domestic violence

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Revenge

Published February 17, 2013 by jjjemma

I don’t get mad. I get even.

Earlier today on Twitter, I jumped on the trending topic :
#oneofmyexes

I then tweeted:
“I took a piss in #oneofmyexes cuppa and gave it him with a smile”

#truestory 👍😷😜

Who was it?! The only man who made me mental – The Dj

This is the guy who STOLE my leathers from MY house for his new shag piece.
Cheated on me with numerous younger and older females.
Physically assaulted me on a few occasions.
Spat in my face.
Drove off and abandoned me 50 miles from my house in the middle of the night, in the middle of nowhere – because I’d found him out AGAIN!!
Hid my “revealing” clothes.
Made me DNA test Alfie.
REFUSED to be put on his boys birth certificates without DNA tests first.
Made me homeless and penniless at 7months pregnant , because I found out he was cheating YET AGAIN.

And more recently, dissolved his VERY successful company in order to dodge paying maintence via the CSA.

Maintenance for the two boys he refuses to acknowledge even EXISTING.

Why didn’t I leave him after the first round of him cheating and being abusive, I hear you ask??
My only answer to this is – I was young.
The DJ was my second boyfriend and 10 years my senior. I was 18 when I met him – 25 when I escaped the abuse. I grew up. I became a woman. I realised that the relationship we had was abnormal, broken and destructive in every way. It had evolved into a TOTAL game. He admitted to manipulating me back in my teenage years. In the end, he walked as he saw that I had grown up. I let him walk without a fight because I was pregnant with our second baby. In addition, i knew the vicious circle of hating each other and creating innocent lives would never cease unless I let him leave me.

Best thing I ever did! I spread my wings and grew into a person I didn’t think I was capable of being!

But before I let the cunt go, I got my own kind of revenge…
Here are some of my favourites.
💥Pissed in tea- the lazy twat would always sleep half the morning away, this gave me ample time to take a piss in his cup and stew the piss with a tea bag and some milk! 😷
He had returned home the previous night after doing a disappearing act for almost a week. I smiled as I handed him his cuppa in bed and watched as he drank his warm wee beverage 👍

💥Spat In his tea – contaminating his tea became my favourite revenge on DJ. I think he had been a mardy twat all morning and we hasn’t slept together for almost a month. He kept saying he was skint and used my credit card for his vehicle tax online. He was minted. So, I spat in his tea when he refused to pay me back. Simples 😷

💥Would regularly tell him that his wiener was diddy! I made him have such a bad complex about it that he couldn’t even get it up with ANYONE!

💥If I ever cooked and dropped food in the floor he had it. 🐓🐡🐲🐎
That was standard – I must stress, all of these revenge activities only occurred AFTER the DJ had screwed numerous ladies and abused me mentally and physically for several years.

💥Laxatives in his tea – this was my favourite. Basically, Mr DJ would tell me that I wasn’t allowed to ask him when I would see him next (apparently I was being a “nagging bitch” if I dared to inquire when I’d see him again!)
I actually went out and bought some laxatives for this revenge method.
This was my last bit of fun before he fucked off. The DJ had lied and said he was going on a stag do to Amsterdam. He made the mistake of phoning me up fucked on mushrooms during his stay and putting the girl who he had actually took away on the phone!!! CUNT!!!
So, I got the pestle and mortar out, crushed up 4 laxatives a day and put the poo powder in EVERY beverage I made him. Luckily, he’d only come home once or twice a week so I’d never see him shitting his pants or anything equally as grim.

Now, I know I may seem mental for doing all of the above – and my only defence is : I WAS MENTAL! Thanks to him 😂

I’m not now. I’m ridiculously boring. So fear not if I ever offer you a hot drink or some cheese on toast! 😜

Love Jem xxx
@barbiedoll_moi

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The Youth Of Today

Published January 2, 2013 by jjjemma

Does anyone remember Aaron… The 21 year old stud from the post “the eventful evening”.

Well!!!! Let me tell you all that has developed!!!

Little , sweet, gorgeous Aaron, has been texting me constantly over xmas. Including several times on Christmas Day. Then a few days later he began WhatsApping me. Which i was happy to oblige with flirting etc. I asked why he had come over to Whatsapp rather than texting me suddenly and he said “cos I aint used this before”.
Okay, fair enough Jemma thought.

So Aaron continued to elaborate on how much he wanted to kiss my sexy body all over /lick me all over / Can’t wait to come to leicester SO BAD etc etc …. (those were his words btw)

So, today, for some reason I went on Facebook and there was Aarons status update
” Taking my gorgeous gf to arsenal at the end of the month… i will covert you ;p” (and tagged “said” gf in the post)

HOLD. THE. FUCK. UP….!!!!!!!

GIRLFRIEND???? WHAT GIRLFRIEND???!!!

So I made a fresh brew, plugged the mac book in and turned on “stalk-mode”. As a few of you may know from this postwhen I suspect a situation is any less than kosher, I turn into fully blown stalker girl.

So I clicked on aforementioned girlfriends profile. She looked about 19, nose piercing and without sounding like a bitch, average. – I mean, come on… I have “grown” into myself… as I am sure she will…

Anyways, said she was in a relationship with him since Dec 25th. Christmas day – when he spent a lot of it texting ME!
Looked through her profile pics and there was one of HIM and HER on November 4Th 2012 looking loved up. Went down her timeline, and saw she had been “in a relationship” with Aaron in Sept 2012 and June 2010. Basically, it looks like they have been on/off for a very long time. I am sure of one thing … I bet she doesn’t know of ME and I bet thats why he has swerved our little frisky chats over to Whatsapp! CUNT!

So.. I played it very innocent with Aaron. I went onto Whatsapp and said “Oh gosh I didnt realise you had a GF”

He replied:”Only just got one… you were too far away haha”
I replied: “You were too young for me anyway!”
He replied: “Never too young!Well if nothing was to happen at least I met a lovely woman out of it :)”

I replied: 🙂

He replied:”If you’d of came back to my hotel I wouldnt of been a good boy 🙂 xxxx”

I replied: “really?” (at this point fuming)
His response: “yeh course – i was besotted with YOU”

I havent replied. HE hasn’t been straight with me here has he?! “I just got a gf” —- REALLY?!!!
DO I LOOK LIKE I FUCKING FELL OFF A CHRISTMAS TREE?!!!

Now, I have 3 choices here…

1.) Keep quiet, pretend he doesn’t exist and delete off Facebook

2.) Tell his girlfriend, break the girls heart (she will prob go back to him anyway) and fuck him over – SURELY THESE DICKS NEED TO GET WHATS COMING TO THEM?! He dry humped me all over The Fan Club ffs!!!!!

3.) Scare the little player senseless and tell him if he doesn’t be straight with me then I’m gonna tell his gf about our night of “passion” *evil laugh* muhahahahaha!!!

I havent decided what to do. I am not sure I want the drama. However, on the flip side if i was the girl then I would want to be told! Lets not forget, 2 days ago, that little RUNT was planning to take me out when he is down here in 12 weeks!!!

What shall I do??????

YOU DECIDE

Loves Jem xxx

@barbiedoll_moi

@barbiedoll_moi

@barbiedoll_moi

A good date!!

Published December 30, 2012 by jjjemma

The Best Date. Ever.

Considering I always blog about all my recent bad dates, I have been thinking today of all the GOOD dates I’ve been on.
So today I am going to tell you about the best date of my life.👍
You are probably all expecting flash cars, squandering money and posh surroundings.. but no. This date was not that. This date is one date that I will always look back upon as an amazing example of when things go good.

I met this guy via MSN – back in the olden days when it was cool to IM people you don’t know and abuse randoms when drunk with friends (or was that just me who did that?). I used to write a lot of poetry and publish it on my blog space via MSN. This guy had read some and we chatted randomly on MSN. This was around 8 years ago, I was 20 and was constantly in an on/off relationship with my children’s father (see DJ 😡)
Anyways during an “off” period with Dj, MSN Man asked me out for some drinks. I was 19 , he was 24. We met in a bar in town. He was tall, fair (not my usual type) and extremely gorgeous. He was a proper mans man – abit rough round the edges. We had a few drinks, got on really really well and it was like we had known each other forever. He told me he wanted to settle and couldn’t find a girl who also wanted to settle – KERCHING!!!❤

The night slipped away, it was about 1 am and we found ourselves in a tiny bar drinking whiskey and cokes, followed by concoctions of shots that I had never had in my life. We were laughing, joking and flirting – it was all just so easy! He suggested we go on to a club – which at this point I was more than up for as I was wasted (as was he). We were both hungry and decided to nip in McDonalds en route to the club. Now, as we crossed the road we were trying to trip each other over and were basically being drunk idiots. I was running away when he slurred “Jemma. Wait!!!” I stopped and turned around, when my eyes eventually focussed on him he was staggering across the road towards me, pointing at me, saying “i’m going to kiss you.” I was giggling and shouted “Well hurry up then” – and thats what he did…
…In the middle of the road, pissed as newts, he grabbed me and we had the BEST kiss of my life (I am actually smiling recalling this). It wasn’t a sloppy, lazy kiss, it was gentle and soft and meaningful. I guess you could say we had a “moment”.😘💥💫🌟
We went to a club in town, found a quiet corner where we sat talking and drinking and kissing for the last hour. When we went to get taxis, there were NONE! So we started walking through town towards mine, as I lived on the outskirts of the City centre anyway. We randomly found an abandoned shopping trolley and without warning, he picked me up and put me in it and pushed me all the way up the hill to my flat! We were laughing so hard the whole time. When we got to my door, he picked me back out of it, cuddled me and kissed me before telling me he’d had an amazing night.

What a perfect night that was!

Unfortunately, I was young and a total twat. I was so obsessed with my then future kids dad at the time, that when DJ begged me back (as he always did) a few days later, I didn’t give MSN Man a second thought! I got back with the DJ idiot and then got pregnant with our first child, Alfie.

MSN Man was NEVER pushy and we remained good friends. When I was 8 months pregnant with Alfie, I moved out of the home i’d shared with DJ (we lived together 7 weeks before I discovered numerous naked picture messages on his phone to his ex / randoms and customers). 👊👊👊

I moved into my new place and MSN Man wanted to meet me to cheer me up as I felt horrendous. We met for a coffee. He was amazing. The moment he saw me he grinned from ear to ear. I felt like a whale. He embraced my bump and rubbed it and told me how beautiful and “glowing” I looked – this was move than my unborn babies father had EVER done. He treated me like an angel and he told me that he didn’t care that I was having a baby. He said he would wait until I was ready to move on as I was worth it. We parted with a kiss on the cheek and a hug.

I had Alfie 4 weeks later. The Dj came back on the scene, demanding that I gave him a DNA test on our baby and that if the baby turned out to be his (which it OBVIOUSLY was), then he would give our relationship a proper shot. I was 21, alone, scared and with a brand new baby to care for. A baby that wasn’t planned. I’d never held a baby in my adult years , so Alfie taught me how to be a mum the day he was born. I didn’t want to be a single mum and somewhere deep inside, I was still in love with DJ. I wanted to erase the past. So I did the DNA test and he came back. For a week! He then would turn his phone off to go to the casino to gamble late at night whilst I was doing the night feeds with our 4 week old baby. He would cut me off when I would try to ring him. He would intermittently come back for a few days at a time to have some sex and then leave again. Leaving me in bits. I ended up with an eating disorder after he threw a comment about his ex (whom he has 2 daughters with), losing her baby weight faster than I did. I was a mess.

Needless to say, I lost MSN Man along the way. I treated him appallingly. I was in and out of a horrendous abusive relationship and my heart wasn’t even mine to truly give back then.

MSN Man and myself are still friends. He is on my Facebook and he has a beautiful little girl and a fiance. They have had their ups and downs – but you know what? They’ve worked at it and they are happy. I am so pleased for them both, he is a top bloke.

And me? Well after Friday Nights date (See: First date etiquette), I am not feeling the dating scene much. Yet after sitting in my kitchen on my MacBook, and reminiscing about one of the few wonderful men that I HAVE stumbled across in my dating history…. Well I’m filled with excitement for the new year that is approaching!
What is it that Aaliyah sang?
*Dust yourself off an try again*

Bring on my 2013 dates 🙂
💏
Jem xxx
@barbiedoll_moi

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The finale!!! Part 3 : The Tale Of The Ginge

Published November 12, 2012 by jjjemma

Last Friday, i woke up feeling like i’d been hit by a truck. My main emotion was betrayal and the overwhelming sense that i’m a gullible dickwad.
Ginge was frantically texting around mid afternoon and the text that broke me was “i know we are not in a relationship but have some decency and courtesy to reply at least!”

FUCK YOUUUUUUU!!!!! i replied a simple but effective “Like you did?”

He had no idea or remorse about ignoring me and lying?!!

After speaking with my closest pal that evening, i decided to give him a chance to admit some of his lies.
My friend pointed out a number of things:
1.) She could be a woman scorned and lied about everything
2.) I have been badly hurt in the past and could be looking for things to go wrong
and
3.) Even if he did do them things to her, he may of changed as it was a few years ago, plus everyone billy bullshits when you meet someone you like and want to impress them

so i text him. I asked him if “this” was really him. I told him i would like him regardless of job status, celebrity ex girlfriends etc. i told him he was funny and that i would still like him even if he worked in Asda.
He admitted NOTHING.
He even suggested that i was insecure and that just because he is a decent guy, i shouldn’t knock him down.

So , i told him that a friend of mine had done some research on him and that he never was in an actual relationship with the celeb.
He started ranting, saying he couldn’t believe it and that they were together over a year and that my friends are misinformed.
He then BLOCKED me on Facebook!
– Very dodgy move!!!

I asked why he had blocked me on there and also asked why he was still living at home if he was a hot shot businessman… (why not ? i had fuck all to lose AND, i am a fucker for getting the truth).

He said because he had moved back here after splitting with his LA girlfriend. He didn’t know whether to move to London where his office is located or stay here. He replied, that he blocked me because he felt “well awkward” about my mates checking on him.

(He said he moved to LA to live with a girl for almost a year, but it didn’t work out… rem don’t you need a Greencard to live in america and work???)

I calmed down abit and asked him to re-add me on Facebook. He didn’t.
I told him i was asking all this because id heard bad stuff and that if it was reversed i would expect him to do the same back.

No reply from Ginge.

I asked him if he was still sulking , as i got into bed.
He replied “yes, i am still sulking like a disabled, ginger, fat person” (thats him being funny not offensive btw!)
and then said “i trust you to trust me”.

Saturday came. Heard nothing from him. He still blocked me on Facebook yet i saw his new blog posts about bullshit overpriced crap. So he was still alive.

In the afternoon i heard from him. say
ing he will unblock me when he isn’t mardy anymore. We had bait of banter. But i couldn’t forget what the celeb girl had told me. We exchange pics of us dressed up (he was out in the shire, whilst i was out 12 miles away). He said i looked pretty.
Later that night at 1 am, he text a very pissed me saying “jem, what do you think about an “us”?”
i replied coyly “i don’t know what do you think?”
He replied in a series of texts that said” I think we would be amazing, we would burn this mother down”.
I said “unblock me on Facebook”
NO REPLY
at 4.58 am , Me and my friend got to our hotel room shit faced. I rang him. He answered. He was laughing at my drunkenness and said “you love me”. I turned. So did my mate. We said he looked like James Hewitt, and called him a liar and my mate screeched “i hate you man!” down the phone and he hung up.
I woke up yesterday with a head rougher than a jermoy kyle contestant.
I got to my mums and was monging out when he text.
He asked me to go and collect him and offered to keep me company at MY HOUSE!

When i am hungover i am very easily pissed off and basically-a bitch.

AS IF I WOULD GIVE JAMES HEWITT (AKA GINGE) MY ADDRESS AFTER WHAT THE C-LIST CELEB SAID !!!)

i called him a dick.
he asked what was wrong with me.
I gave him my blog link and told him to read the fucked. he clearly didn’t as he was replying back and forth too quick.
i then asked him if he turns up at peoples houses with his stuff once they give him their addresses?
He replied “eh???”
straight away.
i text him spilling it all out, what c list celeb had told me. He instantly replied a shocked “oh my god , this is slanderous, im in utter disbelief”
I told him i enjoyed getting to know him and told him how funny he was.
He then responded telling me how his family had opened there arms tp that girl and that he walked out on her as nothing was ever good enough. He expressed his shock and disbelief. Part of me really believed him. He didn’t wait to respond so he wasn’t having “thinking” time between txts either.
He said “THIS” was meant to be our time, getting to know each other and how gutted he was that the nuttier (c-list celeb) had ruined it. He told me how lovely i am and said we should keep in touch.

His last text to me was:
“Find someone nice and don’t settle for less”

Mine was:
“i don’t want anyone now,i am done. This is why i stay the fuck away from men. I am better off on my own. See ya!”

and there, just like that. It was done.

I’ve not contacted him and he hasn’t contacted me. I don’t expect to hear off of him.
I don’t know which of them i believe, all i know is this:

I liked this guy. A lot.
I knew the second i contacted his ex that id probably lost him despite what she said.
I am probably damaged goods thanks to the fellas that have fucked me around.
I find it hard to trust.
I hope that this means i am one step closer to meeting my match for life.
No regrets and i definitely have not cried. I felt sad and still do.
If Ginge asks me for a coffee i will probably meet him to clear the air and try to work the truth from the lies. What do you think?????
But for now, its done.
And i’m a single pringle baby!!!
love Jem x

p.s; i ate a bag of cheese and 2 mince pies whilst writing this blog – comfort food rocks xxx

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The tale of the Ginge -part 2

Published November 12, 2012 by jjjemma

The tale of the Ginge- Part 2:

Last Thurs, we was supposed to meet for a bite to eat. Ginge had suggested this during the previous nights phone call and i had agreed. So Thursday morning came, i got myself dolled up for a lunch date and headed into town. Id not had a “good morning” text, but assumed he was just busy and woud text me at lunchtime to arrange where to meet. So i went about shopping and checking my phone. Midday came and went. My phone was definitely on and working as i text and called friends to pass the time. By 2pm, id given up hope of hearing anything. How fucking rude! i know you are thinking “why didn’t you text hi Jem?” – but in all honesty, i wasn’t prepared to put myself out there with the possibility of being ignored by him as he had done the previous Saturday evening. I was raging. I went home. I opened by laptop and googled him. Lots of things suddenly didn’t add up. His LinkedIn profile was the first thing i checked out. He told me he had dissolved a partnership a couple of years ago with a guy who he was successfully running a business with. He told me this had cost him tens of thousands of pounds. On his profile, in his work history it clearly stated that he was EMPLOYED by the company and NOT co-director as he originally led me to believe. I then looked up his so called ex-business partner ; SHOCK hit me when i found this guy was the actual CEO of the company AND the company was never dissolved as ginger had told me. I then googled Ginge some more and discovered that his current company was registered to his Mums address and that where he said he lived was in fact, not in the lovely area he said, but on the outskirts of it AND the house (via google maps) was a modest one at that. Surely if you are super loaded you would see your family right? No??
I then found his Twitter and he had been posting blogs all day on high end products for the upper class market. I had an awful awful knot in my stomach – the same knot i felt overtime my ex, the DJ had lied to me. It occurred to me that if Ginge had been lying to me about these mediocre things then what else had he been lying about? It was at this point that i googled his so-called ex; The C-list celebrity. BINGO! Loads of stuff came up on her. She had her own website, i read articles that she had featured in etc. One interview she had done revealed she had met her now fiance and baby daddy prior to her big break on the tellybox. Ginge had said he was in a relationship with her at this point! I was super confused and after long thought, decided i needed to find out the truth about this guy once and for all.
This may sound crazy, but i have been badly hurt by a liar before and it left me devastated and broken. I could feel myself falling for Ginge and needed to find out some sort of truth before it was too late. He had arranged to meet me on two separate occasions at this point and then totally blanked me for over 24 hours each time…. So, I emailed his famous ex.

It was a short message that said who i was and who i was dating, and i spoke of how a few things didn’t add up and that ginger said he had dated her. I asked if this was true and politely apologised for having to do this, however, explained that i have two small children and didn’t want to be getting involved with a liar.

2 hours later, she replied:
“Hi Jemma,
He is a liar. Avoid x”

FUCK! my stomach hit the ground.

I rushed to reply saying :
“Thank you for replying! I thought you might think i was mental! Can you elaborate on that at all?”

She replied asking for my number and said she would call.

15 minutes later “BLOCKED” number was calling my phone.
I answered and an eloquent petite, feminine voice spoke to me. She asked for my story. I told her about how we knew each other, what he had said about her (they were together a year, How he said he gave her 5k jewellery to a homeless person, how he relocated up north to be with her and that they had ended because they were too strong, powerful people in the public eye and that they clashed).
She was clearly shocked. She said it was the biggest pack of fucking lies she had ever heard. she told me her version – That she went on 3 dates with him as they lived in the same block of flats whilst they were at uni. She then moved up north and didn’t intend to see him again. He asked for her new address so that he could send flowers to her. She gave it him. The next day he turned up at her new home up north with a suitcase full of his stuff!!! She told him she didn’t want a relationship, that he couldn’t stay and that he had to go. He got aggressive and angry. She was scared and told him she was going to ring the police. He asked to go to the bathroom and said he would leave after. Whilst he went toilet she rang the police, which he heard and he legged it. Once he had gone, she noticed her 5k necklace was missing out of her bedroom along with her cards and cash!!! She told me she thought he had took them not because he needed the money, but because he was mental enough to think she would want to meet up to get her stuff back!!!! She said he wouldn’t leave her alone and tried to sell stories of there “relationship” to a well known newspaper!!!! She then told me she nearly didn’t reply to my email as she thought it might be him trying to fuck with her. I thanked this lady and hung up.
I went into shock. How could i choose so badly?! Why do they all think they can pull the wool over my eyes!?? I didn’t speak to Ginge that evening as i was mulling over my next move. I didn’t want to tell him i had spoken to his ex and make myself look like a mentalist – i also didn’t want to cause trouble for her, a woman who went out of her way to put me in the picture about him.

Ginge updated his status about an hour later saying he was off to a fashion event at a london club. I googled the club, lode under the events page and SURPRISE SURPRISE!!! The club was a members only establishment and didn’t hold events thurdays to sundays!!! He text asking how i was. I ignored the fucker. later that night he tried to ring, i ignored again. At almost midnight he tried to call again. Again, i ignored. He left a voicemail sounding perfectly normal saying he has tried to text and call and joked that “he wouldn’t keep stalking me!” and told me to call him!!! How apt!
Firstly, he didn’t mention not meeting me earlier that day on our lunch date, or texting throughout the day and just sounded NORMAL!!!
5 minutes later, Ginge tagged himself at an exclusive famous gentlemans club in london… BULLSHIT.

i went to bed that evening feeling like utter crap and a total fool.

to be continued….

jem x

In sickness and in health

Published October 18, 2012 by jjjemma

Wow. Tues night went to bed feeling fab. Woke up at 3am with stomach pains. Nausea. I was up for a few hours trying to decide if I needed to bob or vom. Eventually at 6 am I made myself sick an couldn’t stop all night!

At 7am it was time to get kids ready. I knew I had to sort myself out as I had an important appointment at 9.15am.
So I struggled, dry wrenching to get the boys dressed, washed and fed. Dropped Alfie in school and Archie at my dads.

Dad told me my mum was in bed with a sickness bug. Cheers then.

Once I’d finished at my appointment and collected Archie we slipped into bed until 2.45pm. I slept so well- I must be ill as I never sleep in the day. We got in the car to collect Alfie. I got to the school an realised I didn’t need to collect him for another hour as he had after school club 😦

So I thought I’d force myself to the supermarket to get some emergency supplies in.
BIG MISTAKE
Got to Tesco, rammed some soup, bread and milk in the trolley, paid in silence as I felt like death. Then took my trolley, my kid an myself to the disabled loo where I literally felt so faint I had to lay down on the bog floor!

Eventually I puked some more and after quickly washing my face, realised I had no time at all to collect Alfie.
So I pushed my big heavy trolley to the exit and got in my car.

Fuel light came on.

Stopped at the pay at pump kiosk, freezing and trying to refuel my car whilst trying to remain upright.

Finally got to the school to be ambushed by people trying to talk to me. Had to tell them I’m ill as I feared puking all over the mum brigade.
Got my eldest, got home. I had the shakes bad and hasn’t had anything to eat. So made the boys a very lame tea of toast and jam and I had 1 slice o plain toast. Felt pukey again so whacked heating on full, got my duvet and put “fred clause” DVD on. The boys were so well behaved. When that had finished we all went upstairs and I was in bed last night at 7.40pm. And that’s where I stayed until 7am this morning.

As a single parent family we have to muddle through. When I gave birth to Archie my 2 year old, Alfie was only 3 and I’d had a rough birth (episiotomy -ladies!) but within 3 days I was vacuuming the house and changing beds as it was only me available to do it. I had lost a litre of blood and had about 9 hours sleep in 4 days around the birth. I do think women are made for stuff like this. I’m still here and still smiling 🙂

My parents are fab and help but they have their own lives and they help me enough. The guilt o “putting” on people is always in my head.

This isn’t a moaning blog at all. I get ill like that 3 times a year usually. It’s an insight to a single mums plight when she gets ill.
Especially in my situation where the ex isn’t on board or even the slightest bit interested in helping out. You really do have to just get on with it and wave buh-bye to your dignity for a day or two 🙂
Jem xxx
P.s- these are what Alfie drew at school when I was poorly yest

@barbiedoll_moi

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Scared

Published October 15, 2012 by jjjemma

Scared

My dreams are extremely vivid. I dream almost every night. Sometimes , they are amazing… I’ve dreamt of winning the lottery, meeting the man of my dreams and having lovely holidays with family. Other times, and more so this past 6 months, my dreams have been haunted. Things that I am not proud of that I have done in my past have revisited me via my dreams. Lots of sad events have morphed into strange nightmares:-
My grandparents that have passed away, a baby that’s in the stars, my children’s father who I know I will probably never get “closure” from and even current people that are in my life right now have shown up to taunt me in my sleep.

I’m thinkin that this could mark the end of the crap that has followed my ass around most of my life- as if this is my brain finally processing it all and filling it under “junk”. 📁📂
I was once told I have a spiritual aura ad could tap into this if it was a path I chose. I’m scared of the bleedin’ dark, so I never looked anymore into it.
I have recognised I get a “feeling” when someone is going to pass from this world. It’s a deep,sicky, worry feeling that lurks in the pit of my stomach. I got the feeling on the day my nana and grandad died, the dad my first boyfriend lost his aunty and I got the feeling a few nights ago- the night a dear friend lost her grandmother.

I’m not sure why I’m Sharing this, I guess because its part of my story.

People always say to me “I don’t know how you do it” (-being a complete single mum / zero aid from my boys dad). I also get told numerously how “strong” I am.
Here’s the truth:

My names Jemma. I’m 27 years old. I spent my early years struggling to find who I really was. I got in with bad crowds and was a complete tosser. I spent my teens fucked up from close family dying on an annual basis. Then, wasted my early twenties allowing myself to be manipulated by a very clever and sick person. I’m now approaching my 30’s. I try to be an ace momma, but accept that I am nowhere near perfect. I try to keep my friendships close and would call myself loyal. I’ve got my act together, removed myself from negative people &treat people as I want to be treated. I have educated myself and have put my all into my career. I’m chasing my dreams. Feeling the fear and doing it anyway. I am the healthiest I have ever been and completed my fort 10k in September… But I’m still scared.

Scared of my folks dying.
Scared of failing in life, at being a mom and a citizen of the world.
Scared of not having enough money, ever meeting a life partner and scared of never feeling truly contented.
Scared of letting myself or others down and scared that they will eventually let me down!
Scared that I will never achieve my dreams.
I’m scared of fricken EVERYTHING!!!

But that’s ok cos I’ve learned to “switch” it off. To fake it.

Being a mom certainly is the hardest job in the world – I should know I’ve done soooo many jobs over the years: cook, cleaner, waitress, pot washer, telesales,singer, Dj, retail sales, manager, deputy retail manager, beautician, make up artist and hairdresser.

NEVER did I feel the guilty scared feeling that comes with being a mom!

Guilty for leavin kids and going to work / college

Guilty that I can’t afford a certain must have toy

Guilty that I can whip them up a father

Guilty that I spend too long putting make up on in the morning

Guilty for spending more time / money / cuddles on one kid instead if the other …

But !!!! I’ve realised that being scared and feeling these emotions in like is perfectly NORMAL.
They are what make us human. The important factors to remember are :-
1.) Don’t beat yourself up🔫
2.) Live each day as if its your last💀
3.) Smile😋

It doesn’t cost a thing to smile. A smile can often counteract the fear or “scared” and if all else fails remember

❤SOMEONE LOVES YOU❤

🎶🎵-jlo was correct “love don’t cost a thing” 🎤

So next time you feel scared, do what I do- use it as the fuel to fire your drive 🙂
Love y’all,
Jem xxx
Xxx
@barbiedoll_moi

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