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The Big Lie

Published September 23, 2013 by jjjemma

Ola!

Me again…

I’m sitting here , bewildered. The past week has been a whirlwind.

I focussed my attentions on a new dating website “Tinder”. It is a bit like hot or not… you like or bin the men and if you both “like” each other then a chat option opens up, where you can chat etc.

This is how I came to know James. I’m naming this man as I really don’t know what else to do.

James’ avi was of him in a tight white T-shirt, cap and sunnies on and MASSIVE arms. He messaged me first with the compliment of “I love your tattoo”. We got talking and it was pretty much on from the word go. He was polite, educated, fit and very complimentary of me. He told me he was 26, own place, a PE teacher and played rugby a few times a week. James said he was very new to the whole “tinder” thing. He lived in a nearby village to myself and worked in the same area that I lived. The day after we began talking he asked me out for a drink. I liked that he didn’t wanna chat load before meeting so we exchanged numbers and he promised to buy me half a shandy on Friday night 😉

Wednesday to Friday he was texting and whatsapping me most of the day (even at work – a school). He repeatedly said he was looking forward to our date friday and he told me he admired me for being a strong single mother with my own business. No games. He wouldn’t play the “wait 5 mins and reply” thing.

He went a bit quiet thursday night – but when he finally did text he said he’d been at his mum and dads house – REMEMBER THIS AS ITS KEY!

Friday came and at 5 pm I had to have a lay down as i had a migraine. I text to arrange a later time and he was absolutely lovely about it. I was still very late turning up for my date (by 40 minutes), but he didn’t seem fazed at all. I walked into an upmarket bar in town there stood James at the bar. Great physique , over 6 foot tall, fabulous dress sense and waiting for me with a drink in his hand! BINGO! My nerves disappeared instantly. We went and sat down and chatted away and had a few drinks. During this time I asked him lots about himself as he knew lots about me already from our text conversations. He asked what I wanted to know and i replied “everything”.

He told me that he used to be a builder and his mate was a PE teacher so he retrained via an open university thing and as his mate left the job, he recommended James for the job and he got it. I asked “didn’t you have to do your PCGE thing to teach” and he said no. He doesn’t work in a mainstream school, he works in a school for disruptive kids that get expelled from regular schools. Fair play, I thought.

He then said he’d done some travelling for a year – Vegas, Thailand, Australia etc…In hindsight he said that he wished he had done it in smaller time frames so that he didn’t have to watch his money etc.

He’d been with a girlfriend for 4 years. I asked when they broke up? 18 months ago he said and he’s just sold the house they bought together to pay her off and is using his sum to do up a new house he’s put an offer in for. In the meantime he is staying with his mate. I had no reason to distrust anything he was saying. He was very straight to the point and didn’t use closed body language etc. He seemed really relaxed in my company as was I in his…

I asked about his mum and dad and he said that they lived very near to me. He then cursed and said “I don’t know why i always say mum and dad as my mums gone. She died a few months ago”.

I felt fairly gutted for him at that point. He is 26 and that’s too young to lose your mum. I didn’t pry too much as i obviously didn’t want him to cry on our first date. He said his dad is so lost and that he doesn’t like going round to the house anymore as his dad needs to learn to live without being surrounded by people all of the time.

He asked why i was single – I told him straight “because I am picky”, he laughed and said he best be on top form tonight then. I asked him why he has been single for 18 months – I mean, James is a fit, gorgeous independent man. He’s a catch!!!! I’d go as far to say he is the best looking man who I have ever dated. He told me that most of his pals had started families and were settled so he doesn’t go out often and doesn’t really like to try to “pull” chicks in bars.

Excellent.

He asked if we were gonna get drunk, I told him hell yes! I knew I wouldn’t sleep with him and I know my limitations with booze, but it was Friday night and I had an absolute HUNK on my arm!

We went to a cocktail bar which is my fave place. We had 3 cocktails in there – He payed and whilst at the bar he put his hand on the small of my back protectively as it was rammed with people. I’d had a drink and asked if he minded that I go outside to smoke. I told him I wouldn’t if he didn’t like it. This perfect man I had found on tinder laughed and said he didn’t mind at all and led me to the smoking area. Nothing was an issue for him, he was funny and laid back. His phone kept going off and i jokingly said it was his wife and 10 kids. He laughed and said no it was his mate.Some random man came up to us and started talking to James about Rugby as its fairly obvious from his body and size that he plays, whilst he was being polite and making conversation with the stranger he placed his hand on my arm and smiled. I liked it. I liked him.

It was getting late but neither of us wanted to go home so he suggested another bar and off we went. En route, I heard someone screech “Jemmaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa”. It was 2 of my good friends and party girls – we were all a bit tipsy and I turned to James and said “this was not planned”!!! He smiled and said it was alright and we all went to the next bar together. We got a drink and sat down and my friends joined us and started taking lots of photos of us. At this point myself and James were quite tipsy. We didn’t care. He told me that i was “perfect” and then kissed me so perfectly I actually could have kissed him all night. I’ve never been that instantly attracted to anyone in my whole life.

I went to the ladies and he sat with my mates and when I came back and my mates went off to dance he said he really liked my friends and that they were funny. We were constantly touching hands, and if we wasnt holding hands he was stroking my leg. It all felt very natural and I was really chuffed with myself. We did some shots of jager and took more pictures. We all wanted to go to a club and off we went, myself, James and friends in tow.

We got to the club, James and myself spent some alone time chatting some more, kissing lots and having really good banter. James phone was going off and he kept texting whoever it was back. He told me it was his mate who was also out in town but didn’t want to come to the club.Again, he told me how perfect I was and then he said “I don’t know why you like me, I’m ugly”

 

STOP RIGHT THERE.

James is gorgeous and the opposite of ugly. I found it a bit strange that he didn’t have much confidence. He said his ex had cheated on him and said some pretty nasty stuff and that the comments had stuck. I told him that it’s a load of rubbish and that he is gorgeous.

He has the same music taste as me and even dragged me to the dance floor to dance with me and my mates. More kissing on the dance floor happened.

At about 1.30am , He said that he was going to go as his mate was leaving town soon and he wanted to taxi share with him (the village he lives in would have cost £25+ to get home in a cab alone). I was happy with the night we had. He was kissing me lots and saying “I DEFINITELY wanna see you again, I mean it, make sure you let me know you got back ok etc”.

I carried on partying with my mates for a bit and then went home.

James had text as he had got in saying he loved tonight and put 6 kisses on the text 🙂

I was excited about this one.

Smug even.

The next morning I woke up about 9am and was a bit disappointed to not have any texts off of him. Like a paranoid twat, I went onto Tinder and saw that James had been “active” 20 minutes ago. My stomach dropped but i refused to think the worst.

An hour and a half later he text to say he had just got up. Now even though I knew it was a blatant lie, I didn’t want a friction after such a good date. So I asked if he really did have a good time last night…

 

NO REPLY

after 3 hours I was completely feeling sick, so I sent him a further text just saying “you sure know how to make a girl feel paranoid!”

About an hour later my phone rang. James. My heart flipped and I answered and he immediately launched into an explanation of how he’d accidentally disabled his iPhone and it had just unlocked. I was so relieved! I told him that it was very sweet of him to ring and admitted that I was having post date horrors. He laughed and took the piss and said he”d text later.

Proper relived and glad he called 😉

He text me that night (saturday) at 6pm and said he couldnt wait to see me again. I replied saying me too and asking him how his day had been. No reply. I left it at that as I didnt wanna be a nob. At 10pm I text him a lighthearted text saying that he is a lightweight and clearly hungover in bed. No reply again.

 

I went to bed feeling shite.

I woke up early sunday morning and checked Tinder again – The fucking cunt had been online again!!!!

I sent him a message saying that I got the hint and that i’d seen he’d been online and not even bothered to text me.

He text straight back saying “Dont be daft!! You are prob right most of the time but not this time! I’ve just woken up. I really wanna see you gain??? I loved the other night. I am into you ”

I asked if he thought i was stupid and told him at this point I feel like there is something he is not being honest about.

I had a feeling in my gut and my gut is never wrong.

He replied saying he had fallen asleep at 7pm last night and had woken up early and been on tinder to look at my pics again. He then said “I have no idea why you like me, but i do like you”.

I told him to stop being daft and that I think he is gorgeous and that I just dont want to be messed around.

He replied saying “you are georgeous, i’m just a normal bloke. I will not lie to you. I want to see you asap”

He asked when i was free again and I said most nights if I could sort a sitter for the kids. I asked when he was free. He replied “every night”. I then asked him “what about your rugby training?” . He said “oh yeh! I’m useless, prob can’t do Tues night then”

He forgot he has rugby training?? Okay then.

I asked what he was doing with his sunday?

No reply.

3 hours later he sent me a text saying “might of accidentally been to the pub”

I replied joking that he is a lightweight and asked what he was upto.

No reply.

I was sick to fucking death at this point.

4 hours later I sent him a text saying ” I’m getting bored already, cant be doing with these long silences”.

He text straight back saying “dont like long silences do we? Not one bit. You ok? Why do I keep looking at your pics? xxx”

 

ERM I DON’T FUCKING KNOW WHY YOU ARE LOOKING AT MY PICS JAMES WHEN YOU COULD BE TEXTING ME INSTEAD?????

i asked him straight “why do you not reply when I text?”

– a legit question considering during the run up to the date he was replying and striking up convo’s with me constantly.

he replied…

“I havent told uyou but my mum is in hospital at the moment. Cancer and really ill. I’ve been to see her and left my phone in the car, sorry”

 

WAIT ONE FUCKING MINUTE …. YOUR MUMS DEAD ??? YOU TOLD ME SHE’D PASSED AWAY FRI NIGHT???

I text him saying that but in a nicer way.

NO REPLY.

I was livid. I started shaking. He’s just said a massive lie.

He said his mum had died 2 months ago and that he’d been in the pub all afternoon and now he’s saying shes alive, but ill and he’s not been pub , he’s been to the hospital????

WTF???

i text him again asking for an explanation. Nothing.

I asked him via text if everything was a lie?

No reply.

I tried to call his phone. It went to voicemail after ringing out.

I searched for him on Facebook and found his profile. I looked on his friends list for any family with his surname – NONE. He has a brother and a sister. NOTHING.

I went to bed last night feeling shaken and upset.

Why lie? He has got everything going for him? Was it all a lie? Has he got a personality disorder???

The not knowing meant I had a shit nights sleep.

This morning, I woke up to a text from him saying” Fucking hell, just seen all your texts. Yeah my mum has died. My step mum is ill too. I’m not a liar. If youre not interested thats fine but don’t go mad at me”

I replied: “Youre lying. So your dad got a new partner just a couple of months after losing your mum and now you call her your mum?? Are you even a teacher? Everything you say doesnt add up???”

 

NO REPLY

i text him a few more times asking why he has lied and why isnt he bothered about correcting me if I am wrong?

He replied one last time this morning saying ” I’m not sure how you have made up your mind about me already.All I can tell you is I havent lied and why the fuck would I when I’ve only just met you?

 

I text him asking if his dad had met a new woman then and now she has cancer? I told him I was giving him the opportunity to correct me.

No reply.

I rang the school that he said he worked at posing as a “street dance tutor”. I needed to know if his teaching job was a lie. Luckily the office said they couldn’t transfer me as the system was down and to ring back later. He is a PE teacher. So why lie about the mum?

 

Has he got a girlfriend?

He’s just moved out of the house he had with his ex who he split up with allegedly 18 months ago.

 

He’s not replied and i’ve sent him a message saying i’m deleting his number and how gutted I am that he didnt even offer me an explanation.. He hasnt replied to that either.

 

I’m beyond gutter. And totally baffled.

Pics below of me and him on our first and last date 😦

 

Any opinions appreciated

 

Jem xx

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The finale!!! Part 3 : The Tale Of The Ginge

Published November 12, 2012 by jjjemma

Last Friday, i woke up feeling like i’d been hit by a truck. My main emotion was betrayal and the overwhelming sense that i’m a gullible dickwad.
Ginge was frantically texting around mid afternoon and the text that broke me was “i know we are not in a relationship but have some decency and courtesy to reply at least!”

FUCK YOUUUUUUU!!!!! i replied a simple but effective “Like you did?”

He had no idea or remorse about ignoring me and lying?!!

After speaking with my closest pal that evening, i decided to give him a chance to admit some of his lies.
My friend pointed out a number of things:
1.) She could be a woman scorned and lied about everything
2.) I have been badly hurt in the past and could be looking for things to go wrong
and
3.) Even if he did do them things to her, he may of changed as it was a few years ago, plus everyone billy bullshits when you meet someone you like and want to impress them

so i text him. I asked him if “this” was really him. I told him i would like him regardless of job status, celebrity ex girlfriends etc. i told him he was funny and that i would still like him even if he worked in Asda.
He admitted NOTHING.
He even suggested that i was insecure and that just because he is a decent guy, i shouldn’t knock him down.

So , i told him that a friend of mine had done some research on him and that he never was in an actual relationship with the celeb.
He started ranting, saying he couldn’t believe it and that they were together over a year and that my friends are misinformed.
He then BLOCKED me on Facebook!
– Very dodgy move!!!

I asked why he had blocked me on there and also asked why he was still living at home if he was a hot shot businessman… (why not ? i had fuck all to lose AND, i am a fucker for getting the truth).

He said because he had moved back here after splitting with his LA girlfriend. He didn’t know whether to move to London where his office is located or stay here. He replied, that he blocked me because he felt “well awkward” about my mates checking on him.

(He said he moved to LA to live with a girl for almost a year, but it didn’t work out… rem don’t you need a Greencard to live in america and work???)

I calmed down abit and asked him to re-add me on Facebook. He didn’t.
I told him i was asking all this because id heard bad stuff and that if it was reversed i would expect him to do the same back.

No reply from Ginge.

I asked him if he was still sulking , as i got into bed.
He replied “yes, i am still sulking like a disabled, ginger, fat person” (thats him being funny not offensive btw!)
and then said “i trust you to trust me”.

Saturday came. Heard nothing from him. He still blocked me on Facebook yet i saw his new blog posts about bullshit overpriced crap. So he was still alive.

In the afternoon i heard from him. say
ing he will unblock me when he isn’t mardy anymore. We had bait of banter. But i couldn’t forget what the celeb girl had told me. We exchange pics of us dressed up (he was out in the shire, whilst i was out 12 miles away). He said i looked pretty.
Later that night at 1 am, he text a very pissed me saying “jem, what do you think about an “us”?”
i replied coyly “i don’t know what do you think?”
He replied in a series of texts that said” I think we would be amazing, we would burn this mother down”.
I said “unblock me on Facebook”
NO REPLY
at 4.58 am , Me and my friend got to our hotel room shit faced. I rang him. He answered. He was laughing at my drunkenness and said “you love me”. I turned. So did my mate. We said he looked like James Hewitt, and called him a liar and my mate screeched “i hate you man!” down the phone and he hung up.
I woke up yesterday with a head rougher than a jermoy kyle contestant.
I got to my mums and was monging out when he text.
He asked me to go and collect him and offered to keep me company at MY HOUSE!

When i am hungover i am very easily pissed off and basically-a bitch.

AS IF I WOULD GIVE JAMES HEWITT (AKA GINGE) MY ADDRESS AFTER WHAT THE C-LIST CELEB SAID !!!)

i called him a dick.
he asked what was wrong with me.
I gave him my blog link and told him to read the fucked. he clearly didn’t as he was replying back and forth too quick.
i then asked him if he turns up at peoples houses with his stuff once they give him their addresses?
He replied “eh???”
straight away.
i text him spilling it all out, what c list celeb had told me. He instantly replied a shocked “oh my god , this is slanderous, im in utter disbelief”
I told him i enjoyed getting to know him and told him how funny he was.
He then responded telling me how his family had opened there arms tp that girl and that he walked out on her as nothing was ever good enough. He expressed his shock and disbelief. Part of me really believed him. He didn’t wait to respond so he wasn’t having “thinking” time between txts either.
He said “THIS” was meant to be our time, getting to know each other and how gutted he was that the nuttier (c-list celeb) had ruined it. He told me how lovely i am and said we should keep in touch.

His last text to me was:
“Find someone nice and don’t settle for less”

Mine was:
“i don’t want anyone now,i am done. This is why i stay the fuck away from men. I am better off on my own. See ya!”

and there, just like that. It was done.

I’ve not contacted him and he hasn’t contacted me. I don’t expect to hear off of him.
I don’t know which of them i believe, all i know is this:

I liked this guy. A lot.
I knew the second i contacted his ex that id probably lost him despite what she said.
I am probably damaged goods thanks to the fellas that have fucked me around.
I find it hard to trust.
I hope that this means i am one step closer to meeting my match for life.
No regrets and i definitely have not cried. I felt sad and still do.
If Ginge asks me for a coffee i will probably meet him to clear the air and try to work the truth from the lies. What do you think?????
But for now, its done.
And i’m a single pringle baby!!!
love Jem x

p.s; i ate a bag of cheese and 2 mince pies whilst writing this blog – comfort food rocks xxx

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The tale of the Ginge

Published November 11, 2012 by jjjemma

Part 1.

I met someone. Someone I knew! I’d known of him for around 8 years.
I call this boy “Ginge” cos of his carrot top quiff. Think more “chiselled masculine/pale and interesting” rather than “Chris Evans “. He knew a girl I used to be friends with but we no longer talk- he used to ask me out years ago, but whilst I was still her friend, I wasn’t gonna be treading on anyone’s toes.
So, he mailed me. 3 weeks ago. Out of the blue, asking me to dinner. I accepted instantly, exchanged numbers and I was VERY excited.
Ginge was a successful businessman, who had an office in London. I’d never really spoken to him properly as we were both in and out of relationships back then. We started texting. He was funny! Really really hilarious! He got me. My humour. We had random conversations and he’d call me every evening before bed. This felt different to any man I’ve met in the past 2 years. There was a proper spark. He’s an intelligent, funny,successful guy. Over 6ft tall,frequents the gym regularly and above all, a true gentleman.
👍

We arranged our first date: at a beautiful restaurant on the Friday before my birthday. We were both openly excited about meeting up. He mentioned he had sinusitis, which then developed into influenza. On the morning of our first date,he regretfully cancelled and was apologetic and remorseful. I was gutted. But, he was worth the wait. He even said he’d ordered a desert to come out with “happy birthday Jemma ” written in chocolate.
❤❤❤❤
Anyway, on the Saturday, he messaged me to ask if I was free as he felt abit better and wondered if I’d like to have a lunch date with him and sushi (something he knew I wanted to try) that day. I had my boys and I told him so. He was sweet and told me to bring them along.
I mean, it’s not like we’d be snogging at lunch, he wasn’t a stranger and my boys are used to meeting male friends of mine,so, I accepted.
I met him in town and we went to yo!sushi. I wasnt nervous at all. ginge looked lovely in his designer fitted clothes and his hair was cut in the “mario from TOWIE” style! he looked great! My 6 year old was chatting away to him, whilst my two year old was clambering around like a monkey and squarking his high pitch protests in me trying to get him to sit still.
We chatted, we laughed, he got me to try all different foods including prawns which I always thought i’d hate!
I joked it was like doing a bush tucker trial! He was easy to get along with and again,hilariously funny!
He paid for everything without hesitation and shown patience when Archie had a meltdown at the end of lunch!😭😭😭 We parted with a kiss on the cheek and a smile.
He knew I was going to the fireworks display later and mentioned he’d probably be there and said he’d text. I got the kids ready and went to meet my friend there. I heard nothing off him but he did update Facebook to say “the killers are amazing” – he’s gone to their gig and not bothered to have the courtesy to let me know. Remember – he cancelled our amazing planned first date the morning prior to this due to illness.
😩
He didn’t ring me thy evening as he aways usually did and ignored my text asking how the concert was. I was miffed. The following day – nothing. No morning text as he had done before the lunch meet. I started to think he had second thoughts and had a knot in my stomach :(😱
I saw on his blog that he had posted a new post so sent him a text late that evening saying “I get the messege, but there was no need to be rude. I liked you and thought you liked me too”.
He replied after an hour apologising, saying he wasn’t going to make excuses and that he was sorry. He wanted to see me again and asked if we could have breakfast one day that week, if I could get time off the kids. I had tues morning off college so told him I could . We arranged to meet in a lovey Italian cafe in a new part of town.
Again, he started calling me in the evenings and mentioned he would be in LA at some point later in the week! He really had his head screwed on and I loved that he wasn’t a chav , he was SO articulate!
💋
On the Tuesday I met him in the Italian cafe, he was already there. He had the best booth and kissed my cheek warmly the second he saw me. We ordered, we talked, we ripped the shit out of “specials ” that were walking past the cafe. He laughed, I laughed- it was as if we were meant to be. I know that sounds intense but it was just a match. He has ambition, drive and made me feel like a lady. He didn’t judge me for having two kids and was genuinely interested in ME.
We chatted about everything. He told me he’d been in a relationship with a woman who was a minor celebrity off of a well known tv show. He said she was crazy and believed her own hype. He told me about his aunty who had a salon just out of town and she cut his hair. He said he stays with his folks sometimes and shares a flat with one of his mates too. He was quirky and even said he once bought his ex 5k diamond jewellery and when they split up he gave it to a homeless person on the street. We spoke about us mutually one day loving the idea of marriage and he expressed his desire for children. We were open. Like really good friends who share a connection. It was exciting times!!! We went to a health shop and I helped him pick out a new protein shaker and we were bantering and being daft. As we went to part ways I asked where he was parked and he said he’d got a cab because the car he’d recently purchased through his company, was for his mum and him to share…due to him being out of leicester mostly.

That night after another long call I fell asleep a contented girly! I was excited about the future :)🌺🌺🌺

To be continued….

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In sickness and in health

Published October 18, 2012 by jjjemma

Wow. Tues night went to bed feeling fab. Woke up at 3am with stomach pains. Nausea. I was up for a few hours trying to decide if I needed to bob or vom. Eventually at 6 am I made myself sick an couldn’t stop all night!

At 7am it was time to get kids ready. I knew I had to sort myself out as I had an important appointment at 9.15am.
So I struggled, dry wrenching to get the boys dressed, washed and fed. Dropped Alfie in school and Archie at my dads.

Dad told me my mum was in bed with a sickness bug. Cheers then.

Once I’d finished at my appointment and collected Archie we slipped into bed until 2.45pm. I slept so well- I must be ill as I never sleep in the day. We got in the car to collect Alfie. I got to the school an realised I didn’t need to collect him for another hour as he had after school club 😦

So I thought I’d force myself to the supermarket to get some emergency supplies in.
BIG MISTAKE
Got to Tesco, rammed some soup, bread and milk in the trolley, paid in silence as I felt like death. Then took my trolley, my kid an myself to the disabled loo where I literally felt so faint I had to lay down on the bog floor!

Eventually I puked some more and after quickly washing my face, realised I had no time at all to collect Alfie.
So I pushed my big heavy trolley to the exit and got in my car.

Fuel light came on.

Stopped at the pay at pump kiosk, freezing and trying to refuel my car whilst trying to remain upright.

Finally got to the school to be ambushed by people trying to talk to me. Had to tell them I’m ill as I feared puking all over the mum brigade.
Got my eldest, got home. I had the shakes bad and hasn’t had anything to eat. So made the boys a very lame tea of toast and jam and I had 1 slice o plain toast. Felt pukey again so whacked heating on full, got my duvet and put “fred clause” DVD on. The boys were so well behaved. When that had finished we all went upstairs and I was in bed last night at 7.40pm. And that’s where I stayed until 7am this morning.

As a single parent family we have to muddle through. When I gave birth to Archie my 2 year old, Alfie was only 3 and I’d had a rough birth (episiotomy -ladies!) but within 3 days I was vacuuming the house and changing beds as it was only me available to do it. I had lost a litre of blood and had about 9 hours sleep in 4 days around the birth. I do think women are made for stuff like this. I’m still here and still smiling 🙂

My parents are fab and help but they have their own lives and they help me enough. The guilt o “putting” on people is always in my head.

This isn’t a moaning blog at all. I get ill like that 3 times a year usually. It’s an insight to a single mums plight when she gets ill.
Especially in my situation where the ex isn’t on board or even the slightest bit interested in helping out. You really do have to just get on with it and wave buh-bye to your dignity for a day or two 🙂
Jem xxx
P.s- these are what Alfie drew at school when I was poorly yest

@barbiedoll_moi

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Scared

Published October 15, 2012 by jjjemma

Scared

My dreams are extremely vivid. I dream almost every night. Sometimes , they are amazing… I’ve dreamt of winning the lottery, meeting the man of my dreams and having lovely holidays with family. Other times, and more so this past 6 months, my dreams have been haunted. Things that I am not proud of that I have done in my past have revisited me via my dreams. Lots of sad events have morphed into strange nightmares:-
My grandparents that have passed away, a baby that’s in the stars, my children’s father who I know I will probably never get “closure” from and even current people that are in my life right now have shown up to taunt me in my sleep.

I’m thinkin that this could mark the end of the crap that has followed my ass around most of my life- as if this is my brain finally processing it all and filling it under “junk”. 📁📂
I was once told I have a spiritual aura ad could tap into this if it was a path I chose. I’m scared of the bleedin’ dark, so I never looked anymore into it.
I have recognised I get a “feeling” when someone is going to pass from this world. It’s a deep,sicky, worry feeling that lurks in the pit of my stomach. I got the feeling on the day my nana and grandad died, the dad my first boyfriend lost his aunty and I got the feeling a few nights ago- the night a dear friend lost her grandmother.

I’m not sure why I’m Sharing this, I guess because its part of my story.

People always say to me “I don’t know how you do it” (-being a complete single mum / zero aid from my boys dad). I also get told numerously how “strong” I am.
Here’s the truth:

My names Jemma. I’m 27 years old. I spent my early years struggling to find who I really was. I got in with bad crowds and was a complete tosser. I spent my teens fucked up from close family dying on an annual basis. Then, wasted my early twenties allowing myself to be manipulated by a very clever and sick person. I’m now approaching my 30’s. I try to be an ace momma, but accept that I am nowhere near perfect. I try to keep my friendships close and would call myself loyal. I’ve got my act together, removed myself from negative people &treat people as I want to be treated. I have educated myself and have put my all into my career. I’m chasing my dreams. Feeling the fear and doing it anyway. I am the healthiest I have ever been and completed my fort 10k in September… But I’m still scared.

Scared of my folks dying.
Scared of failing in life, at being a mom and a citizen of the world.
Scared of not having enough money, ever meeting a life partner and scared of never feeling truly contented.
Scared of letting myself or others down and scared that they will eventually let me down!
Scared that I will never achieve my dreams.
I’m scared of fricken EVERYTHING!!!

But that’s ok cos I’ve learned to “switch” it off. To fake it.

Being a mom certainly is the hardest job in the world – I should know I’ve done soooo many jobs over the years: cook, cleaner, waitress, pot washer, telesales,singer, Dj, retail sales, manager, deputy retail manager, beautician, make up artist and hairdresser.

NEVER did I feel the guilty scared feeling that comes with being a mom!

Guilty for leavin kids and going to work / college

Guilty that I can’t afford a certain must have toy

Guilty that I can whip them up a father

Guilty that I spend too long putting make up on in the morning

Guilty for spending more time / money / cuddles on one kid instead if the other …

But !!!! I’ve realised that being scared and feeling these emotions in like is perfectly NORMAL.
They are what make us human. The important factors to remember are :-
1.) Don’t beat yourself up🔫
2.) Live each day as if its your last💀
3.) Smile😋

It doesn’t cost a thing to smile. A smile can often counteract the fear or “scared” and if all else fails remember

❤SOMEONE LOVES YOU❤

🎶🎵-jlo was correct “love don’t cost a thing” 🎤

So next time you feel scared, do what I do- use it as the fuel to fire your drive 🙂
Love y’all,
Jem xxx
Xxx
@barbiedoll_moi

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The truth about love is….

Published October 6, 2012 by jjjemma

The truth about love is…

On my “quest” to find the elusive (and non-existent) ‘ONE’, i’ve began to notice relationships that people are in around me. They mostly (not all!) follow this pattern:
1.) Meet vía social networking media (Book of Face, Twitter, Plenty of Fucks (fish) and various other dating sites).
2.) Have some amazing dates and start gushing to mates about new wonderful person that you have quite literally “found”.
3.)Realise that said “found” new lover has told you a couple of porkies (lies).
4.)Start to cover up porches for new social media bf/gf and make excuses that seem acceptable.
5.)Argue. Lots
6.)Go on holiday, have amazing time and all badness is forgotten. Begin to plan a future.
7.)The female gets impregnated.
8.) Couple are happy to announce expectant baby all over the internet.
9.)Male in the relationship goes off the rails and cheats when pregnant lady is at home.
10.)Baby is born and all badness is forgotten.
11.)Male cheats again within 8 weeks of baby being born
12.)Female suspects cheating and does exactly the same
13.)Massive epic fights – sometimes violent
14.)Kids get fucked up by fucked up parents
15.) Everyone lives unhappily ever after. THE END.

I’ve seen this story and variations of this story happen too many times over the past 2 years. To real life friends and social media folk. Its made me realise that is “looking” for a man / women ever a healthy thing to do long term??

Another observation that has stayed with me is this;
“When a baby is born, the relationship between a man and a woman breaks down”.

I’ve experienced this first hand – i had my first baby with the so called – love of my life (Ha!) when i was 21 years old. He changed almost instantly towards me. He stopped kissing me, cuddling me and the only time we were intimate was when he fancied abit! When i had my second baby with him, he legged it at top speed and was fucking anything with a pulse in Nottingham (see DJ – in previous blogs). Now , don’t get me wrong, i am not blaming my babies for the relationship breakdown AT ALL! It was mainly the DJ’s fault and the rest was mine. He had a bad track record with women and my body changed from a pert 20 year olds to a whale in the space of 9 months – he was shocked, i was shocked and then – once the baby is out, the woman is left tearful, tired and stuck with the body of a deflated balloon. Yes, babies are soooo cute and i wouldn’t change anything about mine- HOWEVER – a baby is for life , not just for christmas…. and it means you’ll always have a tie with the other parent for the rest of your life!!!!

One of my friends, had a baby with a guy after over 5 years together. She thought she couldd trust him implicitly. He had even took on her child which she had from another relationship. So when the time came for them to have a baby together, she was relaxed about it and thought she had nothing to worry about. Baby arrived, and the dirty little bastard started up 1 affair (that she knows of) with a work colleague.

Another lady friend i know has a turbulent relationship with her fella, they already had 5 kids between them from past failed relationships. They planned a baby and she got the little girl she’d always dreamed of – after having two strapping boys. In my opinion they are as bad as each other. She let him see her give birth to their baby when he was coked up to the eyeballs after a 2 day bender. He went out to wet the babies head – for 3 days! She keeps letting him back with feeble excuses of “i love him” , “i can help him”, “he’s told me some bad shit he has never told anyone”, “i need help with the baby” and the most recent was “I need him to finish off the decorating!!!”.

People need to get respect for themselves, each other and most of all the children. We need to take it back to the old school where men were gentlemen (hold doors, pull out chairs – easy on the swears) and gals need to be more ladylike (no one night stands – sends out the wrong signal AND no ; you are not “one of the lads” YOU ARE A LADY!!! FFS!!!

My parents had epic rows when we were kids- she walked out a couple of times (for about 6 hours) , but dad and her always worked it through and they worked TOGETHER. They compromised and 45 years since they first met… this year, they celebrated their ruby wedding anniversary (40 years!). I wrote in their anniversary card of how proud i am to have parents that are still together.

I’m open to this thing we call love, but not searching or expecting…

In the words of one of my favourite singers:

The truth about love is … its all a lie

listen to this – says it all

“Love”, Jem x
@Barbiedoll_moi

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Wake me up …when September ends

Published September 21, 2012 by jjjemma

It’s the 21 September! Where has this year gone!???
I remember years ago listening to greendays song (the blog title) years ago and wishing sept away… But not this year!!
September has been GREAT for sooo many reasons!
I am in my final year of college and September signifies the beginning of my final 3 terms in education!!!
I have also had news from the CSA. Which seems promising and I feel positive that a financial level of security will be put in place for my children before this years out!!
I have also started Xmas shopping – all you single parents out there know how important it is to start it early to ensure your kids aren’t disheartened on crimbo day.
Today I got my iPhone 5!!! I have been waiting 2 years for this! And finally I treated myself to a decent phone! 3GS is NO MORE!!! Woop!!

My parents celebrate 40 years of marriage (ruby wedding) next Sunday! On the last day of September – which will be a positive way to end this month!
And tomorrow I am running my first ever 10k !!! For cancer research! I’m sitting here all excited and nervous! I can’t wait to put on my t shirt with running number and “who I am running for” badge. I will be thinking of my beautiful family a d friends that I have lost to cancer whilst I am running my hardest tomorrow. I’m ready.
My boys are gonna be watching me and fam & friends ! I realise how extremely lucky I am!!! I finally found myself! Aged 27 🙂

Doing my 1st 10k TOMORROW 🙀. Race for life #cancerresearch Text JEMS84 £5 to 70070 to sponsor me OR CLICK HERE http://t.co/2iU0wGYI 😋

There’s the links if you fancy helping me smash my targets xxxx
Think of me at 10.30am 🙂 xxxx

@barbiedoll_moi

Jemma xxxx💋💋💋💋

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