Farewell my friends!

Published September 23, 2015 by jjjemma

So this blog came to me today as my tired mind was doing its usual epic job of overthinking.
For now this is my swan song. The final blog about love and dating that I may ever write.

I sat last night , in the small hours re-reading some of my previous entries. Some made me smile, most made me feel sad. I was so desperate to find someone to keep that I dated anyone who was willing. I tried my very best to not be a “shallow hal”. I didn’t discriminate or judge a man by his job or baggage. Unfortunately, I did discover that I was picky to a fault. The smallest thing would put me off a guy and once I felt that, there was no way back for the poor fools!

Reading about the DJ for example, made me starkly aware of how badly I was once treated. I wrote about him as if it almost didn’t happen to me. Blogging my innermost thoughts during times of sadness was always cathartic in my recovery – of getting over my latest fling.

I realised that when I am upset my emotions are extreme. The amount of men I thought I was “falling for”, but didn’t realise until after it was over, was stupendous. I think the emotions I held were fears of never finding the illusive “one”. The pressures I put myself under made my head hurt. I didn’t love any of them.

I know this now, because, I can confirm, I am in love. Obviously I don’t want to reveal everything because matters of the heart are very personal. For once in my life I feel like I’m accepted for who I am. I respect his patience with me so much. Meeting him has confirmed my worst fear, I am damaged from my serial dating.
We met via good old POF. Yet, we didn’t chat much beforehand. His pictures blew me away. Gorgeous and muscle honed, I was a little apprehensive about meeting him as he looked too good for me.

How could I of got to this point where I thought someone was too good for me? I’m confident, I run a successful business, I’m a mum and dad and I’m popular. Serial dating, ebbed away away my self confidence. It destroyed my belief in love and still makes me question so much on a daily basis.

The man who stole my heart is called Lee. He isn’t perfect, but then who is? Yet, what I will say is, he knows how to handle me. He lets me tell my unfunny jokes and despairs at my silliness I’m sure. The one thing that sets him apart from every other man, is that he is tactile. I’m not used to such affection. He kisses and touches me all the time and makes me feel beautiful. With him, I feel safe.

We had a bumpy start as we arranged 3 separate dates that I cancelled last minute due to being apprehensive. I didn’t want to waste my time dating a pretty boy who only had love for himself. For some reason, my guy persisted. I gave in, and met him in a local bar. Literally, from the second I saw him my gut flipped. All rules went out of the window. He made me dizzy. I was going to try and portray myself as a normal human being (anyone who half knows me, knows I’m crazy). I was rambling on about God knows what and I noticed his facial expression – bemused. I bet the poor fella wondered what the hell had hit him 😂.
It was a really good date and from then on we’ve seen each other as much as we could.

We have one rule : honesty.

I would rather be hurt with the truth than ruined with a lie.

The rule has caused us to cross words on more than one occasion, but I really need something real and honest in my life after years of fakes and lies.

I first realised a few weeks ago during a Foo Fighters gig how I felt. I remember the moment. He stood behind me, we had been kissing, the band was playing and he had his arms around me. I felt at peace with my past and 100% happy in that moment in time. I wish we could record moments like that and relive them❤️. I guess that’s why memories are treasured.

I am yet to tell him how I feel. He asked me last week if I had felt like saying “I love you” to him. He caught me off guard and I’d had a stressy day, so I immediately closed off and said no. He seemed taken aback and admitted he had felt like saying it a few times.

The thing about love is it gets passed around so freely that people get heartbroken on the regular. I know how I feel I just don’t know how to say it. I feel like admitting I love him will diminish the mystery and spark we have. Additionally, I haven’t said those 3 important words to anyone in over 7 years. I’m completely out of my comfort zone with love. it both terrifies and excites me.

Send me on a first date and I’ll fly. Admitting my feelings after years of burying my heart is tough. I don’t want to lose what I have with Lee, I want us to build, I want us to grow. I want it all. So I know that I am going to have to brave at some point soon and profess my love.
Has anyone else had this problem?

I’ve also noticed that since realising that I love this man, I’ve felt super anxious. I feel like he’s gonna get bored of me and leave. Maybe it’s because I’m out of my comfort zone now. I’m in unknown waters. I don’t know what the hell I am actually doing 🙈. I have, however, decided that I need to just take a chance and not overthink it. To lose yourself in another person is something that I am unfamiliar with.

I don’t feel that he is out of my league anymore – I never really bought into that league shite anyway. We are all humans looking for a spark. I found the spark and it has ignited fireworks.

My advice to other serial daters?
💗 Don’t waste time on people you aren’t attracted to. Attraction is key from the offset.
💗Don’t spend too much time texting beforehand – it ruins the mystery.
💗 Do be yourself – if you’re a geek , embrace that !
And finally (one I need to remember too)…
💗 Do not waste your time being sad about stuff that hasn’t happened – one life, seize the day and live for the moment.

I want to thank every single one of you who has taken time to read my disasters and given me sound advice when needed. I got to my destination in the end, even though it was a bumpy road.❤️

I’m happy and in love for the first time in my adult life. Real, honest, true love. I’ve felt things I didn’t know I held inside me. I trust another human being implicitly. It feels both unbelievable and electrifying. I’m still learning to swot away those demons that I’ve carried on my shoulders for years. Every day is progress and every smile is worth it.

Does love last forever? Does it matter?

Take a chance and you just never know.

Lots of love,
Jemma xxxx

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Ooops I did it again

Published March 16, 2015 by jjjemma

Hey guys,

so, I haven’t blogged in forever. I’ve been having a blogging break… Its done me good and I have been able to date and not over analyse things, which has been brilliant.

I have a few new updates but I will begin with my latest dating mishap. It may be a long post , so grab a cuppa and get yourself comfortable.

I briefly wrote about this man last year – he was a lad that used to come into a cob shop that I worked in when i was 16/17 years old. I always thought he was really cute looking but extremely shy. I left the cob shop after about a year and never saw him again. For the benefit of the blog I shall name him cob shop boy.

Fast forward to August of last year. We matched on Tinder. I recognised him, we added each other on facebook and exchanged numbers. We went on a casual date at a local pub and had a kiss in the car park. he then came round my house a few times for a coffee and a chat. I had been dicked around alot last year by internet men, so I was little withdrawn and not really open to the possibility of letting another man in. We didn’t sleep together or anything, but he did meet my kids (as a friend) and I did really like him. Unfortunately, a few weeks into it all, he went silent! I asked him what was wrong via text and he said that he didn’t feel a spark with me. I felt let down and deflated but cest la vie! I got over it and got back on the dating horse. A month later, cob shop boy was in a relationship on Facebook with a brunette. I felt angry and played but I never said anything as I felt it was pointless. I resigned myself to the fact that he was probably multiple dating and I wasn’t the chosen one as i didn’t have sex with him fast enough or whatever.

Zoom forward to Febuary this year. I received a text from cob shop boy asking how I was and asking about who had inked my tattoo. I replied and gave him the info he wanted and we exchanged a few more friendly texts. It was nice, I smiled. I remembered he had a girlfriend so it was all just friendly stuff.

Later that day, out of the blue, he rang me. My phone was ringing and his name was flashing up. I wondered whether I should answer, but to be honest, curiosity got the better of me. I answered. We chatted for ages and it was like last years bitterness hadn’t even happened. He joked that he had booked his new tattoo in and asked if i would go along to hold his hand. I replied saying that i would go along but to take pictures and film his crying pained face.

I decided to mention the girlfriend – to which he replied that he had broken up with her ages ago. When i inquired why, he said it was because she was always skint. Which I kind of thought was abit of a weird reason to be honest. If you love someone then why would you be bothered by money? She was also a single mum. It all kind of fell into place though – as he had started to “like” some of my posts on Facebook in recent weeks, after months of nothingness. I asked why he sacked me off last time and he said that it wasn’t because we didn’t have a spark it was because i was unresponsive to kisses etc… he called me a statue! we were taking the piss out of each other and being daft and he said he thought i was sexy and didn’t understand why i didn’t feel it! We eventually rang off the call and i had that strange excited feeling. I was beaming. I didn’t hear from him again.

That saturday night, i went out and had a few wines, I had been thinking of cob shop boy all week. I really found him attractive and I enjoyed the way that conversation flowed easily. I got brave and sent him a text. the conversation went something like this:

me: I may have had a few wines and be abit tipsy, but i’ve been thinking, do you wanna start again?

He replied straight away!!!!

him: i don’t see why not 🙂 where has this came from?

me: I was just thinking about you since our phone call in the week, why was you not thinking the same?

him: I was, but I just thought that ship had sailed

etc etc

Anyway, i fell into a drunk coma and in the morning woke up to a text from him asking how my head was. I woke up and remembered the text exchange from the night before. I replied saying i was alright and that what i said still stood. My phone began to ring, it was him!!!! FUCK!

I picked up and we was chatting away. We spoke about our plans for the day and I told him I was getting dressed so that I could go and collect my boys from my mums. We hung off the call and i was grinning like a cheshire cat, dancing around my room like I was in some sort of Katy Perry pop music video!

5 minutes later he called again! Mr Keen!!!

He asked what time was I picking the kids up, I said whenever I wanted. He said, “okay well i’m on my way round, put the kettle on”

FARKKKK! So, within minutes he was at my house, we had a coffee and sat and joked. Conversation was always easy and he seemed to like my quirky sense of humour. He got me, and I liked that. Being accepted for who you are and actually liked for it, is a rarity in the dating world. As he was leaving, he picked me up. I put my legs around him and we shared an extremely hot kiss. The kind of kiss that leaves you breathless. 10 minutes after he had left i received a text from cob shop boy and it read:

“Now THATS how you kiss me from now on!!!xxx”

From that day forward, it was ON! He was texting and ringing me all the time, several calls a day sometimes. He came round mine a few times a week and we sat, watched tv, cuddled up and kissing. I didn’t wanna have sex with him until I had the house to myself. I made that clear from the off. The first time I sleep with someone, I want to feel completely at ease… not half listening out in case one of my kids wakes up!

We spoke about anything and everything. He told me his last girlfriend had told him that he doesn’t open up to people and told me about how he had been cheated on. He spoke about his son, who is 4 and who he is a fantastic father to. I found that super attractive! I really loved the idea that we had met over 13 years ago too. It was like fate was giving us a helping hand. I felt like he had opened up to me quite abit. He said he was ready to meet someone now, he is 31 and his friends are all settled. We seemed to be on the same path. he was self employed as am I. It all clicked, for me anyway.

I was out with friends watching “the full monty” at the theatre and we were sending each other semi-cryptic messges about not seeing other people. I told him to delete his dating apps as I liked him. He said he liked me too. He told me i was hot. It felt so amazing to have someone like me back.

There was a couple of days where he was quiet which I found hard to deal with as when he was on form, he was proper attentive and made me feel very wanted. When he went quiet I felt panicked. I was always trying to bury that feeling that he would go quiet and decide that he didnt want me again, like last year.

On the day of his tattoo, I arranged to go along and met him there. Whilst he was being inked, the tattooist asked if we was together. I jumped in with a jokey “no, but he wants to be” comment. I then just said we was seeing each other. The tattooist asked if we had “bumped uglys” yet and again I said “no, cos I’m frigid” jokingly. It was all very light hearted, and after his tattoo, cob shop boy came round mine and said that I had took his mind off the pain. I put a picture on Facebook and tagged him in it. It was of him looking in agony, being tattooed 🙂

Cob shop boy left the tag up there and mutual friends were liking and commenting, ripping him to shreds. It was all highly amusing.

Later that week i was at Mcdonalds getting a breakfast, he said he was starving. He was only working down the road, so I asked if he wanted me to take him breakfast… he said yes please and so I drove to his work and took him a Maccys. It was all so easy, nothing was too much trouble. I was fully putting myself out there. I don’t usually go full steam ahead with things!

It was his birthday the weekend before last and he was going on a night out with his friends. He asked me if I would trim his beard. I had never trimmed a beard in my life so i spent the night before, researching methods and tip and tricks online. I wanted to do a good job. He also messaged to say he’d bring his little boy around with him on the saturday if that was ok with me. I’d not met his little boy last time around so I saw this as a step in the right direction. I was thrilled.

We were constantly texting , he was always saying nice things to me. I felt really happy. He even made long term references, like when I said summer was peak season for my work – he commented saying he would ensure dinner was on the table for me when i got in.

So on the saturday morning, weekend before last. He came over with his little adorable boy! I trimmed cob shop boys beard and he was really happy with it. when we spoke to each other we were always smiling. As he left I gave him his birthday gift – a topman t shirt and a birthday card that said “you’re a twat, but I like you” on the front of it. 🙂

I informed him not to open it until his birthday which was the next day.

He looked genuinely shocked and touched that i’d got him something. It was a nice feeling to surprise someone.

He went on his birthday night out. I didn’t hear off him at all, which is fine. I dont expect people to be constantly checking in with me. The next day, he text to say thankyou for the tshirt and card and that he loved them. He was in a bad state with his hangover so i didn’t hear from him again. Then last monday he said he was on day 2 of the hangover so I heard very little again. This did affect my mood as I was so used to hearing from him. I felt abit panicky and asked if he was seeing anyone else. He said no and it was just the hangover making him feel shit.

Wednesday of last week he was back to normal, texting and ringing. He came round to my house whilst the kids were still up and bought us all cake! he sat and played on the floor with Alfie which was nice and we all ended up having a big play fight that gave me bellyache from laughing.

I asked when he was free so we could actually go out and do a date night. he said he was busy next week and last weekend i was on a hen night in leeds. I asked when we actually gonna do it. I wanted him to myself. I wanted to sleep with this man because not only did I really fancy him, I really liked him too. He just replied saying “ASAP, we’ll sit down and sort it”. I left it at that as I dont really feel like I should be begging for a guy to take me out – he should of wanted to>

Thursday evening, he came round in the evening and we kept messing around play fighting and tickling each other. Just acting like complete retards. I really felt at ease with him and he said he did with me too. Mid play fight we got pretty steamy kissing on the rug. It all felt very natural and lovely. In the end I had to get up as I knew where it would lead to. He was clearly *ahem* excited and I was glad! least I knew he fancied me!

We had some more kisses and he left.

Friday he rang me and we was chatting for around 20 minutes.

Saturday , I went on an all day/ nighter in Leeds. Hen party.  I text him a few times in the day but he wasn’t really replying much. That gave me abit of anxiety, but i was having so much fun with the girls that it wasn’t an issue. I got ready for the night out at the hotel and sent a pic of myself asking “will i do?”

He replied “fit!”

Off I went out, can i just say… Leeds men… Amazing!!! All sooo smart and so gorgeous! The amount of times i had a man open the door for me or come upto me to tell me i am beautiful…. I lost count of.  Cob shop boy was texting lots at this point . I didn’t feel the need for a cheeky snog with anyone as I was secure that things were heading in the right direction with him. I asked if he was gonna come and look after my sorry hungover ass the next day, he said he would.

Of course, when i steaming drunk, I text cob shop boys a few incoherent messages, but nothing bad, just funny! The next day, yesterday, I apologised for the drunk texts and he said that they were funny. I tried to ring him but he didnt pick up.

At 6pm  ish, he sent a message asking about my hangover, i said i felt ill and he joked that I needed a stair lift. I assumed he was still coming over so went and put abit of makeup on, matching undies (just in case) and sat and waited.

And waited.

And waited.

Fuck all

At 9.20pm, I sent him a casual text just saying ” i just remembered you said you was gonna come and look after me! leaving me to fend for myself, bad skills xxx”

He replied saying;

“oh shit yeah! My bad , I was lost in internet shopping whilst starfishing”

I replied saying glad to know i’m on your mind and joking along.  He stopped replying.

I know I had a hangover but in my gut I knew something had changed.

So i sent him what I was thinking:

Me: are you bored of me?you give nothing away… am I wasting my time? xxx

Him:Course i’m not bored of you babe, you are awesome, you are funny, we get on so well.im just not sure whether its just friends i’m feeling. Don’t take the piss on this whole “no spark” thing again lol. But you just know when you know? xxx

SHUT THE FRONT FUCKING DOOR.

my gut hit the floor. I knew it.

I replied: are you for real??? what the actual fuck?Cant believe this. again. And you didn’t have the balls to tell me.

NO REPLY!

me, again: So what is it? you dont fancy me?I’m not girlfriend material? Wowzers! Did not expect that. again 😦

Him: I dont know jem, im just not feeling it. I’ve been thinking about it and its not the getting on part at all as we both know we do! You are great but I think we are just like mates. I’m sorry but I wouldnt carry it on just to hurt you x

Me (angry): Thats bullshit! You don’t get a hard on around your mates. Too late! you’ve already hurt me! Cheers!

Him: I’m sorry that wasn’t my intention.

I started to cry.

I sent him a last text saying I think he’s messed up. He does fancy me cos he said I was hot – basically reminding him of everything in this blog post. I told him he had made me cry and admitted that I was gutted and couldn’t believe he was binning me off and I’d have to go back out into the dating world and date half a million nobs until I find someone half decent who might actually like me back.

He didn’t respond.

I havent heard anything since.

I just sat, last night , crying at my stupidity. i gave him another chance, after last year. I had to drag it all out of him. The excuse doesn’t make sense to me at all. Was he multiple dating again? Was it because I didn’t put out? Is it me? Should I have held back? Calmed down my personality abit? Maybe he didn’t fancy me? Its not as if he would admit that i’m not his type or whatever.

I’m so confused.

I woke up this morning and I instantly remembered the night before. It was as if a dark cloud surrounded me. I feel like shit. Why didn’t he tell me this before I went out in Leeds? Why did I have to drag it out of him? How can people completely shut good people out of there lives?

I feel like a complete idiot. So now I have to go around and tell the people in my close circle that yeah, that guy I was seeing, sacked me off.

If guys actually gave proper feedback when they kick you to the curb, then maybe us women, could use that to grow.

“i’m just not feeling it” – what does that even mean~??? Your dick was feeling it when we were rolling round my living room.

I’m not crying today. which is good.  I just feel sick, tired and let down.

This is why I don’t let people in, this why I don’t have sex on a first date, this is why I have trust issues.

Let me know what you think.

I wish that I could blog something happy for once.

love and light,

Jem xxx

The good dream

Published December 4, 2014 by jjjemma

So last night, I had a dream. The dream has affected me so much that I can barely function since awaking.
Here’s the back story of the person the dream was about.

Jason. I’ve know jase for almost 10 years. When I was a teenager I enjoyed creative writing and poetry and posted a load of my work online. Jason commented a lot on my work and I checked out his (which was amazing btw) and we swapped msn details. He’s tall, lean and mixed race.
We chatted most evenings and struck up a friendship. He was a Leeds guy and had a son who was around 7 years old back then. He was around the same age as my kids dad. When the kids dad came on the scene , and problems began – I opened up to jase and he always have fair advice. In fact if I’d of listened to his advice I’d of not wasted 6 more years on that cunty ex.

Anyway, my kids dad (the dj) was convinced that me and Jason were more than just friends (we wasn’t) and as a result our friendship became muted.
I felt guilty if I spoke to my mate?! How fucked up is that!

As me and the kids dad was always on and off, the dj didn’t turn up to Alfie’s first birthday. Jason did. He drove from Leeds, with a drum cake and was amazing with all my family. He was awesome. I remember at the time people asking if we would ever get together. I was seeing someone else back then and jase was in abit of a destructive relationship.
Years passed, I ended up pregnant by the dj again, Jase and I got back in touch. Jase was travelling around Europe now, acting. He could act, write and sing – a true creative.
When he was back I went upto Leeds and spent a wonderful day with him. He was awesome with Alfie and carried him for me. That was a lovely day.
Jase came down to Leicester, before I had Archie. He was so complementary of my growing body and cooked for me and was genuinely amazing. I could talk to him about anything. He never once tried it on and was always perfect with alfie.
Well, that night the fucking dj turned up and like an idiot I let him in and I let him stay over in my bed. I can only blame my crazy pregnant hormones. The dj had checked my social media and seen Jason had come down, felt jealous, so rocked up!in fact that was the last time I saw the dj until after archie had been born.

I think jase and I always shared a spark but neither acted on it as it was never the right time.
Over the last ten years we’ve probably only met in person 5 times. How crazy is that?
Lifes kept us busy, our paths rarely cross but we always
regroup in the end. The last time I saw Jason in the flesh was after archie was born. He came down to see how I was doing. I’d just turned the dark corner of despair so was in a good place. We had fun, he spent hours building Lego with Alfie and always complemented me on what a good job I was doing with the kids.
Before he left read my tarot cards and lots came up – including that I’d meet a man with a grown up child in around 4 years time.
Archie is now 4.
Last month I it in touch after a while of not talking and said we needed a catch up. He agreed but was in the middle of moving as he’s down in London now and at uni! I promised to contact him this month to sort it out and guess what?! Last night I dreamt of Jason. I wanted Jason. In my dream, we fell in love, admitted out feelings at a train station and kissed. I woke up from the dream and burst into tears.
Jason knows my story, I’ve never held back with any of the damage i’ve been caused by boys as jase was always my confidante. My trusted friend. He knows me from the deepest depths of my heart to the outer most layer of my skin.
I messaged him the day a lighthearted note saying I’d had a dream about him and it reminded me that we need to fix a reunion date.
I have no idea if he’s even seeing someone – he could be madly in love for all I know!
Plus I’ve been saying that boy.

What do
I do?! I feel like I’ve had an epithany!

Jem xxxx

Boys are stupid – throw rocks at them

Published August 14, 2014 by jjjemma

I’ve not blogged in forever. I apologise – I never seem to have the time in between juggling the boys and running my business.

I’m writing this on a flight back from a long weekend in magaluf (don’t ask!)🙈

The holiday was organised by my best friend who thought it would be good to have a girly weekend of alcohol and sun before I turn 30 in November.
I loved every second! I’m sad to report , I’ve changed…. I got drunk every single night – but other than wanking off some stag members big toe ( again- don’t ask) , I had ZERO action. No kiss, no grope and defo no sex.

I didn’t want to. It’s off putting when you hear blokes talking of having two girls in 24 hours etc. It’s dirty.

We made friends with 2 lovely mancunion ladies on the day after the first night out. We got chatting and by the end of the day, we had drank out hangovers away, arranged a night out with the stag party we also met and played in the pool.
The stag do’ all were very shady about their relationship status back home and we all knew that they had families – we are not that gullible.
None of them seemed truely happy – is that why men cheat? Or is the fact tht they will not be caught out?

“What happens on your stays on tour”

Anyway, a few of them tried and failed to woo me.
In the words of shania twain “that don’t impress me much”.

They were a good bunch of boys, I just felt gutted for their WAGS at home.

I’ve had the holiday of my life. Such fun and memories have been made.

I have news – I have met someone. It’s early days, I’m not going to say too much other than he’s local, I first met him 12 years ago and he has a little boy too.
I’m not getting ahead of myself at all this time. Slowly does it. 🙌🙌🙌

The last few months I dated a journalist (boring), a fireman (lovely but too far away) – both boys were called chris and both dates ended up with me going home with them but passing out in a drink fuelled coma!😂😩🙈
Chris the journo took me to a club and I literally fell over whilst standing talking to him – I was THAT smashed🙊
I decided after a few more dates that I wasn’t attracted to him and he took it quite badly and never spoke to me again 😬
Chris the fireman was lovely lovely but I don’t really think the chemistry was right. We had good dates. But I want fireworks!

I also had awesome sex with a boy I dated 2 years ago. He had muscles in places I didn’t know existed❤️❤️❤️. But , alas, he’s an attention whore and seriously screwed up.

Life is good and I’m happy and healthy.
I feel rough after 3 nights in magaluf but it was totes worth it!!!
Oh and I met james lockie from TOWIE and his eyes were rolling in the back of his head – don’t do drugs kids😂

Jem xxx

P.s I wrote this on the plane back on Sunday. The lad I’d been seeing came round mine twice , then we spoke on the phone about his ex gf breaking up with the dude she left him for – he reassured me that he would never go there… That was tues night. Didn’t hear off him all day yesterday or today which is highly unusual and today I text him and no reply!
Why fucking me?!

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Familiar face

Published April 13, 2014 by jjjemma

Hi guys!!!!
Ahhh I just read my last blog again and it made me feel abit sad!
I’m glad to report I am much better now and no longer broke hearted.
In fact, I got revenge on Aprils fools day by texting him saying that I was preggers, resulting in him panicking, leaving work and losing £100 wages 😂 .
Luckily he saw the funny side and it’s all fine.

Gonna update you all on the new kid on the block.
He is from tinder. He has a nice smiley face. I studied his picture ALOT and decided I knew his face from the past. It took a while for me to dare ask him, but he was very chatty early on and put me at ease.
No games – replied straight back.
He looked like a guy who used to come into a cob shop that I worked in as a teenager … (cob = cake / muffin/ bap depending on where in the country you live).

I decided to ask him outright!
IT WAS HIM!😁😁😁
I had made him bacon cobs over 13 years ago!!!
He was completely astounded at how I remembered his face – as was I.

He gave me his full name to add him on Facebook and mobile number. We began chatting via text, then he randomly called me whilst he was working one day and we got in well. Lots of laughter.
We arranged a date for that week and met up. The date was informal. A pub local to us both as he lives really close by. I wore jeans and converse – I’ve never done that. We got on very well and had a couple of smooches in the car park.
Once I got in he thanked me for a great night and said I was gorgeous and funny 🙌

I liked him too and wanted to see him again. Then 2 days passed and he didn’t text😞. I remained cool and had only a mild whatsapp meltdown to my best friend☺️. I chilled out and thought about it properly – it was 1 date!
I looked on Tinder and he had been active a few minutes before 👎👎👎.
Again, remained calm.
Last week, he did ring once and ask if I wanted to go out again that week – I did but in the end , with work, the kids and holiday packing – we didn’t end up meeting. I told i’d like to meet up when I get back next week and he said he’d like that too.
He has gone very quiet in comparison to the lead up to first date. He rang me most days and text frequently. Now the calls have stopped and the texts are a rarity 😞👀.
Has he pulled back? He’s active on Tinder most days so maybe he wasn’t I to me? But why ask to see me again?

He text sat saying have a lovely holiday – I replied and asked questions about his and for the weekend… Nothing❓❓❓❓❓❓❓❗️❗️❗️

He’s frequently sending snap chats of him and his son and I send them back.

Argh! Men!

Do I ask him?

Wahhhh!

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valentines dump

Published February 18, 2014 by jjjemma

Some of you may of read the blog i wrote about the bricky. I deleted it because I apparently got it all wrong and did not want him to read it. Heres a quick summery of what happened….

Early Jan I met a guy off POF. He was 27, tall, blonde hair blue eyes, a brick layer (hence the nickname “bricky”). He had a 2 year old daughter from a long term relationship who he had custody of 50% of the time. He got along really well with his daughters mum. They broke up because he fell out of love with her. She has since found new love and all was good.

After his break up from his baby momma, he got with his friends sister – i nicknamed her “cunty girl” – they were together around 9 months and he told me they had been broken up for around 4 months prior to meeting me. The reason him and cunty girl had split was because she wanted to go travelling and he couldnt because of his kid.

The bricky and cunty girl had loads in common – i discovered this over over 4 weeks on intensive dating.

They sang in a band together (he has since formed a new band, apparently, without her), they both recreationally enjoyed using coke (i’m not into drugs and never have been), they loved visiting new places and sightseeing together, she was a fantastic cook and artist – I am neither.

On our first date (which went really well) he tried to make out that cunty girl was abit of a stalker. He said it a few times and i didnt delve further as I dont like opening the x-files on a first date.

 

He asked for my surname and i then asked for his – which led to me looking him up on facebook.

I was abit confused as his facebook was quite open and he had tagged cunt girl in recent pictures of him and his kid (she isnt even cunt girls kid) plus he had posted lots of status’s encouraging people to go to cunt girls gigs etc.

I friend requested him the next day and he accepted later that evening. I instantly noticed that he’d removed cunt girls tags and any statuses that he’d wrote about her – abit weird perhaps but i thought maybe he’d done it so I didnt get upset or whatever so I didnt even mention it.

Our second date was a week later, he didnt live in the city so drove over and we went out for a night on the beer. He had every intention of getting a cab home and getting his house mate to drive him over for his car the next day – he ended up staying over at mine after we drank until 5 in the morning and passed out :)

On the second date, we talked about everything and anything. He said that cunty girl had been at his during a house party a few weeks before and when people were leaving she had gone upstairs and got in his bed and fallen asleep…. i was abit taken aback and asked if he told her to leave – he said he left her there. He took photos of us together on his phone and was a total gent just holding my hand and being really easy going about where we were going drinking. He wasnt great at making decisions and said anywhere was fine by him. At 3 am, his phone started to ring. He looked alarmed. I asked who it was and he said it was cunty girl. I told him to answer if he wanted to and he said no as she was probably after a booty call. I was too drunk to care at this point so let it slide.When we eventually got home and in bed he finally kissed me – a perfect first kiss. I promptly fell into my jager coma and woke up with a pounding head the next day. He stayed at mine until early afternoon, just cuddling me and watching crap on the tv.

He text me as soon as he got home and asked if i was ok. I said i was and just felt rough. He said he was worried that id been put off by cunty girl ringing him at stupid o clock. I said no I wasnt and asked if he had heard from her. He replied telling me he had text her as he was fuming that she had been in contact whilst he was out with me and reassured me that he didnt want her and she didnt want him.

Fine.

The next day, he didnt have work as it was pouring with rain. He asked to take me out for lunch and i said that I had my little man who is 3 with me. He said that it didnt matter to him if i was fine with it. I thought about it and it wasn’t like we were gonna be snogging over lunch – more like 2 mates meeting up so decided to go meet him.

The lunch was great, he was so good with my little boy and we chatted easily and i definitely fancied him more everytime i saw him. He gave me full on butterflies. I’ve been searching for 4 years for these bloody butterflies.

Every single evening we would text or ring and talk for hours about stuff. We both wanted to go amsterdam and he was the first to suggest we go in a few months time if all was still good with us. He told me he defo liked me alot and wanted a girlfriend. He told his mum about me and his friends. Once he started saying things like this I thought it was fine to start telling people about him.

We went cinema together to watch wolf of wall street. Proper date night. This time we held hands throughout the date and I really felt something special between us. Both of us admitted that we didnt want the evening to end.

He had his kid that weekend , but as soon as he had dropped her off he came round to my house to watch dvds on the sofa and we stayed up very late chatting. He seemed abit off and said a few times “we have not much in common” and i asked if him and cunt girl had alot in common and he said yes. I told him I thought it would be fun trying each others hobbies and opposites attract. He ended up staying over. My kids were fast asleep in bed and he had work at 6am so there was no risk of them bumping into him. We kissed lots but never had sex as I felt weird about that with my kids around. He was patient but the next day he said he wished he hadnt stayed around as he was proper frustrated and felt defeated when i refused to shag him!!!! I told him that i felt abit wounded when he said that him and cutn girl had loads in common and that we had nothing in common… he apologised and said sorry for being a nob.

At the weekend he said he had a mates gig to go to in a village, I started poking around on facebook and saw that cunt girl was playing a gig  in the city. My mind started working over time and i wondered if he was gonna go to her gig and not tell me. I wrote a blog about it on here as i was not sure if i should turn up or not. I decided not to and actually he was out with all his mates as they tagged him on a massive night out status on facebook.

We were both drunk texting as i was out with my best mate and he rang me around midnight. He said he was in a taxi on his way over the leicester :))) I HONESTLY COULD OF CRIED I WAS THAT HAPPY!!! 

He met me at the club i was in and spoke to some gay guy that i had befriended, we did shots, danced, sat talking kissing and then went back to mine. We didnt mess around – we went straight up to bed for drunk but amazing sexy time! Ive not done sexy time with anyone i liked this much in over 7 years. This was a big deal. I told him all this and he wasnt put off. It wasnt awkward it was just what it should of been. we woke up the next day and i felt pretty rough again. he had a shower and went downstairs, i had a shower and started getting ready. I started to get dressed and as i was putting my jeans on, he came behind me and started to pull them down. In the stark light of day i had amazing sex for the second time in less that 12 hours! A first in many many years. MY walls were broken down. I was smitten. He was so affectionate with it, kisses , cuddles, everything.

He really opened up to me, he told me about some of the bad fights he got into when he was young and dumb and said that he finds it really hard to get over things – like he gets put off people by the smallest thing. That made me feel reassured. NOT!

I dropped him home late afternoon, in the car on the way back he asked what i was upto for the rest of the day. I said i was gonna pick my boys up and take them bowling. He asked if he could come. This would be a big deal, my eldest in 7 and he isnt stupid. He’s never seen me with a fella. My stomach lurched… was it too soon? It felt right…. shouldnt I just not overthink and follow my heart? I said yes. By the time we’d got to his he was having a hangover relapse and said he would come down in the evening once the boys were asleep as he wanted to be on top form the first time he meets the boys properly.

When i dropped him off, two of his mates came over to my car and were wasted. later the bricky said he didnt invite me in as they were coked up!!!

That night, the bricky came over, i’d had a shower so told him to help hisself to a drink whilst i dried my hair off upstairs. Unbeknown to me, my kids had woke up and gone downstairs to greet him . Hashtag; Awkward.

Again, the bricky didnt seem phased at all and later told me that my eldest had ran over and hugged him. Thats alfie all over – so warm hearted and accepting of new people. I put the kids bed and we ordered a pizza. The pizza came and the order was wrong. The bricky switched, he started to get angry at the pizza guy and his whole voice changed. I said it was my fault as i had placed the order and diffused the situation. We ate and went bed. Obviously when we woke up the next day the kids knew he’d stayed over but I didnt really mind as I was still really happy. I’d gone from the girl who claims she hates cuddling to full on spooning the bricky all night long. I loved it. I knew I was beginning to fall for him.

 I was trying to fight this as I knew once I fall I am opening myself up to being hurt.

He then suggested that we go and watch the lego movie, him, myself and the boys. I said ok. Alfie, my 7 year old held his hand on the way to the cinema and my heart actually melted. We went back to mine and he played on the floor building lego with my kids. I looked at this man and literally melted. 

The next night he called and said he thought I should cook for him so I did and made him spag bol. Everyone loves my spag bol, my kids and my folks eat it right up when i cook it. The bricky stood critiquing everything i did and as we were eating it he said hed of made it spicier etc. I tried to let it go over my head as I couldnt be bothered to get into a discussion about spag bol.

Last Weds he said he was coming over to cook for me. When he arrived I was finishing off some work emails as I am self employed. We poured some wine, I kissed him and asked if he needed me to help with the cooking? He said no and so I quickly finished my work whilst he cooked. As soon as dinner was ready, I stopped and closed my laptop down. We sat and ate and it was a lovely dinner. He’d made a fucking mess of my kitchen though and just left the mess to me. Instead of wasting our time together cleaning I just left it to do the next day so i could sit with him. We watched a film of his choice. We went to bed and it felt right so we made the sex. The 3rd and last time but I just didnt know it yet.

He went to work and i thought i wouldnt see him again unti this week as it was his weekend with his little girl. I didnt really expect anything for valentines day as he said he hates cheesy shit like that – I did tell him I love all the flowers and shit though.

Thursday afternoon I got a text off of him which made my heart absolutely burst with happiness and suprise. He told me he had got his mum to babysit so we could do something  :))) He had band practise that evening so I left him to it, but he didnt text again. Not even to say goodnight which he had done every night since the very first day we met.

I tried not to get wound up so just went to bed feeling abit narked.

I woke up the next morning fully expecting a text as I knew he was at work from 6 am. Nothing. Its friday. Its valentines day. What the actual fuck.

At 10 am i got a text off him saying ” morning cheeky, happy valentines day babe, I hope you get spoilt by your boyfriend :) xxx”

ok abit sarcy / playful.

So I sent one back saying ” morning hun, happy v day too! glad youre alive and i’m sure my bf would spoil me if i had one xxx”

 

NOTHING

an hour later he replied ;”alive?”

i sent one back saying ” yeah i didnt hear off you from 4pm yest i was worried”

he left it almost 6 hours (he never goes that long during the day between texts) to reply “really?”

It was 4 pm on Valentines day. I was upset, dissapointed and really very pissed off. I left him to stew for abit. an hour later he text again saying “fair enough then”.

I asked him what exactly he wanted me to say.

He then turned it on me by saying he didnt understand why I was being like this???

So, I asked him if it was unfair of me to be abit upset that i didnt hear off himthe previous night?

In my defence – a 2 second text saying night bbe  would of been fine. He wasnt thinking of me. I clearly wasnt on his mind like he was on mine.

 

He then sent a text back saying yes it is wrong for me to be feeling upset and that he felt I was constantly having a pop at him (WHAAAATTTT???)

I then explained that he knew it was a big thing introducing him to my kids and if it was moving too fast he should of said.

He twisted my words and said i was putting too much pressure on “us”. He said it should be easy but wasnt because of me

I tried to diffuse it all y saying it was easy and that i just said i was upset that i didnt hear off of him  and now he is making it into a massive thing.

 

He then said the words no girl wants to hear – especially on valentines day – “forget it”.

I immediately replied “forget the argument or us?”

He replied saying im giving him shit and the fact that we are arguing is no good.

I explained that i’d assumed this was the start of a relationship – cuddling in bed, meeting my kids, discussing holidays???

He then  at  8.10pm on valentines evening said “lets not fall out over text can i come over to talk?”

At this point my mate had come over and we were eating a takeaway slagging men off 

I told him i was with my mate  and to come over when she had gone.  He said to ring him when i was free. As my friend was leaving he tried to ring me twice. I rang him straight away once she had left as he’d sent me a text saying “WHY ARE YOU NOT PICKING UP!!!!”

That phonecall ended us.

We both said hi in very flat defeated tones. I could hear pissed up people in the background of wherever he was. His attitude was present in his voice.He immediately said he wasnt coming over to talk now as it was too late. I started to calmly talk and he was shouting “no no no” over the top of me. I asked him if i could please talk without being spoken over as we were both adults… he replied ” one of us is an adult”

:(

I snapped. I told him I couldnt believe that he had ruined our valentines day. I pointed out that he was the one whjo initiated 90% of our meetings and that if it was going too fast then it was because of him. I cant even remember what he said but i remember him sounding like he was spitting venom and he swore. We traded insults and he told me to go fuck my friend and hung up.

 

Had he been on the coke? I had never heard him like this before.

I sent him a text once id calmed down and said ” wow , you sounded wasted. If i wasnt put off before, then i am now”

He replied agreeing that he was put off me too and said lets just leave it.

I went to bed feeling horrible. I cried myself to sleep. The wankiest valentines day of my fucking life. It was supposed to be the best one id ever had – with a gorgeous guy who i’d been seeing alot of .

The next day I woke up. Looked at my phone screen and saw nothing. No texts, fuckk all.

I went to work and then to pick my kids up. As I was driving to a play zone my phone started to ring. It was him. I answered and put him on loudspeaker. I told him I didnt want another argument as I had my kids. He said fine and apologised about last night. He then asked if we can still be friends?

 

STILL BE FRIENDS????? ERRRRRR I WAS FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOU, YOU RUINED MY VALENTINES DAY AND YOU ARE RINGING ME UP A DAY LATER TO ASK IF WE COULD STILL BE FRIENDS????

I tried to keep my cool and said whats the point as we wont bump into each other again. He said he’d like to as im a nice girl and that we just arent matched and are both too vollatile together. Blah blah blah.

He said he wasnt wasted the night before and that he’d sat in his room whilst his housemate cooked a meal for his gf and then he went to get a kebab which is when i called him.

I dunno if i believe that or even if it even matters now. I told him he needed to collect his dvds and bits he’d left at mine afte 7.30 pm once my kids were in bed and he said he would do that sunday night. I told him i had to go as i could feel tears welling up in my eyes.

I’m crying as i write this.

I felt so fucking defeated at that moment. I had to keep a fake smile on my face for my kids and then had to tell my foks and friends it was over across the weekend that has just passed.

Sunday I sent a text asking why he removed tags of cunty girl on his facebook before he added me … and do you know what??? HE BLATANTLY DENIED IT AND MADE OUT LIKE I HAD INVENTED IT ALL IN MY HEAD!!!!!

Sunday evening came and went. He didnt collect his stuff. He didnt even bother to text me to let me know he wasnt going too.

 

Monday I whatsapped him during the day and he ignored it.

Last night my best mate and me took some pics of his stuff and sent them over to him via whatsapp – funny film titles that represent him “jackass” etc and he actually replied and started off jokily saying haha.

I asked him about his stuff and he said for me to keep the dvds. I asked for the real reason that he ended it between us and he said its because i am too jealous and I invented the cunty girl tags on his facebook and that it scared him!!!(they were there I am not a liar or an inventor of drama). He said he doesn’t want someone like me basically.

I told him that it was pretty shitty to dump me via text especially as during one of our chats when we was together he said he would never end things with someone that way.

The last whatsapp I had off him was “sorry”.

Today I woke up and felt like fog was hovering over me. A black cloud. How can one man of affected me so much?? Yes we only knew each other a month or 6 weeks if you included the msging  beforehand. He made it more intense by inviting himself over so much. He said on our second date that he knew I had walls and that he wanted to be the guy to break them down.

I dropped my guard. I took the scary leap of faith and let myself start to fall for someone despite all his faults. I felt a connection and I demolished the walls. I’m having a pretty hard time trying to pick the broken  pieces up and fix them back together. I would never in a million years of believed someone could break me in such a short space of time. He doesnt care. He’s turned away and defo wont look back. I feel stupid and pathetic. I’ve drank wine every night since valentines day and  am trying to pretend to everyone that i am ok. But when I wake up alone and go to bed alone all I can think of is him. He is consuming my thoughts and affecting my emotions. I do know it will get better and thats why I am writing this blog. I hope in a few weeks I read back and thank the stars I had a lucky escape.

I dont regret meeting him. I dont regret letting my guard down, but I do regret ignoring the warning signs – there was so many and I havent time to list them all on here.

I dont know if it was my fault. All i know is I got hurt and he didnt.

 

Sorry for typos or errors anywhere but I cant be dicked to check through right now.

 

 

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