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All posts for the month March, 2013

1 year old

Published March 24, 2013 by jjjemma

My baby would of been 1 today.
My baby that I aborted.
My baby that I never got
To hold.
Or feel move inside me.
My baby that I wanted to keep , yet at the same time knew I’d die if I kept.

My boys dad had just met a new girlfriend.
He rubbed his happiness in my face – whilst I struggled being a single Mum to his boys that he abandoned and didn’t see / pay for.

I was completely devestated. I met a guy. A guy off POF.
His name was Vern – he had a dog and a good job.
I like dogs and he seemed nice.
So I arranged a date with him. He said he’d pick me up and I offered for his dog to stay in my house whilst we went out as I felt bad thy the dog would be locked in his van (his housemates would t let him leave dog at home).
He came over, dropped dog off and we went for our date. He was easy to talk to and quite funny. We did shots and were having a quality night.
Anyway we went back to mine – I’d long forgotten about the kids dad upsetting me. I definately didn’t wanna sleep with Vern. I just wanted him to sleep on the sofa at worst!
So he went toilet and he was upstairs AGES so I staggered upstairs to investigate.
He was on my bed in his pants. I laughed as I was abit confused and slightly scared too.

He got up and kissed me and pushed me onto the bed and I remember saying “NO”.
I kept saying “No” as he took my clothes off but it’s like my arms were jelly.

He didnt stop.

And I fell asleep as we were having sex.

Now I’m not saying I was raped as it wasn’t violent. I’m not sure if he drugged me – I wouldn’t like to say as it sounds so “samey” to other people’s stories.

All I remember is the next day waking up naked and him trying to have sex with me again but I got straight up and said no and got showered and dressed and told him to leave.

I felt dirty and cried whilst scrubbing myself in the shower.

I headed straight to the pharmacy and got the morning after pilI and went to pick up my boys.

I text him a few days later saying I didn’t want to see him again and that I don’t usually sleep with guys on first dates! I was mortified. He’d left some stuff at mine – spare shoes and a jacket so I bagged them up and sent them to him.

The next month my friend was on about her period and then it got me that I’d missed mine.
I went and got a test but actually wasn’t concerned as I’d taken the morning after pill within 12 hours of it happening.

I peed on the stick – pregnant.

I came out in a cold sweat.

I had noone I could tell.

I went doctors and told them
I didn’t want to keep it. I had to wait weeks for a referral to the family planning clinic and then weeks more for a scan. I was 9 weeks pregnant. I decided to go for a surgical termination as I didn’t want to “feel” the cramping and physically sense my baby / foetus / embryo passing.

I was a mess.

I wanted to keep my baby. But I knew I wouldn’t cope. I already had a 4 year old and a 13 month old from my mental ex.

Financially I couldn’t afford it- I was due to start college in a few months and was on income support.

I didn’t wanna be a single mum of 3 kids with two mental baby daddies.

Physically the doctors told me I would be putting my life in danger if I chose to have anymore kids , after two very complicated births with my two boys. I had complications during both labours and lost over 1 litre of blood both times due to internal bleeds.

I text Vern to tell him I was pregnant and told him I wanted to terminate. He called me a liar and said the baby (if it existed!) could be any bodies. He was vile. I knew he’d be a shit dad. Turned out that Vern wasn’t even his real name too! And he lived in a caravan with his fucking massive dog.

What a mess.

Why me?

It was all my fault .

How much bad luck can one girl get? Seriously!!!!

Once I was booked in for my termination , I knew I’d have to tell my mum as I needed her to come stay at my house for 24 hours after the operation as it was a general anaesthetic .

I broke down. She broke down. Our hearts broke. But we both knew it was for the best.

I’d not intended to sleep with Vern.
I’d said no.
I’d got the morning after pill.
I was just extremely unlucky.

I thought about having the baby and giving it to a couple who desperately wanted a baby. But how could I go through a pregnancy and then hand over a baby – a baby is bonded with – my boys sibling- to a stranger?
I couldn’t. I wouldn’t.
I’d sooner die.

And that’s what almost happened.

I waited all day on a day ward – watching girls be wheeled in for their terminations.
I was last in.
I was the only one who was alone – my mum had my kids.
I was shaking as I was injected and fell to sleep.

I woke up feeling ok. I felt relieved. I felt empty.
I sat in my hospital bed with a massive sanitary towel on to soak up the blood loss.
I sat glaring at nothing.
I have never felt so alone as I did that afternoon.
Everyone was being discharged. The nurse came over to check my pad for blood loss. She lifted my limp body and rang for help. I’d had a massive bleed. I felt faint. I couldn’t go home to my kids and needed to be admitted.

I was shaking and sobbing. Blood was running down my legs. Hadn’t I been through enough? Was this punishment?

I was seen by a consultant and sent for a scan the next day – it was confirmed.
My abortion was INCOMPLETE.

Tissue from my baby hadn’t been removed. I was being poisoned from within. i was put on a drip and given meds.
I remember asking if my baby was still alive. They said definitely not.

I don’t know if I was relieved or heartbroken. I loved that baby even though it wasn’t medically a baby.

The doctors told me I’d have to have a medical abortion to remove the debris. A pessary was put inside me and I had more cramping and bleeding. I was sent for another scan. Tissue still remained.
I was on the borderline – and they decided to release me but I had to go for scans every month to monitor the amount left in.
After 6 months my body had naturally dispelled it.

It’s something I’ve came to terms with.
It wasn’t easy.
It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.
I had to sacrifice my unborn baby for my own mental health and so my kids I already had could have a better quality of life – the doctors believed I’d become clinically depressed if I continued with the pregnancy.

My family all know of the abortion now and noone judged me. They know I did it for the greater good. They know it wasn’t easy.

I haven’t had sex with any strangers since. Almost 2 years on.

My baby would of been 1 today.
It really hurts to think of it.
I try not to think of it anymore.

I went onto college and now have
My own business. My sons father doesn’t see or pay for the kids. He’s now on drugs.

I’m waiting for the right man to come along – which is why my legs are firmly closed for now.

I’ve not wrote this blog post for pro life dicks to abuse me.
I’m pro choice.
I didn’t use abortion as a method of contraception
– contraception failed me. Should I of had the baby just because the contraception failed to work?
No.

Have I learned my lesson? Yes.
I’m not proud of myself.
But people need to know that having an abortion is not a walk in the park.

This is not a sob story.
This is my story and I thought I would share it.
Jem xx

The end… and why

Published March 13, 2013 by jjjemma

Hi all.

I’m feeling quite charged with emotion today so i’m going to try and depict why i’m leaving twitter and not blogging again.

I don’t know where to begin… I guess i’ll tell the whole story.

So, myself and “boyband” met for lunch on pancake day last month. It went well for an initial meeting – he’s tall, funny, handsome and well, just a nice guy. Anyway, we both got really busy with life and work and we didnt meet up again untill last tuesday – for lunch again. Boyband had been out in town a few weekends in a row and had suggested meeting but i was always otherwise engaged.

So, second lunch… went REALLY well. In my opinion there was a spark and we had similar humor. I knew he liked long haired girls and i had just had mine all chopped off – but he complimented me and said he liked it. After the second lunch we spoke pretty much daily. I’ll happilly admit that i was really quite happy and excited by what may come of this. I’ve never found anyone that ticks all the boxes… and other than him being lazy with communication sometimes he was pretty much perfect.

Then last weekend i went to Butlins skegness with a group of friends. We had a brilliant time and “boyband” and myself were texting daily and exchanged some drunk texts too – which ended with me leaving him an incoherent but hilarious voicemail. We’d arranged for him to come round mine for dvd and wine – it was arranged for yesterday. I was super excited.

On the last night at Butlins an epic row broke out within my friendship group – me being in the centre of it. I was drunk for most of the holiday and actually think it turned me into a total paranoid prick. One sceaming match later and i’d almost ended a very good friendship with someone I spend alot of time with – over NOTHING.

So last night before boyband came over , I text her just saying “lets not end the friendship because of a drunk row” shes coming round mine friday and we are gonna talk and snog lol. So hopefully it will get sorted as I actually really hate confrontation. I’m too old for drama!

Back to last night – so “Boyband” came round mine at 8 and we ordered chinese and drank wine. I let him choose the dvd to watch as im so laid back im almost horizontal.

He looked proper hot when he turned up all casual chic. He’s tall he’s got a lovely smile and twinkly eyes. Well, I think that I was abit delirious from the holiday as my voice has almost gone and sounds like gravels been swallowed. I was proper hyper and talked his ears off and was joking about. Thats my persona. Im in a happy bubble and i wanna stay that way. At one point we even went through my POF and was laughing at all the “original” messeges i get. I really thought the night went well. I was comfortable in his presence and even put his size 9 hi-tops on for a lugh as i’m a size 3 and they looked hilare.

He left fairly early it was just gone 11pm. No kiss just a hug and a “see you soon”.

I text him to thank him for coming over and suggested going out at the weekend.

He text back saying “awww you’re lovely, a laugh and i enjoy your company-

this is gonna sound really poo but i’m just not sure if its romantic or mates”

😦

I kept my reply very cool and said i did wonder why he didnt kiss me.

He then said he didnt feel it appropriate to go there. he respects me blah blah blah – basically “friend-zoned” me.

He then said he thinks heis not ready or bothered with the whole dating thing and that hes sure i wont have trouble finding someone as im a top bird.

Gutted

Went to bed with the hump.

I’ve not contacted him and nor will I now.

Maybe i was too much? He did say I swore loads (but its not like he didnt!!)

Maybe it was the short hair? The honesty? Maybe he just didnt fancy me.

Maybe this was his plan all along??? – He has read these blogs remember … and he said via text that “maybe” he would be the one to put an end to my blogs… WELL HE WAS RIGHT THERE …I’ve had enough of over-sharing. He was probably scared id blog about him. Maybe he was getting revenge for all the men ive pissed off.

Maybe i’m just over thinking.

So today I give up twitter, my blog and POF.

I’m so disheartened by this guy not liking me back. It was like the final nail in the coffin for me. I feel tired. Maybe i tried to hard. I am a people pleaser. Its nice to be nice and all that.

I did a cancer patients hair at college yesterday and she was so very open with me. She spoke of how “you never think its gonna be you” and that when it hits you and you realise you may die you panic and start thinking of all the things you wished you had done.

Well that comment has got me thinking. The kids dad always checks my twitter and blog – we don’t speak so its like a psycho game we are playing. I’m always on my phone tweeting my fucking life away to people i’l probably even meet. Instead of sitting with my folks and giving them my FULL attention. Or getting down on the floor and playing with my boys. And even reading a book from start to finish… i cant remember the last time i did that. Twitter for me is like a crutch. It makes me feel loved and funny and gives me attention. I’ve turned into an attention whore with my “Look at me” pictures. The bitchiness amongst cliques is rediculous too. Drama I dont need.

My blog – the place I slate all the men that were nice enough to take me out. I come across as a manhater/eater. A frequent over-sharer.

The thing is – most of you don’t even know the actual real, vulnerable, intelligent girl behind all this.

Boybands knockback was probably the best thing he could of done. It has made me realise so much. I’m nowhere near perfect. I have so much to do with my life and actually need to start making these memories.

If i never meet the one – so what?!

Shit dates – are shit!

I give up on all for now. I’ve got to focus on my kids, my family, my friends and my business. I have to find the real me again.

I loved every second on twitter but its just the right time to make positive changes.

.

I’m not shutting this blog down or deactivating my twitter i’m just deleting the apps from my phone and you never know one day I may shock you all and come back. Maybe i’ll have a happy ending to tell you all about!

Thank you everyone for being my mates. I love you all and will miss you, but i am excited to try to live a normal life without my phone in my hand

Any comments on where i went wrong with boyband would be appreciated!

Ta ta for now

Love Jemma

xxxx