My baby would of been 1 today.
My baby that I aborted.
My baby that I never got
Or feel move inside me.
My baby that I wanted to keep , yet at the same time knew I’d die if I kept.
My boys dad had just met a new girlfriend.
He rubbed his happiness in my face – whilst I struggled being a single Mum to his boys that he abandoned and didn’t see / pay for.
I was completely devestated. I met a guy. A guy off POF.
His name was Vern – he had a dog and a good job.
I like dogs and he seemed nice.
So I arranged a date with him. He said he’d pick me up and I offered for his dog to stay in my house whilst we went out as I felt bad thy the dog would be locked in his van (his housemates would t let him leave dog at home).
He came over, dropped dog off and we went for our date. He was easy to talk to and quite funny. We did shots and were having a quality night.
Anyway we went back to mine – I’d long forgotten about the kids dad upsetting me. I definately didn’t wanna sleep with Vern. I just wanted him to sleep on the sofa at worst!
So he went toilet and he was upstairs AGES so I staggered upstairs to investigate.
He was on my bed in his pants. I laughed as I was abit confused and slightly scared too.
He got up and kissed me and pushed me onto the bed and I remember saying “NO”.
I kept saying “No” as he took my clothes off but it’s like my arms were jelly.
He didnt stop.
And I fell asleep as we were having sex.
Now I’m not saying I was raped as it wasn’t violent. I’m not sure if he drugged me – I wouldn’t like to say as it sounds so “samey” to other people’s stories.
All I remember is the next day waking up naked and him trying to have sex with me again but I got straight up and said no and got showered and dressed and told him to leave.
I felt dirty and cried whilst scrubbing myself in the shower.
I headed straight to the pharmacy and got the morning after pilI and went to pick up my boys.
I text him a few days later saying I didn’t want to see him again and that I don’t usually sleep with guys on first dates! I was mortified. He’d left some stuff at mine – spare shoes and a jacket so I bagged them up and sent them to him.
The next month my friend was on about her period and then it got me that I’d missed mine.
I went and got a test but actually wasn’t concerned as I’d taken the morning after pill within 12 hours of it happening.
I peed on the stick – pregnant.
I came out in a cold sweat.
I had noone I could tell.
I went doctors and told them
I didn’t want to keep it. I had to wait weeks for a referral to the family planning clinic and then weeks more for a scan. I was 9 weeks pregnant. I decided to go for a surgical termination as I didn’t want to “feel” the cramping and physically sense my baby / foetus / embryo passing.
I was a mess.
I wanted to keep my baby. But I knew I wouldn’t cope. I already had a 4 year old and a 13 month old from my mental ex.
Financially I couldn’t afford it- I was due to start college in a few months and was on income support.
I didn’t wanna be a single mum of 3 kids with two mental baby daddies.
Physically the doctors told me I would be putting my life in danger if I chose to have anymore kids , after two very complicated births with my two boys. I had complications during both labours and lost over 1 litre of blood both times due to internal bleeds.
I text Vern to tell him I was pregnant and told him I wanted to terminate. He called me a liar and said the baby (if it existed!) could be any bodies. He was vile. I knew he’d be a shit dad. Turned out that Vern wasn’t even his real name too! And he lived in a caravan with his fucking massive dog.
What a mess.
It was all my fault .
How much bad luck can one girl get? Seriously!!!!
Once I was booked in for my termination , I knew I’d have to tell my mum as I needed her to come stay at my house for 24 hours after the operation as it was a general anaesthetic .
I broke down. She broke down. Our hearts broke. But we both knew it was for the best.
I’d not intended to sleep with Vern.
I’d said no.
I’d got the morning after pill.
I was just extremely unlucky.
I thought about having the baby and giving it to a couple who desperately wanted a baby. But how could I go through a pregnancy and then hand over a baby – a baby is bonded with – my boys sibling- to a stranger?
I couldn’t. I wouldn’t.
I’d sooner die.
And that’s what almost happened.
I waited all day on a day ward – watching girls be wheeled in for their terminations.
I was last in.
I was the only one who was alone – my mum had my kids.
I was shaking as I was injected and fell to sleep.
I woke up feeling ok. I felt relieved. I felt empty.
I sat in my hospital bed with a massive sanitary towel on to soak up the blood loss.
I sat glaring at nothing.
I have never felt so alone as I did that afternoon.
Everyone was being discharged. The nurse came over to check my pad for blood loss. She lifted my limp body and rang for help. I’d had a massive bleed. I felt faint. I couldn’t go home to my kids and needed to be admitted.
I was shaking and sobbing. Blood was running down my legs. Hadn’t I been through enough? Was this punishment?
I was seen by a consultant and sent for a scan the next day – it was confirmed.
My abortion was INCOMPLETE.
Tissue from my baby hadn’t been removed. I was being poisoned from within. i was put on a drip and given meds.
I remember asking if my baby was still alive. They said definitely not.
I don’t know if I was relieved or heartbroken. I loved that baby even though it wasn’t medically a baby.
The doctors told me I’d have to have a medical abortion to remove the debris. A pessary was put inside me and I had more cramping and bleeding. I was sent for another scan. Tissue still remained.
I was on the borderline – and they decided to release me but I had to go for scans every month to monitor the amount left in.
After 6 months my body had naturally dispelled it.
It’s something I’ve came to terms with.
It wasn’t easy.
It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.
I had to sacrifice my unborn baby for my own mental health and so my kids I already had could have a better quality of life – the doctors believed I’d become clinically depressed if I continued with the pregnancy.
My family all know of the abortion now and noone judged me. They know I did it for the greater good. They know it wasn’t easy.
I haven’t had sex with any strangers since. Almost 2 years on.
My baby would of been 1 today.
It really hurts to think of it.
I try not to think of it anymore.
I went onto college and now have
My own business. My sons father doesn’t see or pay for the kids. He’s now on drugs.
I’m waiting for the right man to come along – which is why my legs are firmly closed for now.
I’ve not wrote this blog post for pro life dicks to abuse me.
I’m pro choice.
I didn’t use abortion as a method of contraception
– contraception failed me. Should I of had the baby just because the contraception failed to work?
Have I learned my lesson? Yes.
I’m not proud of myself.
But people need to know that having an abortion is not a walk in the park.
This is not a sob story.
This is my story and I thought I would share it.