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The Big Lie

Published September 23, 2013 by jjjemma

Ola!

Me again…

I’m sitting here , bewildered. The past week has been a whirlwind.

I focussed my attentions on a new dating website “Tinder”. It is a bit like hot or not… you like or bin the men and if you both “like” each other then a chat option opens up, where you can chat etc.

This is how I came to know James. I’m naming this man as I really don’t know what else to do.

James’ avi was of him in a tight white T-shirt, cap and sunnies on and MASSIVE arms. He messaged me first with the compliment of “I love your tattoo”. We got talking and it was pretty much on from the word go. He was polite, educated, fit and very complimentary of me. He told me he was 26, own place, a PE teacher and played rugby a few times a week. James said he was very new to the whole “tinder” thing. He lived in a nearby village to myself and worked in the same area that I lived. The day after we began talking he asked me out for a drink. I liked that he didn’t wanna chat load before meeting so we exchanged numbers and he promised to buy me half a shandy on Friday night 😉

Wednesday to Friday he was texting and whatsapping me most of the day (even at work – a school). He repeatedly said he was looking forward to our date friday and he told me he admired me for being a strong single mother with my own business. No games. He wouldn’t play the “wait 5 mins and reply” thing.

He went a bit quiet thursday night – but when he finally did text he said he’d been at his mum and dads house – REMEMBER THIS AS ITS KEY!

Friday came and at 5 pm I had to have a lay down as i had a migraine. I text to arrange a later time and he was absolutely lovely about it. I was still very late turning up for my date (by 40 minutes), but he didn’t seem fazed at all. I walked into an upmarket bar in town there stood James at the bar. Great physique , over 6 foot tall, fabulous dress sense and waiting for me with a drink in his hand! BINGO! My nerves disappeared instantly. We went and sat down and chatted away and had a few drinks. During this time I asked him lots about himself as he knew lots about me already from our text conversations. He asked what I wanted to know and i replied “everything”.

He told me that he used to be a builder and his mate was a PE teacher so he retrained via an open university thing and as his mate left the job, he recommended James for the job and he got it. I asked “didn’t you have to do your PCGE thing to teach” and he said no. He doesn’t work in a mainstream school, he works in a school for disruptive kids that get expelled from regular schools. Fair play, I thought.

He then said he’d done some travelling for a year – Vegas, Thailand, Australia etc…In hindsight he said that he wished he had done it in smaller time frames so that he didn’t have to watch his money etc.

He’d been with a girlfriend for 4 years. I asked when they broke up? 18 months ago he said and he’s just sold the house they bought together to pay her off and is using his sum to do up a new house he’s put an offer in for. In the meantime he is staying with his mate. I had no reason to distrust anything he was saying. He was very straight to the point and didn’t use closed body language etc. He seemed really relaxed in my company as was I in his…

I asked about his mum and dad and he said that they lived very near to me. He then cursed and said “I don’t know why i always say mum and dad as my mums gone. She died a few months ago”.

I felt fairly gutted for him at that point. He is 26 and that’s too young to lose your mum. I didn’t pry too much as i obviously didn’t want him to cry on our first date. He said his dad is so lost and that he doesn’t like going round to the house anymore as his dad needs to learn to live without being surrounded by people all of the time.

He asked why i was single – I told him straight “because I am picky”, he laughed and said he best be on top form tonight then. I asked him why he has been single for 18 months – I mean, James is a fit, gorgeous independent man. He’s a catch!!!! I’d go as far to say he is the best looking man who I have ever dated. He told me that most of his pals had started families and were settled so he doesn’t go out often and doesn’t really like to try to “pull” chicks in bars.

Excellent.

He asked if we were gonna get drunk, I told him hell yes! I knew I wouldn’t sleep with him and I know my limitations with booze, but it was Friday night and I had an absolute HUNK on my arm!

We went to a cocktail bar which is my fave place. We had 3 cocktails in there – He payed and whilst at the bar he put his hand on the small of my back protectively as it was rammed with people. I’d had a drink and asked if he minded that I go outside to smoke. I told him I wouldn’t if he didn’t like it. This perfect man I had found on tinder laughed and said he didn’t mind at all and led me to the smoking area. Nothing was an issue for him, he was funny and laid back. His phone kept going off and i jokingly said it was his wife and 10 kids. He laughed and said no it was his mate.Some random man came up to us and started talking to James about Rugby as its fairly obvious from his body and size that he plays, whilst he was being polite and making conversation with the stranger he placed his hand on my arm and smiled. I liked it. I liked him.

It was getting late but neither of us wanted to go home so he suggested another bar and off we went. En route, I heard someone screech “Jemmaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa”. It was 2 of my good friends and party girls – we were all a bit tipsy and I turned to James and said “this was not planned”!!! He smiled and said it was alright and we all went to the next bar together. We got a drink and sat down and my friends joined us and started taking lots of photos of us. At this point myself and James were quite tipsy. We didn’t care. He told me that i was “perfect” and then kissed me so perfectly I actually could have kissed him all night. I’ve never been that instantly attracted to anyone in my whole life.

I went to the ladies and he sat with my mates and when I came back and my mates went off to dance he said he really liked my friends and that they were funny. We were constantly touching hands, and if we wasnt holding hands he was stroking my leg. It all felt very natural and I was really chuffed with myself. We did some shots of jager and took more pictures. We all wanted to go to a club and off we went, myself, James and friends in tow.

We got to the club, James and myself spent some alone time chatting some more, kissing lots and having really good banter. James phone was going off and he kept texting whoever it was back. He told me it was his mate who was also out in town but didn’t want to come to the club.Again, he told me how perfect I was and then he said “I don’t know why you like me, I’m ugly”

 

STOP RIGHT THERE.

James is gorgeous and the opposite of ugly. I found it a bit strange that he didn’t have much confidence. He said his ex had cheated on him and said some pretty nasty stuff and that the comments had stuck. I told him that it’s a load of rubbish and that he is gorgeous.

He has the same music taste as me and even dragged me to the dance floor to dance with me and my mates. More kissing on the dance floor happened.

At about 1.30am , He said that he was going to go as his mate was leaving town soon and he wanted to taxi share with him (the village he lives in would have cost £25+ to get home in a cab alone). I was happy with the night we had. He was kissing me lots and saying “I DEFINITELY wanna see you again, I mean it, make sure you let me know you got back ok etc”.

I carried on partying with my mates for a bit and then went home.

James had text as he had got in saying he loved tonight and put 6 kisses on the text 🙂

I was excited about this one.

Smug even.

The next morning I woke up about 9am and was a bit disappointed to not have any texts off of him. Like a paranoid twat, I went onto Tinder and saw that James had been “active” 20 minutes ago. My stomach dropped but i refused to think the worst.

An hour and a half later he text to say he had just got up. Now even though I knew it was a blatant lie, I didn’t want a friction after such a good date. So I asked if he really did have a good time last night…

 

NO REPLY

after 3 hours I was completely feeling sick, so I sent him a further text just saying “you sure know how to make a girl feel paranoid!”

About an hour later my phone rang. James. My heart flipped and I answered and he immediately launched into an explanation of how he’d accidentally disabled his iPhone and it had just unlocked. I was so relieved! I told him that it was very sweet of him to ring and admitted that I was having post date horrors. He laughed and took the piss and said he”d text later.

Proper relived and glad he called 😉

He text me that night (saturday) at 6pm and said he couldnt wait to see me again. I replied saying me too and asking him how his day had been. No reply. I left it at that as I didnt wanna be a nob. At 10pm I text him a lighthearted text saying that he is a lightweight and clearly hungover in bed. No reply again.

 

I went to bed feeling shite.

I woke up early sunday morning and checked Tinder again – The fucking cunt had been online again!!!!

I sent him a message saying that I got the hint and that i’d seen he’d been online and not even bothered to text me.

He text straight back saying “Dont be daft!! You are prob right most of the time but not this time! I’ve just woken up. I really wanna see you gain??? I loved the other night. I am into you ”

I asked if he thought i was stupid and told him at this point I feel like there is something he is not being honest about.

I had a feeling in my gut and my gut is never wrong.

He replied saying he had fallen asleep at 7pm last night and had woken up early and been on tinder to look at my pics again. He then said “I have no idea why you like me, but i do like you”.

I told him to stop being daft and that I think he is gorgeous and that I just dont want to be messed around.

He replied saying “you are georgeous, i’m just a normal bloke. I will not lie to you. I want to see you asap”

He asked when i was free again and I said most nights if I could sort a sitter for the kids. I asked when he was free. He replied “every night”. I then asked him “what about your rugby training?” . He said “oh yeh! I’m useless, prob can’t do Tues night then”

He forgot he has rugby training?? Okay then.

I asked what he was doing with his sunday?

No reply.

3 hours later he sent me a text saying “might of accidentally been to the pub”

I replied joking that he is a lightweight and asked what he was upto.

No reply.

I was sick to fucking death at this point.

4 hours later I sent him a text saying ” I’m getting bored already, cant be doing with these long silences”.

He text straight back saying “dont like long silences do we? Not one bit. You ok? Why do I keep looking at your pics? xxx”

 

ERM I DON’T FUCKING KNOW WHY YOU ARE LOOKING AT MY PICS JAMES WHEN YOU COULD BE TEXTING ME INSTEAD?????

i asked him straight “why do you not reply when I text?”

– a legit question considering during the run up to the date he was replying and striking up convo’s with me constantly.

he replied…

“I havent told uyou but my mum is in hospital at the moment. Cancer and really ill. I’ve been to see her and left my phone in the car, sorry”

 

WAIT ONE FUCKING MINUTE …. YOUR MUMS DEAD ??? YOU TOLD ME SHE’D PASSED AWAY FRI NIGHT???

I text him saying that but in a nicer way.

NO REPLY.

I was livid. I started shaking. He’s just said a massive lie.

He said his mum had died 2 months ago and that he’d been in the pub all afternoon and now he’s saying shes alive, but ill and he’s not been pub , he’s been to the hospital????

WTF???

i text him again asking for an explanation. Nothing.

I asked him via text if everything was a lie?

No reply.

I tried to call his phone. It went to voicemail after ringing out.

I searched for him on Facebook and found his profile. I looked on his friends list for any family with his surname – NONE. He has a brother and a sister. NOTHING.

I went to bed last night feeling shaken and upset.

Why lie? He has got everything going for him? Was it all a lie? Has he got a personality disorder???

The not knowing meant I had a shit nights sleep.

This morning, I woke up to a text from him saying” Fucking hell, just seen all your texts. Yeah my mum has died. My step mum is ill too. I’m not a liar. If youre not interested thats fine but don’t go mad at me”

I replied: “Youre lying. So your dad got a new partner just a couple of months after losing your mum and now you call her your mum?? Are you even a teacher? Everything you say doesnt add up???”

 

NO REPLY

i text him a few more times asking why he has lied and why isnt he bothered about correcting me if I am wrong?

He replied one last time this morning saying ” I’m not sure how you have made up your mind about me already.All I can tell you is I havent lied and why the fuck would I when I’ve only just met you?

 

I text him asking if his dad had met a new woman then and now she has cancer? I told him I was giving him the opportunity to correct me.

No reply.

I rang the school that he said he worked at posing as a “street dance tutor”. I needed to know if his teaching job was a lie. Luckily the office said they couldn’t transfer me as the system was down and to ring back later. He is a PE teacher. So why lie about the mum?

 

Has he got a girlfriend?

He’s just moved out of the house he had with his ex who he split up with allegedly 18 months ago.

 

He’s not replied and i’ve sent him a message saying i’m deleting his number and how gutted I am that he didnt even offer me an explanation.. He hasnt replied to that either.

 

I’m beyond gutter. And totally baffled.

Pics below of me and him on our first and last date 😦

 

Any opinions appreciated

 

Jem xx

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The other woman

Published June 13, 2013 by jjjemma

I met “a” through work. He was 19 and a supervisor for a company I was manager for when I was 20.
He was from Leeds and I was from Leicester.
We flirted outrageously at regional meetings and eventually we added on Facebook.

We would email and flirt and sexy regularly.

He was fit.

It all changed when he married his uni sweetheart.
I felt differently and we kept our distance. I didn’t want to be the other woman in any way shape or form.

We had no feeling for each other , other than lust.

No matters of the heart were ever discussed.

We’d email weekly, bantering each other.
On iPhones the signature at the bottom of emails is “sent from (insert name here) iPhone”

“A” and myself used to edit these to amuse ourselves…
“Sent from my hairy ball sacks”
“Sent from my wide set vagina”
“Sent from my sweaty crack”

Etc 😂😂😂

My sons dad discovered our emails and set up a very similar email name to “a’s” and tried to trick me – I soon knew it wasn’t actual “a” when I started receiving emails telling me he loved me.
In the end I cut all contact with “a” to prove to my kids dad (and I use the term “dad” very fucking loosely!) that I did love him and wanted our relationship to work.

4 years later, boom!
I received a message on Facebook from “A”, asking how I’d been! We both now had 2 kids each, he’s relocated to Africa with his wife and I updated him on me!

We had a few flirty words of admiration for each other – but nothing crossing the line.

He tried to cross it asking for pics. I didn’t send him hat he wanted. I’m wiser now. I wouldn’t wanna hurt another woman.
I kept forcing the convo onto normal stuff. So I sent pics of my hair when I had it short etc. nothing rude.

He told me him and wifey wasn’t having sex and that marriage was virtually over. I suggested counselling to him (it sounds like she had post natal depression). He told me of their plans to engage in a 3-sum which I strongly advised against.

Anyway, the last 2 weeks he has been pelting my inbox with dirty messages. I’ve been blanking them as I don’t want to encourage that sort of communication now I am older and wiser.

So imagine my surprise when earlier in the week I receive a msg from his wife (via his now deleted Facebook page) – telling me to stay away and that “A” is being dealt with….

And!

That I should concentrate on my kids.

She clearly hasn’t seen thy he was the one attempting to lure me into sexy talks!
It’s been playing on my mind so I found her on Facebook and sent her this …(pic below)

Lesson learnt… I won’t speak to him again, and will keep married men at arms length.

Men think with their small head not the intelligent ones
Peace and love ,
Jem x

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Not again!!!

Published April 19, 2013 by jjjemma

Well. Ain’t life a biatch.

It happened again.

My lovely lovely date – I’m just gonna call him the acronym “dilf” as he actually was the epitome of it!

I say “was” 😤…

So after the first date , me and dilf text often, whatsapp’d etc. it was his brothers wedding last weekend so I have him space and didnt expect a second date until this week. I actually helped him with some of his best man speech – ‘cos I’m like totes funny aren’t I? Anyways!!!
There was a definitive chemistry and I suggested date 2 as bowling. I offered to book but he took over and booked it. He arranged to pick me up too. Which I liked. I can’t be doing with dithering men.
On the way over to mine his phone (which was his sat nav) died so he called me off his work number and I directed him to mine. He was flapping quite abit and I liked that as it meant that he liked me and wanted to make a good impression. 👍

My mate Laura babysat and me and dilf and myself went bowling. We had a laugh. I threw a ball down his lane whilst he wasn’t looking. We had good banter. We sat for ages afterwards having a drink and chatting and even played the “terminator” shooting game. Quality date. For me – he still ticked all the right boxes. He dropped me home we sat in his car for an hour chatting. We spoke about his (ex) wife and he said he had the house they shared and she’d moved 10 mins away with the kids. He said she was very selfish and that she always moaned and never cleaned the house – and that when he found her sexting someone ekse that was the final straw. I then asked why he had his kids so much (he has them more than half the time). He replied “because i want them”. Fair enough. On delving alittle more he said that she tried to limit his time woth them but he threatened to “ruin” her in court. Hmmm. ✋
It didn’t put me off. I thought he just loved his kids so much – i mean, the eldest isn’t even his, yet he has took her on and even pays maintenance for her. We even had a little kiss. Perfecto! 😘

On the date I’d joked that I sent a standard “bog off” text to previous dates saying “thanks for a lovely date but I just didn’t feel we have a connection. It’s not you it’s me” so when I got in I sent him that- AS A JOKE.
I immediately followed it up with “haha not really I had a great time – dont leave it so long next time xx”
No reply.

The next morning he was back texting again and moaning at how tired he was.

He was abit strange.

He then started saying things like “I want you x” followed by “I’ve just had a wank” – WHO SAYS THAT????!!! 😳
He then asked “what do you want?”
I had a panic- but was truthful. I replied “I eventually want to settle down, but first and foremost I want someone I click with and can have a laugh with”

No reply.

So I sent another saying “what do you want?”

It had to be discussed now he’d opened the can of worms.

His reply “fuck buddy?”

Wtf!!!
I got mad! I replied ” so why did you close your Pof and say you wanted to see what happened with me??? Was you just seeing if you could shag me??”

He replied “are you joking?”

I replied “are you?!!!!”

I was livid!!! Played much?!!!!👊👊👊😓

He then replied “no”

And then told me he’d been winding me up as payback for my joke text dumping him the previous night!!!

Hahahaha!!! I was soooo relieved!!!

Good banter ya see ?!!!! 💘

He was abit quiet and went bed early on Tuesday cos he’d been out late with me Monday and up early for his job Tuesday. We’d arranged for him to come round mine this evening so I was happy happy.

Wednesday came. Nothing.
I had a massive hair show to prepare for and was going to be on the go all day. Thought the day I checked my phone. I was thinking of him all day. Even though I was busy. Whilst the catwalk was on I text him trying to keep it lighthearted saying “are you bored of me already?”

He replied an hour later saying “sorry baby I’ve been in training all day and on a works dinner thing now xx”

So I just replied “ok have fun! The show went well – I smashed itxx”

He didn’t even bother to ask me about the show. I clearly hadn’t been on his mind like he had been on mine. 😓.

Thursday morning, I got a text saying “I’m a bit shot really aren’t I? X”
I replied “yes but I don’t understand why though”

He then went on to say how he enjoyed spending time with me but he didn’t think he could give me what I needed. Then started saying how lovely I am blah blah blah.

Basically I had been friend zoned. A – fucking – gain!!!

I kept my cool and just wished him well. I was still confused though as I’d done nothing wrong. I’d not bombarded him with texts.

Last night , I went into his Facebook. I’ve checked it out before. We aren’t friends. But when I checked it a few days ago he was still friends with his ex wife which I found abit weird. I didn’t even say anything when he said she was going to be going to his brothers wedding as she was taking the kids.

Well, had a look and fuck me, his mrs ain’t on there anymore. Is that coincidence?

She’s still on Facebook , just they aren’t Facebook friends anymore.
Obviously I can’t let him know I’ve done a stalking sesh on his Facebook. But still – weird no???

Also – another coincidence maybe but the last few evenings I’d text him and imessege hadn’t gone through so it got sent via text instead… This only happened the last two evenings around the same time…. Another coincidence?

So today I text and demanded some clarification.

I sent:
Did something happen yesterday ? I am confused as today you’ve done a full u-turn?
I’ve had a good couple of dates with you so it’s come as a bit of a surprise to me? X

No reply. So I sent it to his work phone too. Fuck it .

He replied saying:
Oh my god my other phone has broken which is why i didn’t reply! I am not seeing my ex nor anyone else. I just feel that you are looking for someone who can devote more time to building a relationship with you than i can at the moment. I know you think i’m a prick but i would rather be honest with you than string you along and let you down x

I then explained that I don’t need anyone who can give me all their time as I have my kids , friends, family, college and my own business to run.

He kept saying things like “that’s what makes you so attractive to me” “I’m sorry it really isn’t you”

Anyway. I got abit pissy with him and put:Well I suggest you don’t go telling people you’re looking for a relationship then. ‘Cos you’ll end up hurting people. I really thought I’d found a diamond out of that piece of shit dating site.
I cried yesterday- because I was convinced it was me. I never cry. I’m not an emotionally loose person.

This is how girls turn into bitches- from lads pissing them about.

You were full on at first and then it’s like you just got bored of me.

But don’t worry I know it is your loss. It’s just a shame I had my hopes raised by someone who actually liked me for me.

He replied:
I really do like you for you and it kills me to know you were upset 😦 x

And then he wished me luck!

So – what do we think had occurred???
Was it me???
Someone out me out of my fucking misery
Please

Best first date ever

Published April 5, 2013 by jjjemma

So last night I went on a first date with a newbie on Pof.
I was his first date ever.
Let me explain…
He was married. Still is but separated. 2 kids, one biologically his, the other he took on. I’ve broken every single one of my self imposed rules. But – I had a feeling and I went with it. And man I am glad I did!!! BEST DATE EVER.

He isn’t from round my way. He’s a good hour drive away. Excellent job, banter and HAWT!

We met at an Indian restaurant and from the second we met we clicked! Like. Actually clicked!!!!!

He’s tall, blonde and has gorgeous dimples. Good fashion sense and a proper gent! He’s abit posh too! But he liked my “northern” twang. We chatted easily. No awk silences and best of all was on a level!

Loads of laughs. He said he liked that I didn’t pretend to be anything other than myself. And he complimented me!

We ate our dinner and shared our food. We took the piss out of each other. He paid the bill without hesitation. He sounds like an amazing dad and clearly has ALOT of love for his babies. Which I found very endearing.

He broke up with his wife 6 months ago- she was texting someone else. But he admitted things weren’t right for ages before and even said he regrets marrying her. I’m pretty sure their will be no reconciliation.

At one point we were talking about the Internet and he said he had twitter and I said I had it too (we didn’t exchange twitter @) – he asked how you get so many followers. To which my tipsy brain ALMOST wanted to spill about the blog.

What a dick I am!!! I almost ruined it!!! I just blagged about hashtags and hopefully that was believable.

It’s not that I am ashamed of this blog- I’m proud of it. I just want him to get to know me before reading my life history and making judgement.

We had so much of a laugh I thought I might of done the whole “friend zone” thing again and told him so. He told me no, he finds me attractive etc!

So we went on for a drink afterwards at a bar. We ended up having a “thumb war” – instigated by myself and he won!

He offered me a lift home – even though it was out of his way and he had work very early the next day.

He drives a gorge BMW. He drove me to my house and I said goodnight and thanked him for a lovely evening. I gave him a quick peck and undid my seatbelt. He pulled me towards him for a better kiss.
Fuck. Butterflies much!

I don’t know if he felt the same but I was almost skipping to my front door!!!

He text me to say he had a quality night and that he could still taste me (my strawberry lipgloss)
HOW HOT IS THAT!!!

And today we have maintained communication :)))
So … I’m pleased.

He admits that him and the ex argue ALOT, so I hope that doesn’t cause issues.

But all in all I’m excited about this one!

I’ll keep you posted!!!
Jem xx

Revenge

Published February 17, 2013 by jjjemma

I don’t get mad. I get even.

Earlier today on Twitter, I jumped on the trending topic :
#oneofmyexes

I then tweeted:
“I took a piss in #oneofmyexes cuppa and gave it him with a smile”

#truestory 👍😷😜

Who was it?! The only man who made me mental – The Dj

This is the guy who STOLE my leathers from MY house for his new shag piece.
Cheated on me with numerous younger and older females.
Physically assaulted me on a few occasions.
Spat in my face.
Drove off and abandoned me 50 miles from my house in the middle of the night, in the middle of nowhere – because I’d found him out AGAIN!!
Hid my “revealing” clothes.
Made me DNA test Alfie.
REFUSED to be put on his boys birth certificates without DNA tests first.
Made me homeless and penniless at 7months pregnant , because I found out he was cheating YET AGAIN.

And more recently, dissolved his VERY successful company in order to dodge paying maintence via the CSA.

Maintenance for the two boys he refuses to acknowledge even EXISTING.

Why didn’t I leave him after the first round of him cheating and being abusive, I hear you ask??
My only answer to this is – I was young.
The DJ was my second boyfriend and 10 years my senior. I was 18 when I met him – 25 when I escaped the abuse. I grew up. I became a woman. I realised that the relationship we had was abnormal, broken and destructive in every way. It had evolved into a TOTAL game. He admitted to manipulating me back in my teenage years. In the end, he walked as he saw that I had grown up. I let him walk without a fight because I was pregnant with our second baby. In addition, i knew the vicious circle of hating each other and creating innocent lives would never cease unless I let him leave me.

Best thing I ever did! I spread my wings and grew into a person I didn’t think I was capable of being!

But before I let the cunt go, I got my own kind of revenge…
Here are some of my favourites.
💥Pissed in tea- the lazy twat would always sleep half the morning away, this gave me ample time to take a piss in his cup and stew the piss with a tea bag and some milk! 😷
He had returned home the previous night after doing a disappearing act for almost a week. I smiled as I handed him his cuppa in bed and watched as he drank his warm wee beverage 👍

💥Spat In his tea – contaminating his tea became my favourite revenge on DJ. I think he had been a mardy twat all morning and we hasn’t slept together for almost a month. He kept saying he was skint and used my credit card for his vehicle tax online. He was minted. So, I spat in his tea when he refused to pay me back. Simples 😷

💥Would regularly tell him that his wiener was diddy! I made him have such a bad complex about it that he couldn’t even get it up with ANYONE!

💥If I ever cooked and dropped food in the floor he had it. 🐓🐡🐲🐎
That was standard – I must stress, all of these revenge activities only occurred AFTER the DJ had screwed numerous ladies and abused me mentally and physically for several years.

💥Laxatives in his tea – this was my favourite. Basically, Mr DJ would tell me that I wasn’t allowed to ask him when I would see him next (apparently I was being a “nagging bitch” if I dared to inquire when I’d see him again!)
I actually went out and bought some laxatives for this revenge method.
This was my last bit of fun before he fucked off. The DJ had lied and said he was going on a stag do to Amsterdam. He made the mistake of phoning me up fucked on mushrooms during his stay and putting the girl who he had actually took away on the phone!!! CUNT!!!
So, I got the pestle and mortar out, crushed up 4 laxatives a day and put the poo powder in EVERY beverage I made him. Luckily, he’d only come home once or twice a week so I’d never see him shitting his pants or anything equally as grim.

Now, I know I may seem mental for doing all of the above – and my only defence is : I WAS MENTAL! Thanks to him 😂

I’m not now. I’m ridiculously boring. So fear not if I ever offer you a hot drink or some cheese on toast! 😜

Love Jem xxx
@barbiedoll_moi

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Pancake day!!!

Published February 10, 2013 by jjjemma

2 weeks ago, I got drunk and rang boyband. We got on really well on the phone, banter and he sounded lovely. He even said I sounded nice after and thought I wasn’t a nutter anymore… but then stopped talking after a few days … It just sloped off. 😦

So then last Monday we arranged to have coffee sometime over the next week… The. Conversation sloped off again. I didn’t mind. I knew he was busy with work and my week was pretty hectic with college and the kids.

So, Friday night… Went out with my pals. Lots of shots and drinks and dancing. I literally fell in love with the Dj when he played a 5ive,b*witched melody – a nod towards the telly box show I LURVE “the big reunion”.
Anyways, we were rapping along to 5ive tunes (we were surprised at how much we remembered!!!), having a quality night.

I danced with folk, even had a chat to a lovely lad called Adam – but he was very shy and said he had no kids , then later admitted to having a son but not ever seeing him 👊👎✋ BYEEEEEEE

Now, I’m not sure why it happened, maybe I was drunk / waiting to long at the bar / having a moment… But I text boyband!!!

Fuck. My. Actual. Life.

At 2.21am (why would I even of thought he was awake at this time?!)
I text him saying:
“You are weird”

Lucky for me that’s all I text cos I could of wrote so much more- I’m the girl who yells abuse at taxi drivers when I’m drunk. If I feel they are driving too fast, I will shout obscenities for them playing “god” and comprising my life”

😓 I’m basically , a nob!

When I woke up, hunger over to FUCK, Saturday morning. I checked my phone and saw a message from “boyband” , waiting to be opened. Horror overcame me. I thought he might of actually had enough of my silly mental crap.

His message read:
Awww thank you 😊 so very complimentary lol.

Sorry I am rubbish at times I know. 😳💥🔫xx

Aww! 😋 He was kind! And we’ve arranged the coffee (which has now turned into lunch) for Tuesday!

I’m excited to meet this one! He’s very funny and I guess him being all cool has kept me interested – which is a rarity as I usually find boredom-central with fellas v. Rapidly!

So , pancake day will be the day that I get to report back on mr gorge boyband 🙂

Laters 💋😂

Jemma

@barbiedoll_moi

Xxx

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Guest Blog: “Boyband’s” Bad date

Published January 24, 2013 by jjjemma

I’ve had many experiences with internet dating over the years, some good, some not so good but the following recent story was particularly memorable to say the least and Jemma has kindly allowed me to share it with you.

 

I’d recently hit the singles market and decided to go swimming in the wonderful pool of POF and try my luck once again on the internet.  Very soon I got chatting to a single woman or two children (ages 1 and 3yrs), who I shall name ‘Kirby West’ and in virtuality (if ever a word) sounded perfect.

 

So Kirby and I arranged a date at a bar to get to know each other over a few drinks (as you do), but a couple of days prior, she texted me to advise that she had been let down by her babysitter and couldn’t get a replacement in time for our date.  So instead of cancelling she asked if I would like to go round hers when the kids were in bed instead of cancelling.  I obviously thought this was a bit strange as she didn’t know me from Adam or had even laid eyes on me, I mean cummon, I could have been a psycho baby killer.  Lucky for her I’m not… well not anymore anyway! So me being me I dismissed the weirdness of the offer and I agreed to go round.

 

So I get there, bottle of wine in hand, we got chatting and everything was going swimmingly despite the environment and in all fairness she seemed very nice. I’d been there for around half an hour when her 3yr old appeared at the top of the stairs.  Now here’s me thinking she’ll just put him back to bed straight away but she called him down to sit with us and before long had all his toys out and he proceeded to use me as a human climbing frame as we continued with our date.

 

Very shortly after that, the 1yr old gets up and sits at the top of the stairs crying.  So again instead of putting him back to bed, Kirby comforted him and brought him down the stairs to sit with us.  So at this point I’m thinking WTF??? as I continued to try and get through a date at Go kids Go!  Anyway the 1yr old just wouldn’t stop crying, to which she acknowledge and apologised profusely for to be fair, but It was obviously the baby wanted feeding and wouldn’t be stopping anytime soon until he had his supper.

 

So Kirby had no choice but to give into the baby’s cries and asked if I would I mind.  Obviously said no go ahead and feed him, its fine….Then in a heartbeat she’d lifted up her top, lobbed out her right boob and had the baby suckling for England…

 

Now I’m not normally stuck for words but I was completely gobsmacked… This resulted in an obvious tumbleweed moment so I broke the awkward silence with “well….. This is awkward”… followed by “I’m not sure what to do with myself, I’m quite tempted to get on the other side and hi-five the baby” comment.   I chuckled but she didn’t seem to find my humour funny at all.

 

Needless to say the date continued to go downhill quite rapidly thereafter and I eventually made my excuses and left never to speak a word to her again.

 

 

Was he out of order?

 

What would you do in that situation?