So this blog came to me today as my tired mind was doing its usual epic job of overthinking.
For now this is my swan song. The final blog about love and dating that I may ever write.
I sat last night , in the small hours re-reading some of my previous entries. Some made me smile, most made me feel sad. I was so desperate to find someone to keep that I dated anyone who was willing. I tried my very best to not be a “shallow hal”. I didn’t discriminate or judge a man by his job or baggage. Unfortunately, I did discover that I was picky to a fault. The smallest thing would put me off a guy and once I felt that, there was no way back for the poor fools!
Reading about the DJ for example, made me starkly aware of how badly I was once treated. I wrote about him as if it almost didn’t happen to me. Blogging my innermost thoughts during times of sadness was always cathartic in my recovery – of getting over my latest fling.
I realised that when I am upset my emotions are extreme. The amount of men I thought I was “falling for”, but didn’t realise until after it was over, was stupendous. I think the emotions I held were fears of never finding the illusive “one”. The pressures I put myself under made my head hurt. I didn’t love any of them.
I know this now, because, I can confirm, I am in love. Obviously I don’t want to reveal everything because matters of the heart are very personal. For once in my life I feel like I’m accepted for who I am. I respect his patience with me so much. Meeting him has confirmed my worst fear, I am damaged from my serial dating.
We met via good old POF. Yet, we didn’t chat much beforehand. His pictures blew me away. Gorgeous and muscle honed, I was a little apprehensive about meeting him as he looked too good for me.
How could I of got to this point where I thought someone was too good for me? I’m confident, I run a successful business, I’m a mum and dad and I’m popular. Serial dating, ebbed away away my self confidence. It destroyed my belief in love and still makes me question so much on a daily basis.
The man who stole my heart is called Lee. He isn’t perfect, but then who is? Yet, what I will say is, he knows how to handle me. He lets me tell my unfunny jokes and despairs at my silliness I’m sure. The one thing that sets him apart from every other man, is that he is tactile. I’m not used to such affection. He kisses and touches me all the time and makes me feel beautiful. With him, I feel safe.
We had a bumpy start as we arranged 3 separate dates that I cancelled last minute due to being apprehensive. I didn’t want to waste my time dating a pretty boy who only had love for himself. For some reason, my guy persisted. I gave in, and met him in a local bar. Literally, from the second I saw him my gut flipped. All rules went out of the window. He made me dizzy. I was going to try and portray myself as a normal human being (anyone who half knows me, knows I’m crazy). I was rambling on about God knows what and I noticed his facial expression – bemused. I bet the poor fella wondered what the hell had hit him 😂.
It was a really good date and from then on we’ve seen each other as much as we could.
We have one rule : honesty.
I would rather be hurt with the truth than ruined with a lie.
The rule has caused us to cross words on more than one occasion, but I really need something real and honest in my life after years of fakes and lies.
I first realised a few weeks ago during a Foo Fighters gig how I felt. I remember the moment. He stood behind me, we had been kissing, the band was playing and he had his arms around me. I felt at peace with my past and 100% happy in that moment in time. I wish we could record moments like that and relive them❤️. I guess that’s why memories are treasured.
I am yet to tell him how I feel. He asked me last week if I had felt like saying “I love you” to him. He caught me off guard and I’d had a stressy day, so I immediately closed off and said no. He seemed taken aback and admitted he had felt like saying it a few times.
The thing about love is it gets passed around so freely that people get heartbroken on the regular. I know how I feel I just don’t know how to say it. I feel like admitting I love him will diminish the mystery and spark we have. Additionally, I haven’t said those 3 important words to anyone in over 7 years. I’m completely out of my comfort zone with love. it both terrifies and excites me.
Send me on a first date and I’ll fly. Admitting my feelings after years of burying my heart is tough. I don’t want to lose what I have with Lee, I want us to build, I want us to grow. I want it all. So I know that I am going to have to brave at some point soon and profess my love.
Has anyone else had this problem?
I’ve also noticed that since realising that I love this man, I’ve felt super anxious. I feel like he’s gonna get bored of me and leave. Maybe it’s because I’m out of my comfort zone now. I’m in unknown waters. I don’t know what the hell I am actually doing 🙈. I have, however, decided that I need to just take a chance and not overthink it. To lose yourself in another person is something that I am unfamiliar with.
I don’t feel that he is out of my league anymore – I never really bought into that league shite anyway. We are all humans looking for a spark. I found the spark and it has ignited fireworks.
My advice to other serial daters?
💗 Don’t waste time on people you aren’t attracted to. Attraction is key from the offset.
💗Don’t spend too much time texting beforehand – it ruins the mystery.
💗 Do be yourself – if you’re a geek , embrace that !
And finally (one I need to remember too)…
💗 Do not waste your time being sad about stuff that hasn’t happened – one life, seize the day and live for the moment.
I want to thank every single one of you who has taken time to read my disasters and given me sound advice when needed. I got to my destination in the end, even though it was a bumpy road.❤️
I’m happy and in love for the first time in my adult life. Real, honest, true love. I’ve felt things I didn’t know I held inside me. I trust another human being implicitly. It feels both unbelievable and electrifying. I’m still learning to swot away those demons that I’ve carried on my shoulders for years. Every day is progress and every smile is worth it.
Does love last forever? Does it matter?
Take a chance and you just never know.
Lots of love,