text.

I stayed pretty cool. My mate came over to babysit and asked if he’d been in touch. I said “NO”.

 

I wasn’t too pissed off and i was quite chilled and not bothered by it all.

So many blokes have fucked me about that i think i have built a pretty tough wall around myself now. 

 

I was running late, said bye to my mate and off i went.

 

Arrived, 20 minutes late! He had a wine waiting for me andddddd GORGEOUS!!!!

 

YAY!

 

He pulled out a chair for me to sit! – Noone has EVER done that.

we had a good laugh, easy chat. When we was leaving he walked me to my car and put the moves straight on me!!!!

Snog, snog , snog!!!

 

My legs were like jelly man! I got in my car and had to wind the window down to ask him how to get out the carpark (cringer!!!). He told me and then leant in and kissed me again.

 

I virtually skipped home and told my mate all about it!!!

 

The next day he friend requested me on Facebook and text mornings and evenings.

 

We arranged the second date for the following week. He asked me and we decided on bowling. I offered to pick him up as he lives near the bowling alleys andthen he could have a drink. 

 

We spoke every day again, and yet again, on the date of the date he went all silent.

I again stayed very chilled and eventually he texted his address and i went to pick him up.

 

The second date was really fun. He payed for bowling and kicked my ass at it. We had a laugh. I nearly killed him via an air hockey disk… it was all gravy.

 

He invited me in his house when i dropped him off. I went in and he made me a tea – I like that he did that. He gave me the tour of his house – it was lovely.

we sat chilling on his sofa till gone midnight and then i had to go as I had the kids to get up for. Again we had a little kiss and off I went.

 

At the weekend, it was bank holiday. Both of us by chance were out with our mates on the piss. He text me and came to meet me with his mates. Awesome i thought!!!

Drunk “big g” and me would have a right laugh. 

No.

he came an found me, he awkward. No kiss, no offer to get me a drink, no banter – TOTALLY DIFFERENT PERSON AROUND HIS MATES. Then, he just fumed off to the other side of the bar with his mates, so me and my mates left.

 

I wasn’t too pissed off as I was having a laugh with my mates. I text him the name of the bar we were headed too but never got a reply.

 

Around 1 am I had a text off Big G, saying he’d taken his drunk mate home.  Then, offering me to go back to his!

 

I was having a mint time with my girls , plus I was child free for the night… No way was I gonna cut my night short for anyone.

I told him that I would probably go his later as I was having a good time.

 

He then said not to.

 

But by the time i’d read that it was 3am, I was smacked off my face on jagerbombs and in a taxi en route to his 🙂

 

I banged on his door, armed with a massive bag of crisps from the garage. He answered, half asleep and in nothing but a pair of shorts. I was in no fit state. He made me a cup and then I asked for a tshirt to go kip in. He gave me a t shirt and then we went to bed. I must of slipped into a coma at that point as i woke up at 5 am, mouth dryer than ghandi’s flip flop and sweating buckets . The alcohol sweats! He had his arm clamped around me and was snoring PURE loud.

 

I dozed in and out of sleep. To be honest, its been years since vie been in bed with anyone with their arms around me so it felt kind of weird and i wasn’t comfortable. I also stared t his snoring carcass and decided I didn’t really fancy him. 

 

In the morning I acted really hungover to keep him at arms length. 

 

He dropped me home.

 

I wasn’t going to see him again, but slowly I thought and thought about it and decided to see him one more time. I felt like maybe  I was being too picky and at the end of the day – WHO AM I TO BE PICKY?????!!!

 

So, we had a few texts and bait of banter but at this point i’d really gone off him and i think he picked up on it as he didn’t text that much either but he kept asking to see me again.

 

My friend was up from down south with his gf and i’d not seen him for over 10 years. We arranged to meet for drinks and I offered Big G  to come along too.

 

To my surprise Big G agreed. I tried to include him in the convos between me and my old mate but to be fair it was just bait awk.

 

 

By this point i’d completely gone off Big G and in the carpark gave him a quick cuddle and a peck and drove off.

 

Big G is still oblivious to this, so I tried to let him know by texting him telling him that i really didn’t feel a spark and that i am sad as he ticks the boxes. 

 

Big G had a Facebook status meltdown “gutted” and ranted via text. Eventually i agreed to just keep seeing him to see if anything developed. We arranged dinner for tonight.

 

Yesterday, Big G basically “liked” everything I wrote / commented or uploaded on Facebook – even to the point of liking my mates replies to me!

 

He then whatsapped me a pic of himself, topless, with his tits out, and his stubble shaved into a fucking goatee!!!!! With the caption ” do you like my goatee?”

 

NO I FUCKING DONT AND WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU TOPLESS?????

 

That was one step too far. I text him and said I cannot see him again and that I am really sorry etc.

 

He replied “no probs”

 

i left it

 

Then, 2 mins later he said ” to be honest i don’t know if i even want a gf as i like playing football, going work and going to the gym”.

 

I know at this point that he was just saving face, so i went along with it and replied:

“yeh i get that vibe off you too and i think i realised you weren’t bothered too much too”:

 

he replied ” Id like to keep seeing you to see if anything became of it. be happy”

 

I ignored.

 

He tried to ring.

 

I ignored.

 

He tried again.

 

I ignored.

 

He then text asking me to ring him.

 

I ignored.

 

He text again saying he’s not a weirdo and wont keep bothering me. But, if i ever want a chat to call him.

 

 

I FEEL REALLY BAD.

I just couldn’t bring myself to keep seeing someone without a spark. Was I wrong??

The other woman

Published June 13, 2013 by jjjemma

I met “a” through work. He was 19 and a supervisor for a company I was manager for when I was 20.
He was from Leeds and I was from Leicester.
We flirted outrageously at regional meetings and eventually we added on Facebook.

We would email and flirt and sexy regularly.

He was fit.

It all changed when he married his uni sweetheart.
I felt differently and we kept our distance. I didn’t want to be the other woman in any way shape or form.

We had no feeling for each other , other than lust.

No matters of the heart were ever discussed.

We’d email weekly, bantering each other.
On iPhones the signature at the bottom of emails is “sent from (insert name here) iPhone”

“A” and myself used to edit these to amuse ourselves…
“Sent from my hairy ball sacks”
“Sent from my wide set vagina”
“Sent from my sweaty crack”

Etc 😂😂😂

My sons dad discovered our emails and set up a very similar email name to “a’s” and tried to trick me – I soon knew it wasn’t actual “a” when I started receiving emails telling me he loved me.
In the end I cut all contact with “a” to prove to my kids dad (and I use the term “dad” very fucking loosely!) that I did love him and wanted our relationship to work.

4 years later, boom!
I received a message on Facebook from “A”, asking how I’d been! We both now had 2 kids each, he’s relocated to Africa with his wife and I updated him on me!

We had a few flirty words of admiration for each other – but nothing crossing the line.

He tried to cross it asking for pics. I didn’t send him hat he wanted. I’m wiser now. I wouldn’t wanna hurt another woman.
I kept forcing the convo onto normal stuff. So I sent pics of my hair when I had it short etc. nothing rude.

He told me him and wifey wasn’t having sex and that marriage was virtually over. I suggested counselling to him (it sounds like she had post natal depression). He told me of their plans to engage in a 3-sum which I strongly advised against.

Anyway, the last 2 weeks he has been pelting my inbox with dirty messages. I’ve been blanking them as I don’t want to encourage that sort of communication now I am older and wiser.

So imagine my surprise when earlier in the week I receive a msg from his wife (via his now deleted Facebook page) – telling me to stay away and that “A” is being dealt with….

And!

That I should concentrate on my kids.

She clearly hasn’t seen thy he was the one attempting to lure me into sexy talks!
It’s been playing on my mind so I found her on Facebook and sent her this …(pic below)

Lesson learnt… I won’t speak to him again, and will keep married men at arms length.

Men think with their small head not the intelligent ones
Peace and love ,
Jem x

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Not again!!!

Published April 19, 2013 by jjjemma

Well. Ain’t life a biatch.

It happened again.

My lovely lovely date – I’m just gonna call him the acronym “dilf” as he actually was the epitome of it!

I say “was” 😤…

So after the first date , me and dilf text often, whatsapp’d etc. it was his brothers wedding last weekend so I have him space and didnt expect a second date until this week. I actually helped him with some of his best man speech – ‘cos I’m like totes funny aren’t I? Anyways!!!
There was a definitive chemistry and I suggested date 2 as bowling. I offered to book but he took over and booked it. He arranged to pick me up too. Which I liked. I can’t be doing with dithering men.
On the way over to mine his phone (which was his sat nav) died so he called me off his work number and I directed him to mine. He was flapping quite abit and I liked that as it meant that he liked me and wanted to make a good impression. 👍

My mate Laura babysat and me and dilf and myself went bowling. We had a laugh. I threw a ball down his lane whilst he wasn’t looking. We had good banter. We sat for ages afterwards having a drink and chatting and even played the “terminator” shooting game. Quality date. For me – he still ticked all the right boxes. He dropped me home we sat in his car for an hour chatting. We spoke about his (ex) wife and he said he had the house they shared and she’d moved 10 mins away with the kids. He said she was very selfish and that she always moaned and never cleaned the house – and that when he found her sexting someone ekse that was the final straw. I then asked why he had his kids so much (he has them more than half the time). He replied “because i want them”. Fair enough. On delving alittle more he said that she tried to limit his time woth them but he threatened to “ruin” her in court. Hmmm. ✋
It didn’t put me off. I thought he just loved his kids so much – i mean, the eldest isn’t even his, yet he has took her on and even pays maintenance for her. We even had a little kiss. Perfecto! 😘

On the date I’d joked that I sent a standard “bog off” text to previous dates saying “thanks for a lovely date but I just didn’t feel we have a connection. It’s not you it’s me” so when I got in I sent him that- AS A JOKE.
I immediately followed it up with “haha not really I had a great time – dont leave it so long next time xx”
No reply.

The next morning he was back texting again and moaning at how tired he was.

He was abit strange.

He then started saying things like “I want you x” followed by “I’ve just had a wank” – WHO SAYS THAT????!!! 😳
He then asked “what do you want?”
I had a panic- but was truthful. I replied “I eventually want to settle down, but first and foremost I want someone I click with and can have a laugh with”

No reply.

So I sent another saying “what do you want?”

It had to be discussed now he’d opened the can of worms.

His reply “fuck buddy?”

Wtf!!!
I got mad! I replied ” so why did you close your Pof and say you wanted to see what happened with me??? Was you just seeing if you could shag me??”

He replied “are you joking?”

I replied “are you?!!!!”

I was livid!!! Played much?!!!!👊👊👊😓

He then replied “no”

And then told me he’d been winding me up as payback for my joke text dumping him the previous night!!!

Hahahaha!!! I was soooo relieved!!!

Good banter ya see ?!!!! 💘

He was abit quiet and went bed early on Tuesday cos he’d been out late with me Monday and up early for his job Tuesday. We’d arranged for him to come round mine this evening so I was happy happy.

Wednesday came. Nothing.
I had a massive hair show to prepare for and was going to be on the go all day. Thought the day I checked my phone. I was thinking of him all day. Even though I was busy. Whilst the catwalk was on I text him trying to keep it lighthearted saying “are you bored of me already?”

He replied an hour later saying “sorry baby I’ve been in training all day and on a works dinner thing now xx”

So I just replied “ok have fun! The show went well – I smashed itxx”

He didn’t even bother to ask me about the show. I clearly hadn’t been on his mind like he had been on mine. 😓.

Thursday morning, I got a text saying “I’m a bit shot really aren’t I? X”
I replied “yes but I don’t understand why though”

He then went on to say how he enjoyed spending time with me but he didn’t think he could give me what I needed. Then started saying how lovely I am blah blah blah.

Basically I had been friend zoned. A – fucking – gain!!!

I kept my cool and just wished him well. I was still confused though as I’d done nothing wrong. I’d not bombarded him with texts.

Last night , I went into his Facebook. I’ve checked it out before. We aren’t friends. But when I checked it a few days ago he was still friends with his ex wife which I found abit weird. I didn’t even say anything when he said she was going to be going to his brothers wedding as she was taking the kids.

Well, had a look and fuck me, his mrs ain’t on there anymore. Is that coincidence?

She’s still on Facebook , just they aren’t Facebook friends anymore.
Obviously I can’t let him know I’ve done a stalking sesh on his Facebook. But still – weird no???

Also – another coincidence maybe but the last few evenings I’d text him and imessege hadn’t gone through so it got sent via text instead… This only happened the last two evenings around the same time…. Another coincidence?

So today I text and demanded some clarification.

I sent:
Did something happen yesterday ? I am confused as today you’ve done a full u-turn?
I’ve had a good couple of dates with you so it’s come as a bit of a surprise to me? X

No reply. So I sent it to his work phone too. Fuck it .

He replied saying:
Oh my god my other phone has broken which is why i didn’t reply! I am not seeing my ex nor anyone else. I just feel that you are looking for someone who can devote more time to building a relationship with you than i can at the moment. I know you think i’m a prick but i would rather be honest with you than string you along and let you down x

I then explained that I don’t need anyone who can give me all their time as I have my kids , friends, family, college and my own business to run.

He kept saying things like “that’s what makes you so attractive to me” “I’m sorry it really isn’t you”

Anyway. I got abit pissy with him and put:Well I suggest you don’t go telling people you’re looking for a relationship then. ‘Cos you’ll end up hurting people. I really thought I’d found a diamond out of that piece of shit dating site.
I cried yesterday- because I was convinced it was me. I never cry. I’m not an emotionally loose person.

This is how girls turn into bitches- from lads pissing them about.

You were full on at first and then it’s like you just got bored of me.

But don’t worry I know it is your loss. It’s just a shame I had my hopes raised by someone who actually liked me for me.

He replied:
I really do like you for you and it kills me to know you were upset 😦 x

And then he wished me luck!

So – what do we think had occurred???
Was it me???
Someone out me out of my fucking misery
Please

Best first date ever

Published April 5, 2013 by jjjemma

So last night I went on a first date with a newbie on Pof.
I was his first date ever.
Let me explain…
He was married. Still is but separated. 2 kids, one biologically his, the other he took on. I’ve broken every single one of my self imposed rules. But – I had a feeling and I went with it. And man I am glad I did!!! BEST DATE EVER.

He isn’t from round my way. He’s a good hour drive away. Excellent job, banter and HAWT!

We met at an Indian restaurant and from the second we met we clicked! Like. Actually clicked!!!!!

He’s tall, blonde and has gorgeous dimples. Good fashion sense and a proper gent! He’s abit posh too! But he liked my “northern” twang. We chatted easily. No awk silences and best of all was on a level!

Loads of laughs. He said he liked that I didn’t pretend to be anything other than myself. And he complimented me!

We ate our dinner and shared our food. We took the piss out of each other. He paid the bill without hesitation. He sounds like an amazing dad and clearly has ALOT of love for his babies. Which I found very endearing.

He broke up with his wife 6 months ago- she was texting someone else. But he admitted things weren’t right for ages before and even said he regrets marrying her. I’m pretty sure their will be no reconciliation.

At one point we were talking about the Internet and he said he had twitter and I said I had it too (we didn’t exchange twitter @) – he asked how you get so many followers. To which my tipsy brain ALMOST wanted to spill about the blog.

What a dick I am!!! I almost ruined it!!! I just blagged about hashtags and hopefully that was believable.

It’s not that I am ashamed of this blog- I’m proud of it. I just want him to get to know me before reading my life history and making judgement.

We had so much of a laugh I thought I might of done the whole “friend zone” thing again and told him so. He told me no, he finds me attractive etc!

So we went on for a drink afterwards at a bar. We ended up having a “thumb war” – instigated by myself and he won!

He offered me a lift home – even though it was out of his way and he had work very early the next day.

He drives a gorge BMW. He drove me to my house and I said goodnight and thanked him for a lovely evening. I gave him a quick peck and undid my seatbelt. He pulled me towards him for a better kiss.
Fuck. Butterflies much!

I don’t know if he felt the same but I was almost skipping to my front door!!!

He text me to say he had a quality night and that he could still taste me (my strawberry lipgloss)
HOW HOT IS THAT!!!

And today we have maintained communication :)))
So … I’m pleased.

He admits that him and the ex argue ALOT, so I hope that doesn’t cause issues.

But all in all I’m excited about this one!

I’ll keep you posted!!!
Jem xx

1 year old

Published March 24, 2013 by jjjemma

My baby would of been 1 today.
My baby that I aborted.
My baby that I never got
To hold.
Or feel move inside me.
My baby that I wanted to keep , yet at the same time knew I’d die if I kept.

My boys dad had just met a new girlfriend.
He rubbed his happiness in my face – whilst I struggled being a single Mum to his boys that he abandoned and didn’t see / pay for.

I was completely devestated. I met a guy. A guy off POF.
His name was Vern – he had a dog and a good job.
I like dogs and he seemed nice.
So I arranged a date with him. He said he’d pick me up and I offered for his dog to stay in my house whilst we went out as I felt bad thy the dog would be locked in his van (his housemates would t let him leave dog at home).
He came over, dropped dog off and we went for our date. He was easy to talk to and quite funny. We did shots and were having a quality night.
Anyway we went back to mine – I’d long forgotten about the kids dad upsetting me. I definately didn’t wanna sleep with Vern. I just wanted him to sleep on the sofa at worst!
So he went toilet and he was upstairs AGES so I staggered upstairs to investigate.
He was on my bed in his pants. I laughed as I was abit confused and slightly scared too.

He got up and kissed me and pushed me onto the bed and I remember saying “NO”.
I kept saying “No” as he took my clothes off but it’s like my arms were jelly.

He didnt stop.

And I fell asleep as we were having sex.

Now I’m not saying I was raped as it wasn’t violent. I’m not sure if he drugged me – I wouldn’t like to say as it sounds so “samey” to other people’s stories.

All I remember is the next day waking up naked and him trying to have sex with me again but I got straight up and said no and got showered and dressed and told him to leave.

I felt dirty and cried whilst scrubbing myself in the shower.

I headed straight to the pharmacy and got the morning after pilI and went to pick up my boys.

I text him a few days later saying I didn’t want to see him again and that I don’t usually sleep with guys on first dates! I was mortified. He’d left some stuff at mine – spare shoes and a jacket so I bagged them up and sent them to him.

The next month my friend was on about her period and then it got me that I’d missed mine.
I went and got a test but actually wasn’t concerned as I’d taken the morning after pill within 12 hours of it happening.

I peed on the stick – pregnant.

I came out in a cold sweat.

I had noone I could tell.

I went doctors and told them
I didn’t want to keep it. I had to wait weeks for a referral to the family planning clinic and then weeks more for a scan. I was 9 weeks pregnant. I decided to go for a surgical termination as I didn’t want to “feel” the cramping and physically sense my baby / foetus / embryo passing.

I was a mess.

I wanted to keep my baby. But I knew I wouldn’t cope. I already had a 4 year old and a 13 month old from my mental ex.

Financially I couldn’t afford it- I was due to start college in a few months and was on income support.

I didn’t wanna be a single mum of 3 kids with two mental baby daddies.

Physically the doctors told me I would be putting my life in danger if I chose to have anymore kids , after two very complicated births with my two boys. I had complications during both labours and lost over 1 litre of blood both times due to internal bleeds.

I text Vern to tell him I was pregnant and told him I wanted to terminate. He called me a liar and said the baby (if it existed!) could be any bodies. He was vile. I knew he’d be a shit dad. Turned out that Vern wasn’t even his real name too! And he lived in a caravan with his fucking massive dog.

What a mess.

Why me?

It was all my fault .

How much bad luck can one girl get? Seriously!!!!

Once I was booked in for my termination , I knew I’d have to tell my mum as I needed her to come stay at my house for 24 hours after the operation as it was a general anaesthetic .

I broke down. She broke down. Our hearts broke. But we both knew it was for the best.

I’d not intended to sleep with Vern.
I’d said no.
I’d got the morning after pill.
I was just extremely unlucky.

I thought about having the baby and giving it to a couple who desperately wanted a baby. But how could I go through a pregnancy and then hand over a baby – a baby is bonded with – my boys sibling- to a stranger?
I couldn’t. I wouldn’t.
I’d sooner die.

And that’s what almost happened.

I waited all day on a day ward – watching girls be wheeled in for their terminations.
I was last in.
I was the only one who was alone – my mum had my kids.
I was shaking as I was injected and fell to sleep.

I woke up feeling ok. I felt relieved. I felt empty.
I sat in my hospital bed with a massive sanitary towel on to soak up the blood loss.
I sat glaring at nothing.
I have never felt so alone as I did that afternoon.
Everyone was being discharged. The nurse came over to check my pad for blood loss. She lifted my limp body and rang for help. I’d had a massive bleed. I felt faint. I couldn’t go home to my kids and needed to be admitted.

I was shaking and sobbing. Blood was running down my legs. Hadn’t I been through enough? Was this punishment?

I was seen by a consultant and sent for a scan the next day – it was confirmed.
My abortion was INCOMPLETE.

Tissue from my baby hadn’t been removed. I was being poisoned from within. i was put on a drip and given meds.
I remember asking if my baby was still alive. They said definitely not.

I don’t know if I was relieved or heartbroken. I loved that baby even though it wasn’t medically a baby.

The doctors told me I’d have to have a medical abortion to remove the debris. A pessary was put inside me and I had more cramping and bleeding. I was sent for another scan. Tissue still remained.
I was on the borderline – and they decided to release me but I had to go for scans every month to monitor the amount left in.
After 6 months my body had naturally dispelled it.

It’s something I’ve came to terms with.
It wasn’t easy.
It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.
I had to sacrifice my unborn baby for my own mental health and so my kids I already had could have a better quality of life – the doctors believed I’d become clinically depressed if I continued with the pregnancy.

My family all know of the abortion now and noone judged me. They know I did it for the greater good. They know it wasn’t easy.

I haven’t had sex with any strangers since. Almost 2 years on.

My baby would of been 1 today.
It really hurts to think of it.
I try not to think of it anymore.

I went onto college and now have
My own business. My sons father doesn’t see or pay for the kids. He’s now on drugs.

I’m waiting for the right man to come along – which is why my legs are firmly closed for now.

I’ve not wrote this blog post for pro life dicks to abuse me.
I’m pro choice.
I didn’t use abortion as a method of contraception
– contraception failed me. Should I of had the baby just because the contraception failed to work?
No.

Have I learned my lesson? Yes.
I’m not proud of myself.
But people need to know that having an abortion is not a walk in the park.

This is not a sob story.
This is my story and I thought I would share it.
Jem xx