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All posts for the month August, 2012

Good riddance to bad rubbish :)

Published August 21, 2012 by jjjemma

The lying toe rag

So the dj has been issued with a harassment warning … Which means he cannot communicate with me in any way shape or form. The police have been round today to say that he has made a counter-harassment claim against me.
I had to sign a piece of paper saying I would not contact him again – or I will face arrest! Laughable when I am too busy dealing with that CUNTS kids to be bothered about “harassing” a waste of air like him!!
I’ve added the warning to the huge pile of failings the dj from Nottingham has done to me that iv filed under the letter “d” for DICKWAD.
The DNA tests, the court letters from when he strangled me, the silly letter he left the day after he found out I was pregnant with our first child, every single indecent photograph he has ever sent to me etc etc. Yes Mr DJ … I saved them all!!!!! THE POLICE HAVE SEEN YOUR MEDIOCRE COCK PICK WITH TWEED WAISTCOAT ON THAT YOU SENT 3 weeks ago after a coke binge you little DOG.
To be fair to the police officer he was great with me. He even asked what I saw in dj!!! Haha!!! He told me any contact made by dj from now on is to be reported immediately and the scum bag will be arrested. I knew dj would pull something out of his flailing bag of tricks. But I have nothing to hide and nothing to fear ๐Ÿ™‚ and that feels fandabidozee !!!!

Apparently he rode over to Leicester police station today on his old motorbike- the one he said he had sold cos he couldn’t afford to keep it (oh *yawn* yet another blag) , for his formal cautioning ๐Ÿ™‚

The police officer also told me that dj has been reading my blog as “apparently” (according to dj) I posted the link to my blog on HIS Facebook (the same Facebook that we blocked each other on).
More like- dj stalks my every move and maybe even follows some of my followers under an alias – so that when I changed my twitter @ name , he could just stalk one of my regular folk I chat to to work out my new name —-not brain science. Plus my blog is linked to my twitter.

It doesn’t bother me that he reads my twitter and blog. I bet he hates me more cos he can see I’ve moved on , and ain’t the pathetic sap he moulded me into NO MORE.
The only thing that I do wonder is this: he has had no time for either of my boys since day one- so why waste time voyering on my social networks prickface?

Love to you all (except mr DJ dickwad)
Jemma x

P.s Here is a collection of pics from my amazing year so far

P.p.s : my love for the gym came from my hate I felt for you (to push myself an extra rep or two I think of you naked ewww *retches*

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Crossroads

Published August 20, 2012 by jjjemma

Cross roads

So today’s first blog of the week is about my life (no surprise there!)

I’m at a complete crossroads in my life , professionally and personally.
Last year I trained as a level 2 hairdresser and 2 years prior I was awarded my level 3 in Beauty sciences (all destination levels). I love hair and beauty, but I always thought I’d end up teaching. To teach, would mean going to uni and putting life on hold for 3 years. As the sole parent of two young boys, I can’t imagine juggling them, child care, study, uni and life – not to mention being skint for years.

So I applied to do my level 3 at college in hairdressing. I was told I’d get funding, but now the government has changed legislation which means I may get no help with child care and have to find ยฃ800 in study fees – not gonna happen :/

The other option is to go completely self employed and build up a business from nothing. It’s a terrifying leap that I may now be forced into. But I refuse to sit at home for a year on benefits whilst I wait for my youngest to get his government funded child are when he turns 3 . Although I’m sure many single mums wouldnt mind chilling for a year- its not for me. I wouldn’t want to waste a year doing nothing.

So today I’m emailing various salons and oap homes to see if they need a hairdresser. I will do this. I CAN do this.

My personal crossroads is, I’ve decided to come off POF which means – zero dates for me. Will he ever find me?
Plus, my 6 year old is really testing me over the summer holidays. This morning hasnt been a good start to the week. He has been assessed for autism last year and I was told that no – he wasn’t on the autistic spectrum. His consultant doesn’t believe their is anything wrong with him (other than behavioural difficulties) – but that’s mainly because my 6 y/o is a complete angel in front of the doctor.
What concerns me most is that two of my uncles were what was known as then as “backwards” , now called “learning difficulties” – neither can read or write and both have very immature mental ages. My brother has had alot of behavioural difficulties growing up and was never diagnosed with anything.
I’m really praying that the last two years of bad bad behaviour is just “growing pains” and may even be trauma from his dad leaving. The doctors tell me to keep doing what I am doing. The support and advice I’ve received from them is minimal. Sometimes I don’t know the right way to do stuff. Kids don’t come with a manual.

Really this post is abit of a life moan…. Blurb… Oh I don’t know. I’ve got it out now and must continue to push forward.

Success doesn’t happen from being still
Jem x

Ps: I have just been talking with a girl from college and we are meeting Wednesday to talk business ideas and merging, as she has projects lined up ๐Ÿ™‚ eeee:) see – it’s not what to know / it’s WHO you know
X

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The ghost of relationship past

Published August 17, 2012 by jjjemma

I went away to help a friend in need for a few days. Quick synopsis is, she has 3 kids – 2 from one relationship and a new baby with fiancรฉ… Who is a tosser. He went on a bender and so she went on her first ever holiday alone as a single Mum with an 8 week old baby.

Here is where I come in — she was scared and rang me for reassurance , iv been away numerous times alone with my boys an it can be lonely so I offered to go visit her at Skegness and ended up staying the night and spending the next day going round skegvegas “hotspots”.

Skegness is a two hour drive for me. It’s somewhere me and the ex used to randomly road trip to for a bag of chips on the beach and play in the arcade. Everywhere I looked today there were reminders:
-the beach, where we kissed and cuddled on one of our last days out together, a sort of farewell road trip
-The chippy opposite the beach where we shared many evenings eating the battered crap and huddled together on cold autumn nights
-The amusements, where we spent many an hour playing on the monopoly game trying to beat it
-The clubhouse he took me too whilst he fixed up some new parcan lights and speakers
-even the journey home route back to Leicester passes where he lives, Nottingham. Followed by burton on the wolds (where we was going to move together).

I don’t know if all this has came out due to me being counsellor and confidantรจ for my newly single parent friend. But I really felt sad.

But I couldn’t cry. In the car I was driving, my kids were asleep and I could of but they wouldn’t come out. So I think I’m over it all.
He was a cunt (see prev blogs)
And I dont want him. I think it’s the old memories plus talking about men being cunty followed by the doubt that I’ll ever see his face again.

I had to have a harassment warning issued against him so that I can move on !!!
The father of my kids, the drug abuser, the girlfriend abuser and all round loser.

He was right. Everytime I look at my kids I’ll be reminded of him….

But only cos he has missed all the boys “firsts”. Let me do it alone. They are perfect. He messed up. Big time.

And I don’t know if I can trust a man ever again.

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1+1=dumb

Published August 13, 2012 by jjjemma

So I’m gonna blog about two men last weekend that left my life as soon as they came into it.

So … First one was damion – a 25 year old off plenty of fish. He messenged me only a couple of times before asking me out for some dinner and asked when I was free. He was 6ft tall, dark haired and his pictures looked nice. So I thought “why not?!”. I explained that I had friends down at the weekend but then after chatting to my mates they suggested asking him to meet us for a drink (which also meant I don’t meet wired Internet guys alone! BONUS). To my surprise damion (I know let’s not go there with the god /hell jokes) , said yes and we arranged to meet. Just before we walked into the bar iPad a horrible feeling in my gut and didn’t wanna meet him. Gut instinct. My mates thought it was just nerves and to my surprise my mates spotted damo before I did.
FUCK he had BAD hair! He looked good from the front but gel overload and fin spokes at the back … Eeww. And looked like a child. Anyway we were chatting and I tried to make a bad situation good. My female friend offered us a drink and to my surprise the cunt accepted without hesitation. No offer of getting us one. It clearly states on my profile that I want a gentleman ffs!!!
Anyway… In the next bar he then followed us to, he got just me and him a drink – didn’t even offer to get my mates one back!!! I was mad, my mates were mad. He shouldn’t of accepted a drink if he didn’t intend to buy one back?!!! Plus on a first date the man should always try to pay even if he never plans to splash the cash again! Tightwad cunt. So me and my mates met near the loos and I said I’d had enough of making small talk with the idiot… He was asking loads of questions about my kids dad (see previous blog post for low down on that cunt too). Luckily. Emma my knight in shinning armour got rid of him. Yes we had to be rude but to be honest he was rude too soon point wasting anymore of the evening on him.

Then we went to a club.
Que dickhead number 2. The doorman. Now me and the doorman have abit of history. We have known each other for 5 years. I dated him for a short time on one of the many “breaks” I was having with the boys dad when he was around-ish. The doorman and me drifted apart as we both had unsettled shit with our exes whom we both had children with. However, the doorman would take me home , sleep over (no sex at all) , cuddle me all night and leave the next day and I’d never see him until the next time I was drunk and out. We used to kiss and cuddle but let me stress… We NEVER had any sexual contact… No groping, no tongue snogs, no sexy time. He was a gent and never took advantage of me when I was drunk. Which made me like him even more.
Well about two years ago, I took him back to mine after some dirty chav bit his face whilst doorman was throwing him out the club. I cleaned up his face and it hit me. I loved this man. I asked him to stay (as he had so many times). But this time he said no. He had to go…. I started to cry and admitted I loved him. He walked out as soon as I said it and left me crying.
So I avoided him for a year.
Got over it, as you do.
I was out at Christmas for the college girls Xmas do. We ended up at that bastard club and I was pissed. We couldn’t take our eyes off each other. It was always like that. He was the only one in the room and I know he felt the same. But he was holding holding back. As I got more and more drunk I noticed he kept talking to women, he had a little fan club of little girls in little outfits, hugging and kissing him! I was proper fucked off. I went over to “chat” and called him a nob, to which he called me a dirty little slag… And we didn’t speak since. Iv been in that club numerous times since completely blanked the twat

UNTIL Saturday night. He spotted me the second I walked in. I could feel his eyes burning into me.i wasn’t drunk at all so in control of myself. And I knew I looked the best shape iv looked for years. Working out has made me more body confident DEFINATELY!! For over an hour I blanked him. Kept feeling his eyes on me but was too busy dancing and bumped into an old girl I knew from school, so was chatting for abit.
I went to the ladies and when I came out , he was there , leaning against the wall with an almost shy smile on his face. He has great teeth. Mixed race, muscly etc. he grabbed me straight away and kissed my cheek, i smelt his familiar Clinique aftershave and melted altitude bit…okay…alot!
So, we chatted for a good ten minutes, whilst he was working. He spoke about his little boy and I showed him a picture of my boys and how they look now. He said he never stopped loving me…. “whaaaaat?!!!!!!” he FUCKING SAID HE LOVED ME!???!????
I kept it together and just told him he never gave it a chance and he said he hated women. I told him how iv not slept with anyone for over a year and my reasons behind it. He was impressed. But before the convo got awkward I gave him a peck on his cheek and said I’d see him later.
Later on me and my male friend (who was shit faced ) sat and was trying to take pictures of two larger than life creatures making out in a dark booth. I tried to beckon the doorman over to laugh with him and get them removed as they were humping abit. The doorman took all this the wrong way and thought I was sitting next to my boyfriend (wrong) , was taking the piss out of him (wrong) and trying to wind him up (wrong!) for fuck sake. So he came over, whispered in my ear “I’m not playing this game” and shouted to my male mate – “take care of her mate , she’s special”. WHAT!!!!
So I thought fuck you and we went to play on a games machine. The room in the club we was in was closing but I still had 50p credit in my “deal or no deal” game – which I was not gonna leave :). So me andmy male pal were playing on this machine and doorman had the cheek to try to get us to leave. I said we were just finishing out game and then jokingly said “what ya gonna do if i don’t leave?” and winked. He cracked a smile and I explained he’d got the wrong end of the stick. To which he announced to my mate “im in love with this girl and have been for years” OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!! AGAIN!!!!! He then whipped out his phone and got his number up and told me to put it in my phone.
I made sure I entered the digits properly and got my mate to double check. I liked him mucho.
Well, I text him that evening saying i thought what he said in front of my mate was lovely . No reply. Left it till 3pm the next day and sent him a message just saying I’m disappointed he never got back to me . And I am. But then again I’m not… Cos he would always be like this and iv had enough of unobtainable men.

So I’m back to being me again. No dates lined up and seriously considering saying buh-bye to the aquatic dating site i call plenty of fucks.

After 3 longs years of being out of a relationship I’m longing for a mate I can warm my cold feet on, in time for winter. We can’t rush these things -I know. But I’ve been sooooo patient! I even dated a guy with zero personality and a receding hairline for gawds sake. But as the dating commandments states “thou shalt not be desperate”… I think the time has come to withdraw (pardon the pun) from actively seeking males.
You dicks can find me, in the corner with my wine, fags and weights:)

Ps… We got a pic of the dude Damion before I sacked it off … Here it is ๐Ÿ™‚
๐Ÿ’‹๐Ÿ˜˜๐Ÿ’”

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What is love

Published August 6, 2012 by jjjemma

What is love?

Ive spent the last 11 years of my life searching for love. I can honestly say I don’t believe iv ever been “in love”. Personally , I believe you can love many people (and if you have this honour then you are lucky!)…. But I choose to believe we find one true match in life.
Let me explain myself before the pessimists storm my page!!!! I DON’T believe in “the one” theory, but I do believe that we each find one great match in our lifetime. Nothing pre-empt such as “god made us in two parts” or “other half” bullcrap – just that some people are better suited than others:)

Lets look at my relationship history- my first ever boyfriend, Ricardo, he was a year my senior, Portuguese, short (5ft 6), olive skin, dark hair, funny and kind. We got our own flat after dating for 3 months and before we’d even slept together! I lost my virginity to that boy, in our own place, in our own bed and totally in love (or so I thought). I was a young girl, believed in everybody being nice people and very naive. He was a good man, wouldnt hurt a fly and worshipped the ground I walked along. I discovered that he had told me Lies – usually they were only to protect me or when he’d given his family money and didn’t want to upset me.
Ric and myself lasted almost 2 years before the cracks began to show. He was stifling me, always with me,never gave me space and I realised I did not like it. LOVE DOES NOT SUFFOCATE !!!!We were on a break when the next guy turned my eye…

This man, (little did I know) would turn out to be the father of my children. So, to re-cap, I was 19 years of age, I’d just lost my final grandparent to cancer and was on a break from my childhood sweetheart and first ever relationship. I was drinking heavily, smoking excessively and working 50+hours a week in a managerial retail role to keep a roof over my head, now that I had made Ric move out of our flat.

I used to go bowling every sunday night. There was always karaoke and a dj on playing cheesy tunes. This very dj my friends and I used to rip to shreds cos he was old, fat and a complete knob.
One particular sunday evening, i was drinking to get rid of anxiety. I had a sale launch at work the following morning, my area manager hated me, Ric was bombarding me with calls and texts begging for another chance at our relationship and I realised that I wasn’t in love with him anymore (that’s assuming that I ever was!)
I was up on karaoke, drunkardly screetching along to Whitney and found myself flirting with the fat/old/ugly/cringy dj?! He slipped me his card before I left.
Looking back…. The dj who was 10 years my senior saw an opportunity to manipulate a young teenage girl and ran with it (he admitted my theory was correct years later).
The next day on my break from my stressy job, I found my hungover, lonely self texting the dodgy dj. our “relationship” escalated pretty intensely from that first text.
We text and spoke on the phone all day and all night. He told me he still lived with his ex as they had a 12 y/o daughter and he was looking for his own place near her school. I was 19. I had no reason to disbelieve this. He drew the line at texting when he was at home – and he used to send me a messege saying he was going into “stealth-mode” , which basically meant “do not text”. The next time we met was when I was in Nottingham for a girly evening out. We bumped into each other at a bar that he was dj-ing in and I was drinking in. I got drunk and ended up snogging his face off. He was backing off from me , I wasn’t used to this, so I chased him harder.
Years later- he admitted that night was the night his “ex” told him she was 6 weeks preg with their second child. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

I didn’t know this at the time and we eventually planned our first date;the zoo. We had such a great time. He was funny but not all over me. When he touched my hand it was electric. I was 19 years old and was on a date with an actual MAN!!! I felt SO grown up. But still, this dj was not that into me!? What was going on?! So, not long after our first date, I slept with the dj in my quest to make him like me. I’d only ever slept with one man before him in my life an was very inexperienced. I found myself having feelings for the dj that I had never felt for Ricardo : longing, knots in my tummy and feeling sick most of the time- almost as if I was onthe verge of a panic attack constantly! I knew something wasn’t right… I’d only ever see the dj on his terms, he rarely stayed over at my flat and would shower immediately after sex an leave. He guarded his phone with his life, he hadn’t found his own place and we’d been seeing each other almost a year and I’d never met his family. I started to realise I was wasting my time. Id never said “I love you”. Neither had he. He kept breaking up with me and then saying he couldnt be without me. I was a mess. I started applying for jobs abroad and filling in applications to work in entertainment venues with kids.
This is when he panicked – that night he sat on my sofa, admitted his ex and him made a baby and she was due to give birth any day. He was broken. He told me he loved me and told me he expected nothing. He told me he’d never expected to find me and that I was his one. And that if I was patient and loved him too, that we could be together one day soon after the baby was born.
I was shocked, upset, relieved and happy all at the same time. This explained why he had been back and forth / on and off with me! He didn’t know how to tell me he had got his ex pregnant after a last ditch attempt to save their relationship with a “band aid baby”. In my 20 year old head I was mostly thinking “HE LOVES ME!!”
So we kept going round in circles , arguing, making up, clinging onto the love we thought we’d found. The night his baby was born, I was with him at a massive party he was djing at in London. He smoked a cigar and forced my hand onto his dick saying “who’s the daddy” . I felt sick and devastated. That was the night I grew up and realised he’d made a life with a girl he’d been with for 10years. I ended it that evening and cried for the 2 hour journey back to Leicester. I didn’t think I’d see him again. I’d lost my baby because he gave another woman a baby.

I had a breakdown. I didnt stop crying for days. Mum took me doctors and I was signed off work for two weeks with depression. I moved back home for this time. I felt like the young girl I was again. I logged onto my hotmail when I was back home. Fatal mistake. He was signed in a his profile picture was of his newborn baby. I sent him a message saying “she’s beautiful”. He immediately responded with “so are you x”. And so the game began. He started seeing me again. And breaking up with me when the guilt got too much. I was wising upto the fact that he was undoubtably sleeping with myself and the mother of his children. I was fallin out of love with him but completely addicted to “winning the game” or “winning” him. Everytime the dj dumped me or went on a wobble , I’d go out and get drunk. Then one night after a particularly bad row where he told me I was and always would be “nothing”, I did something I never thought I’d do. I had a one night stand. The day following I sat at work feeling disgusted with myself and crying. The dj was mortified at his disgusting behaviour during the previous evenings rant. And we made up. I made a vow never to tell him about my one night stand. The following week, I got dumped again, so I had a one night stand again. I was on a one way route to self destruction. I didn’t want or even like the men I slept with. I did it because I craved affection.
A few months later, the dj started spending more time with me. I was applying for jobs singing abroad again. I wante out of the circle of self destruct and he knew it. The night I was in my bed applying for these jobs was the one and only night we slept together and used No contraception-he knew what he was doing. 6 weeks later I realised id missed a period. A few days before I was 21. I took a pregnancy test in the toilets of the broadmarsh shopping centre whilst the dj was fitting a sound system in a shop. I didn’t mention a single thing to him as obviously I didn’t think for one second I’d see those two lines appear. How wrong was I. I was scared. I didn’t want to be a mum. Especially with a man who was so unreliable. I spoke to my mum primarily , an she assured me that she’d always help if I chose to keep the baby. Two days later, I received an email offering me a job on a cruise ship singing. I knew my decision had been made. I declined the job and nervously told the dj as we went to bed that evening. He was SO happy! He told me he couldn’t wait to e a “proper dad” this time. I fell asleep the happiest girl in the world that night.
The next day I got back to my flat to discover the dj’s things had gone and a note by my pc saying ” sorry I can’t do this I love My daughters too much”.
Devastated wasn’t the word. I wished at that moment I was dead.
I was in a pokey flat, no heating, in the roughest part of town, pregnant, 21 and totally alone.

I soon pulled my socks up and got on with making the most of a bad situation. I Even came round to the idea of being a single mum. The dj came back, of course, when I was 6 months pregnant he finally left his other family and we got a house together. He wouldn’t come home when expected and sometimes didn’t return home at night. After 6 weeks of hell I went through the idiots phone and discovered he’d been meeting several teenage girls. At this point he was 31 and I was 21 (past it in his eyes!) I walked out of the house into the pouring rain, 8 months pregnant ad again alone.
I moved out – the dj told me if I took any stuff from our house he would have me arrested and gave all our furniture to his other ex (the one with two of his kids).

I got my own place, worked fucking hard and furnished my house on
My own. After our son was born the dj demanded not 1, but 2 DNA tests (didn’t want to believe Alfie was his). We were beyond help at this point and he didn’t help much with the newborn. I was my worst fear – a single mum. A bout of domestic violence ensued shortly afterwards which led to dj strangling me in our bed and being convicted of assault against me.
When Alfie was 3, the arguing stopped and me and dj tried to amicably get along for the sake of our kid. He started watching alf at my house whilst I went out. I eventually met a wonderful man called Andy who was EVERYTHING I wanted: smart, funny, gorgeous, fit, own house, Porsche and loved kids and animals. One night I returned from a lovely date with my Andy an was beaming. This guy was perfect. The dj knew he’d lost me. He panicked and declared he was still in love with me and through his tears told me I was the girl he wanted to marry and have babies with and die with – everything I always wanted with him , he basically turned aroun and promised me that evening. I ended it with perfect Andy as I wanted to try again with dj so that I wasn’t a single mum and so tht Alfie had his dad everyday. 2 months later, in september 2009, dj ended it with me once an for all – declaring “I’ve tried and I just dont love you”. Dread filled me and I hurried top speed in the middle f the night to get a pregnancy test. I knew. As the test said “pregnant – 4weeks” , I vomitted into the sink. I decided to have a termination. I don’t want another baby on my own. I was scared. My mum helped so much with Alfie , I dont want to burden them further. Or to go through a pregnancy alone again. I told the dj I was pregnant who immediately declared ” it’s not mine, I had a vasectomy” WTF?! I’d slept with nobody else in over 4 years!!!! When it came to the termination- I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t kill Alfie’s brother or sister. A baby made through no fair of its own. I had that baby and named him Archie. I went through the pregnancy alone and when I was giving birth I rang the dj to invite him to the life event , in which he declined an hung up. Since then he has been back once to see the kids last November – he begged for the chance to be a dad to the boys and after discussing with family I gave him the chance (which he blew). He wanted me back. I said no. He fucked off again.
He doesn’t pay for the boys and he isn’t on the boys Birth certificates as he refused to be put on without DNA tests (I refused to do a DNA on the youngest boy). But the circles never end. He doesn’t send birthday or Xmas cards / gifts for the boys and isn’t interested in them. Yet still insists on abusing my phone everytime he is indulging in his new addiction – cocaine . His vulgarity is unbelievable and has led me to ask the police for help. A harrassment order is now in place and I’m free at last. after 8 hard years.

So you see, I don’t think that was love with the dj either as to me if felt like a mixture of manipulation, games and obsession.

It’s made me cautious about love. I think it does happen when you don’t expect it. I do enjoy dating though and see no harm in doing so.

I hope I get to experience love that does not anger, does not boast and always perseveres ๐Ÿ™‚

Do not settle for what doesn’t feel perfect.