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All posts for the month October, 2012

In sickness and in health

Published October 18, 2012 by jjjemma

Wow. Tues night went to bed feeling fab. Woke up at 3am with stomach pains. Nausea. I was up for a few hours trying to decide if I needed to bob or vom. Eventually at 6 am I made myself sick an couldn’t stop all night!

At 7am it was time to get kids ready. I knew I had to sort myself out as I had an important appointment at 9.15am.
So I struggled, dry wrenching to get the boys dressed, washed and fed. Dropped Alfie in school and Archie at my dads.

Dad told me my mum was in bed with a sickness bug. Cheers then.

Once I’d finished at my appointment and collected Archie we slipped into bed until 2.45pm. I slept so well- I must be ill as I never sleep in the day. We got in the car to collect Alfie. I got to the school an realised I didn’t need to collect him for another hour as he had after school club 😦

So I thought I’d force myself to the supermarket to get some emergency supplies in.
BIG MISTAKE
Got to Tesco, rammed some soup, bread and milk in the trolley, paid in silence as I felt like death. Then took my trolley, my kid an myself to the disabled loo where I literally felt so faint I had to lay down on the bog floor!

Eventually I puked some more and after quickly washing my face, realised I had no time at all to collect Alfie.
So I pushed my big heavy trolley to the exit and got in my car.

Fuel light came on.

Stopped at the pay at pump kiosk, freezing and trying to refuel my car whilst trying to remain upright.

Finally got to the school to be ambushed by people trying to talk to me. Had to tell them I’m ill as I feared puking all over the mum brigade.
Got my eldest, got home. I had the shakes bad and hasn’t had anything to eat. So made the boys a very lame tea of toast and jam and I had 1 slice o plain toast. Felt pukey again so whacked heating on full, got my duvet and put “fred clause” DVD on. The boys were so well behaved. When that had finished we all went upstairs and I was in bed last night at 7.40pm. And that’s where I stayed until 7am this morning.

As a single parent family we have to muddle through. When I gave birth to Archie my 2 year old, Alfie was only 3 and I’d had a rough birth (episiotomy -ladies!) but within 3 days I was vacuuming the house and changing beds as it was only me available to do it. I had lost a litre of blood and had about 9 hours sleep in 4 days around the birth. I do think women are made for stuff like this. I’m still here and still smiling 🙂

My parents are fab and help but they have their own lives and they help me enough. The guilt o “putting” on people is always in my head.

This isn’t a moaning blog at all. I get ill like that 3 times a year usually. It’s an insight to a single mums plight when she gets ill.
Especially in my situation where the ex isn’t on board or even the slightest bit interested in helping out. You really do have to just get on with it and wave buh-bye to your dignity for a day or two 🙂
Jem xxx
P.s- these are what Alfie drew at school when I was poorly yest

@barbiedoll_moi

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Scared

Published October 15, 2012 by jjjemma

Scared

My dreams are extremely vivid. I dream almost every night. Sometimes , they are amazing… I’ve dreamt of winning the lottery, meeting the man of my dreams and having lovely holidays with family. Other times, and more so this past 6 months, my dreams have been haunted. Things that I am not proud of that I have done in my past have revisited me via my dreams. Lots of sad events have morphed into strange nightmares:-
My grandparents that have passed away, a baby that’s in the stars, my children’s father who I know I will probably never get “closure” from and even current people that are in my life right now have shown up to taunt me in my sleep.

I’m thinkin that this could mark the end of the crap that has followed my ass around most of my life- as if this is my brain finally processing it all and filling it under “junk”. 📁📂
I was once told I have a spiritual aura ad could tap into this if it was a path I chose. I’m scared of the bleedin’ dark, so I never looked anymore into it.
I have recognised I get a “feeling” when someone is going to pass from this world. It’s a deep,sicky, worry feeling that lurks in the pit of my stomach. I got the feeling on the day my nana and grandad died, the dad my first boyfriend lost his aunty and I got the feeling a few nights ago- the night a dear friend lost her grandmother.

I’m not sure why I’m Sharing this, I guess because its part of my story.

People always say to me “I don’t know how you do it” (-being a complete single mum / zero aid from my boys dad). I also get told numerously how “strong” I am.
Here’s the truth:

My names Jemma. I’m 27 years old. I spent my early years struggling to find who I really was. I got in with bad crowds and was a complete tosser. I spent my teens fucked up from close family dying on an annual basis. Then, wasted my early twenties allowing myself to be manipulated by a very clever and sick person. I’m now approaching my 30’s. I try to be an ace momma, but accept that I am nowhere near perfect. I try to keep my friendships close and would call myself loyal. I’ve got my act together, removed myself from negative people &treat people as I want to be treated. I have educated myself and have put my all into my career. I’m chasing my dreams. Feeling the fear and doing it anyway. I am the healthiest I have ever been and completed my fort 10k in September… But I’m still scared.

Scared of my folks dying.
Scared of failing in life, at being a mom and a citizen of the world.
Scared of not having enough money, ever meeting a life partner and scared of never feeling truly contented.
Scared of letting myself or others down and scared that they will eventually let me down!
Scared that I will never achieve my dreams.
I’m scared of fricken EVERYTHING!!!

But that’s ok cos I’ve learned to “switch” it off. To fake it.

Being a mom certainly is the hardest job in the world – I should know I’ve done soooo many jobs over the years: cook, cleaner, waitress, pot washer, telesales,singer, Dj, retail sales, manager, deputy retail manager, beautician, make up artist and hairdresser.

NEVER did I feel the guilty scared feeling that comes with being a mom!

Guilty for leavin kids and going to work / college

Guilty that I can’t afford a certain must have toy

Guilty that I can whip them up a father

Guilty that I spend too long putting make up on in the morning

Guilty for spending more time / money / cuddles on one kid instead if the other …

But !!!! I’ve realised that being scared and feeling these emotions in like is perfectly NORMAL.
They are what make us human. The important factors to remember are :-
1.) Don’t beat yourself up🔫
2.) Live each day as if its your last💀
3.) Smile😋

It doesn’t cost a thing to smile. A smile can often counteract the fear or “scared” and if all else fails remember

❤SOMEONE LOVES YOU❤

🎶🎵-jlo was correct “love don’t cost a thing” 🎤

So next time you feel scared, do what I do- use it as the fuel to fire your drive 🙂
Love y’all,
Jem xxx
Xxx
@barbiedoll_moi

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The truth about love is….

Published October 6, 2012 by jjjemma

The truth about love is…

On my “quest” to find the elusive (and non-existent) ‘ONE’, i’ve began to notice relationships that people are in around me. They mostly (not all!) follow this pattern:
1.) Meet vía social networking media (Book of Face, Twitter, Plenty of Fucks (fish) and various other dating sites).
2.) Have some amazing dates and start gushing to mates about new wonderful person that you have quite literally “found”.
3.)Realise that said “found” new lover has told you a couple of porkies (lies).
4.)Start to cover up porches for new social media bf/gf and make excuses that seem acceptable.
5.)Argue. Lots
6.)Go on holiday, have amazing time and all badness is forgotten. Begin to plan a future.
7.)The female gets impregnated.
8.) Couple are happy to announce expectant baby all over the internet.
9.)Male in the relationship goes off the rails and cheats when pregnant lady is at home.
10.)Baby is born and all badness is forgotten.
11.)Male cheats again within 8 weeks of baby being born
12.)Female suspects cheating and does exactly the same
13.)Massive epic fights – sometimes violent
14.)Kids get fucked up by fucked up parents
15.) Everyone lives unhappily ever after. THE END.

I’ve seen this story and variations of this story happen too many times over the past 2 years. To real life friends and social media folk. Its made me realise that is “looking” for a man / women ever a healthy thing to do long term??

Another observation that has stayed with me is this;
“When a baby is born, the relationship between a man and a woman breaks down”.

I’ve experienced this first hand – i had my first baby with the so called – love of my life (Ha!) when i was 21 years old. He changed almost instantly towards me. He stopped kissing me, cuddling me and the only time we were intimate was when he fancied abit! When i had my second baby with him, he legged it at top speed and was fucking anything with a pulse in Nottingham (see DJ – in previous blogs). Now , don’t get me wrong, i am not blaming my babies for the relationship breakdown AT ALL! It was mainly the DJ’s fault and the rest was mine. He had a bad track record with women and my body changed from a pert 20 year olds to a whale in the space of 9 months – he was shocked, i was shocked and then – once the baby is out, the woman is left tearful, tired and stuck with the body of a deflated balloon. Yes, babies are soooo cute and i wouldn’t change anything about mine- HOWEVER – a baby is for life , not just for christmas…. and it means you’ll always have a tie with the other parent for the rest of your life!!!!

One of my friends, had a baby with a guy after over 5 years together. She thought she couldd trust him implicitly. He had even took on her child which she had from another relationship. So when the time came for them to have a baby together, she was relaxed about it and thought she had nothing to worry about. Baby arrived, and the dirty little bastard started up 1 affair (that she knows of) with a work colleague.

Another lady friend i know has a turbulent relationship with her fella, they already had 5 kids between them from past failed relationships. They planned a baby and she got the little girl she’d always dreamed of – after having two strapping boys. In my opinion they are as bad as each other. She let him see her give birth to their baby when he was coked up to the eyeballs after a 2 day bender. He went out to wet the babies head – for 3 days! She keeps letting him back with feeble excuses of “i love him” , “i can help him”, “he’s told me some bad shit he has never told anyone”, “i need help with the baby” and the most recent was “I need him to finish off the decorating!!!”.

People need to get respect for themselves, each other and most of all the children. We need to take it back to the old school where men were gentlemen (hold doors, pull out chairs – easy on the swears) and gals need to be more ladylike (no one night stands – sends out the wrong signal AND no ; you are not “one of the lads” YOU ARE A LADY!!! FFS!!!

My parents had epic rows when we were kids- she walked out a couple of times (for about 6 hours) , but dad and her always worked it through and they worked TOGETHER. They compromised and 45 years since they first met… this year, they celebrated their ruby wedding anniversary (40 years!). I wrote in their anniversary card of how proud i am to have parents that are still together.

I’m open to this thing we call love, but not searching or expecting…

In the words of one of my favourite singers:

The truth about love is … its all a lie

listen to this – says it all

“Love”, Jem x
@Barbiedoll_moi

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