so, I haven’t blogged in forever. I’ve been having a blogging break… Its done me good and I have been able to date and not over analyse things, which has been brilliant.
I have a few new updates but I will begin with my latest dating mishap. It may be a long post , so grab a cuppa and get yourself comfortable.
I briefly wrote about this man last year – he was a lad that used to come into a cob shop that I worked in when i was 16/17 years old. I always thought he was really cute looking but extremely shy. I left the cob shop after about a year and never saw him again. For the benefit of the blog I shall name him cob shop boy.
Fast forward to August of last year. We matched on Tinder. I recognised him, we added each other on facebook and exchanged numbers. We went on a casual date at a local pub and had a kiss in the car park. he then came round my house a few times for a coffee and a chat. I had been dicked around alot last year by internet men, so I was little withdrawn and not really open to the possibility of letting another man in. We didn’t sleep together or anything, but he did meet my kids (as a friend) and I did really like him. Unfortunately, a few weeks into it all, he went silent! I asked him what was wrong via text and he said that he didn’t feel a spark with me. I felt let down and deflated but cest la vie! I got over it and got back on the dating horse. A month later, cob shop boy was in a relationship on Facebook with a brunette. I felt angry and played but I never said anything as I felt it was pointless. I resigned myself to the fact that he was probably multiple dating and I wasn’t the chosen one as i didn’t have sex with him fast enough or whatever.
Zoom forward to Febuary this year. I received a text from cob shop boy asking how I was and asking about who had inked my tattoo. I replied and gave him the info he wanted and we exchanged a few more friendly texts. It was nice, I smiled. I remembered he had a girlfriend so it was all just friendly stuff.
Later that day, out of the blue, he rang me. My phone was ringing and his name was flashing up. I wondered whether I should answer, but to be honest, curiosity got the better of me. I answered. We chatted for ages and it was like last years bitterness hadn’t even happened. He joked that he had booked his new tattoo in and asked if i would go along to hold his hand. I replied saying that i would go along but to take pictures and film his crying pained face.
I decided to mention the girlfriend – to which he replied that he had broken up with her ages ago. When i inquired why, he said it was because she was always skint. Which I kind of thought was abit of a weird reason to be honest. If you love someone then why would you be bothered by money? She was also a single mum. It all kind of fell into place though – as he had started to “like” some of my posts on Facebook in recent weeks, after months of nothingness. I asked why he sacked me off last time and he said that it wasn’t because we didn’t have a spark it was because i was unresponsive to kisses etc… he called me a statue! we were taking the piss out of each other and being daft and he said he thought i was sexy and didn’t understand why i didn’t feel it! We eventually rang off the call and i had that strange excited feeling. I was beaming. I didn’t hear from him again.
That saturday night, i went out and had a few wines, I had been thinking of cob shop boy all week. I really found him attractive and I enjoyed the way that conversation flowed easily. I got brave and sent him a text. the conversation went something like this:
me: I may have had a few wines and be abit tipsy, but i’ve been thinking, do you wanna start again?
He replied straight away!!!!
him: i don’t see why not 🙂 where has this came from?
me: I was just thinking about you since our phone call in the week, why was you not thinking the same?
him: I was, but I just thought that ship had sailed
Anyway, i fell into a drunk coma and in the morning woke up to a text from him asking how my head was. I woke up and remembered the text exchange from the night before. I replied saying i was alright and that what i said still stood. My phone began to ring, it was him!!!! FUCK!
I picked up and we was chatting away. We spoke about our plans for the day and I told him I was getting dressed so that I could go and collect my boys from my mums. We hung off the call and i was grinning like a cheshire cat, dancing around my room like I was in some sort of Katy Perry pop music video!
5 minutes later he called again! Mr Keen!!!
He asked what time was I picking the kids up, I said whenever I wanted. He said, “okay well i’m on my way round, put the kettle on”
FARKKKK! So, within minutes he was at my house, we had a coffee and sat and joked. Conversation was always easy and he seemed to like my quirky sense of humour. He got me, and I liked that. Being accepted for who you are and actually liked for it, is a rarity in the dating world. As he was leaving, he picked me up. I put my legs around him and we shared an extremely hot kiss. The kind of kiss that leaves you breathless. 10 minutes after he had left i received a text from cob shop boy and it read:
“Now THATS how you kiss me from now on!!!xxx”
From that day forward, it was ON! He was texting and ringing me all the time, several calls a day sometimes. He came round mine a few times a week and we sat, watched tv, cuddled up and kissing. I didn’t wanna have sex with him until I had the house to myself. I made that clear from the off. The first time I sleep with someone, I want to feel completely at ease… not half listening out in case one of my kids wakes up!
We spoke about anything and everything. He told me his last girlfriend had told him that he doesn’t open up to people and told me about how he had been cheated on. He spoke about his son, who is 4 and who he is a fantastic father to. I found that super attractive! I really loved the idea that we had met over 13 years ago too. It was like fate was giving us a helping hand. I felt like he had opened up to me quite abit. He said he was ready to meet someone now, he is 31 and his friends are all settled. We seemed to be on the same path. he was self employed as am I. It all clicked, for me anyway.
I was out with friends watching “the full monty” at the theatre and we were sending each other semi-cryptic messges about not seeing other people. I told him to delete his dating apps as I liked him. He said he liked me too. He told me i was hot. It felt so amazing to have someone like me back.
There was a couple of days where he was quiet which I found hard to deal with as when he was on form, he was proper attentive and made me feel very wanted. When he went quiet I felt panicked. I was always trying to bury that feeling that he would go quiet and decide that he didnt want me again, like last year.
On the day of his tattoo, I arranged to go along and met him there. Whilst he was being inked, the tattooist asked if we was together. I jumped in with a jokey “no, but he wants to be” comment. I then just said we was seeing each other. The tattooist asked if we had “bumped uglys” yet and again I said “no, cos I’m frigid” jokingly. It was all very light hearted, and after his tattoo, cob shop boy came round mine and said that I had took his mind off the pain. I put a picture on Facebook and tagged him in it. It was of him looking in agony, being tattooed 🙂
Cob shop boy left the tag up there and mutual friends were liking and commenting, ripping him to shreds. It was all highly amusing.
Later that week i was at Mcdonalds getting a breakfast, he said he was starving. He was only working down the road, so I asked if he wanted me to take him breakfast… he said yes please and so I drove to his work and took him a Maccys. It was all so easy, nothing was too much trouble. I was fully putting myself out there. I don’t usually go full steam ahead with things!
It was his birthday the weekend before last and he was going on a night out with his friends. He asked me if I would trim his beard. I had never trimmed a beard in my life so i spent the night before, researching methods and tip and tricks online. I wanted to do a good job. He also messaged to say he’d bring his little boy around with him on the saturday if that was ok with me. I’d not met his little boy last time around so I saw this as a step in the right direction. I was thrilled.
We were constantly texting , he was always saying nice things to me. I felt really happy. He even made long term references, like when I said summer was peak season for my work – he commented saying he would ensure dinner was on the table for me when i got in.
So on the saturday morning, weekend before last. He came over with his little adorable boy! I trimmed cob shop boys beard and he was really happy with it. when we spoke to each other we were always smiling. As he left I gave him his birthday gift – a topman t shirt and a birthday card that said “you’re a twat, but I like you” on the front of it. 🙂
I informed him not to open it until his birthday which was the next day.
He looked genuinely shocked and touched that i’d got him something. It was a nice feeling to surprise someone.
He went on his birthday night out. I didn’t hear off him at all, which is fine. I dont expect people to be constantly checking in with me. The next day, he text to say thankyou for the tshirt and card and that he loved them. He was in a bad state with his hangover so i didn’t hear from him again. Then last monday he said he was on day 2 of the hangover so I heard very little again. This did affect my mood as I was so used to hearing from him. I felt abit panicky and asked if he was seeing anyone else. He said no and it was just the hangover making him feel shit.
Wednesday of last week he was back to normal, texting and ringing. He came round to my house whilst the kids were still up and bought us all cake! he sat and played on the floor with Alfie which was nice and we all ended up having a big play fight that gave me bellyache from laughing.
I asked when he was free so we could actually go out and do a date night. he said he was busy next week and last weekend i was on a hen night in leeds. I asked when we actually gonna do it. I wanted him to myself. I wanted to sleep with this man because not only did I really fancy him, I really liked him too. He just replied saying “ASAP, we’ll sit down and sort it”. I left it at that as I dont really feel like I should be begging for a guy to take me out – he should of wanted to>
Thursday evening, he came round in the evening and we kept messing around play fighting and tickling each other. Just acting like complete retards. I really felt at ease with him and he said he did with me too. Mid play fight we got pretty steamy kissing on the rug. It all felt very natural and lovely. In the end I had to get up as I knew where it would lead to. He was clearly *ahem* excited and I was glad! least I knew he fancied me!
We had some more kisses and he left.
Friday he rang me and we was chatting for around 20 minutes.
Saturday , I went on an all day/ nighter in Leeds. Hen party. I text him a few times in the day but he wasn’t really replying much. That gave me abit of anxiety, but i was having so much fun with the girls that it wasn’t an issue. I got ready for the night out at the hotel and sent a pic of myself asking “will i do?”
He replied “fit!”
Off I went out, can i just say… Leeds men… Amazing!!! All sooo smart and so gorgeous! The amount of times i had a man open the door for me or come upto me to tell me i am beautiful…. I lost count of. Cob shop boy was texting lots at this point . I didn’t feel the need for a cheeky snog with anyone as I was secure that things were heading in the right direction with him. I asked if he was gonna come and look after my sorry hungover ass the next day, he said he would.
Of course, when i steaming drunk, I text cob shop boys a few incoherent messages, but nothing bad, just funny! The next day, yesterday, I apologised for the drunk texts and he said that they were funny. I tried to ring him but he didnt pick up.
At 6pm ish, he sent a message asking about my hangover, i said i felt ill and he joked that I needed a stair lift. I assumed he was still coming over so went and put abit of makeup on, matching undies (just in case) and sat and waited.
At 9.20pm, I sent him a casual text just saying ” i just remembered you said you was gonna come and look after me! leaving me to fend for myself, bad skills xxx”
He replied saying;
“oh shit yeah! My bad , I was lost in internet shopping whilst starfishing”
I replied saying glad to know i’m on your mind and joking along. He stopped replying.
I know I had a hangover but in my gut I knew something had changed.
So i sent him what I was thinking:
Me: are you bored of me?you give nothing away… am I wasting my time? xxx
Him:Course i’m not bored of you babe, you are awesome, you are funny, we get on so well.im just not sure whether its just friends i’m feeling. Don’t take the piss on this whole “no spark” thing again lol. But you just know when you know? xxx
SHUT THE FRONT FUCKING DOOR.
my gut hit the floor. I knew it.
I replied: are you for real??? what the actual fuck?Cant believe this. again. And you didn’t have the balls to tell me.
me, again: So what is it? you dont fancy me?I’m not girlfriend material? Wowzers! Did not expect that. again 😦
Him: I dont know jem, im just not feeling it. I’ve been thinking about it and its not the getting on part at all as we both know we do! You are great but I think we are just like mates. I’m sorry but I wouldnt carry it on just to hurt you x
Me (angry): Thats bullshit! You don’t get a hard on around your mates. Too late! you’ve already hurt me! Cheers!
Him: I’m sorry that wasn’t my intention.
I started to cry.
I sent him a last text saying I think he’s messed up. He does fancy me cos he said I was hot – basically reminding him of everything in this blog post. I told him he had made me cry and admitted that I was gutted and couldn’t believe he was binning me off and I’d have to go back out into the dating world and date half a million nobs until I find someone half decent who might actually like me back.
He didn’t respond.
I havent heard anything since.
I just sat, last night , crying at my stupidity. i gave him another chance, after last year. I had to drag it all out of him. The excuse doesn’t make sense to me at all. Was he multiple dating again? Was it because I didn’t put out? Is it me? Should I have held back? Calmed down my personality abit? Maybe he didn’t fancy me? Its not as if he would admit that i’m not his type or whatever.
I’m so confused.
I woke up this morning and I instantly remembered the night before. It was as if a dark cloud surrounded me. I feel like shit. Why didn’t he tell me this before I went out in Leeds? Why did I have to drag it out of him? How can people completely shut good people out of there lives?
I feel like a complete idiot. So now I have to go around and tell the people in my close circle that yeah, that guy I was seeing, sacked me off.
If guys actually gave proper feedback when they kick you to the curb, then maybe us women, could use that to grow.
“i’m just not feeling it” – what does that even mean~??? Your dick was feeling it when we were rolling round my living room.
I’m not crying today. which is good. I just feel sick, tired and let down.
This is why I don’t let people in, this why I don’t have sex on a first date, this is why I have trust issues.
Let me know what you think.
I wish that I could blog something happy for once.
love and light,